tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52839605755174866872024-02-07T12:36:52.817+07:00"You Are God, Not Us!" --------- Deshi Ramadhani, SJEverything starts with a vision. My vision is to create a place where I can share some thoughts regarding faith life. Walk with me to make it real.Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.comBlogger109125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-47728947342296914972020-02-12T15:29:00.001+07:002020-02-12T15:29:32.914+07:00The Talking Puzzles<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A new book. Published in 2019. It's about my experiences working on jigsaw puzzles. Eight images on those jigsaw puzzles became new metaphors for spiritual life.Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-81889010989291123982019-10-29T12:05:00.000+07:002019-10-29T12:05:29.635+07:00Sewing God<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A new book. Published in 2019. It's a spiritual memoir about my mother whose passion is in sewing. God speaks through the ordinary, in the messiness of day-to-day life, including in every part in the process of creating dresses and beyond.Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-88088943868091797362019-10-29T12:00:00.000+07:002019-10-29T12:00:36.401+07:00Pendosa Jadi Pendoa -- A Sinner Becomes a Pray-er<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A new book. Published in 2017. It's a narrative from the point of view of seven psalmists who penned down the so-called 'seven penitential psalms': 6, 32, 38, 51, 102, 130, 143. Each of the seven psalmists recounts his experience of sins and his journey towards conversion. A 'sinner' (that is, 'pendosa') becomes a 'pray-er' (that is, 'pendoa'). Honesty is the key in their psalms.Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-84851055264669319892019-10-29T11:51:00.000+07:002019-10-29T11:51:36.080+07:00Namaku Lazarus -- My Name is Lazarus<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A new book. Published in 2016. It's a narrative from the point of view of Lazarus (in John 11) who was sick, died, was brought back to life by Jesus, and received life threats in his second life.Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-35924510077431667902012-09-15T09:51:00.000+07:002012-09-15T09:53:11.212+07:00The Missing E-mail“The Missing E-mail”<br />
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By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br />
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Saturday, September 15, 2012<br />
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Just now, I was browsing the Inbox on my Yahoo account. I was looking for an important E-mail that I had to reply. Using my iPad, I typed the keyword and touch on the “search” tab. No result! Angered, I began to curse the iPad makers. Then I decided to scroll down and cleaned up the junks, hoping that eventually I would find the missing E-mail. A flash suddenly came. Hellooo…stupid…! You should have checked your Inbox in your cell phone. Sure enough, in a second, I found what I was looking for. It turned out that it was a text message, not an E-mail!<br />
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I was dumbfounded. How silly! It then occurred to me, that it was just a small icon, a gentle reminder about how I have been living. God knows, how many times I have tried to find answers to my longings in wrong places. The answer is actually there. It has been given, but I was looking for it in the wrong “Inbox.” Still worse, when I can’t find it there, I begin to blame the One who should have made “the search system” better.<br />
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Today the Catholics remember Mary as Our Lady of Sorrow. I have a strong sense, that often times I have made Mary sad, because I still want to keep myself busy looking for the sophisticated answers from God in the wrong “Inbox.” “Dear Jesus, help me to find the right Inbox where I can find You…”
Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-46221012246538873492012-04-15T18:48:00.003+07:002012-04-15T19:05:03.645+07:00Saints and Sinners"Saints and Sinners"<br /><br />Divine Mercy Sunday, April 15, 2012<br /><br />by Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br /><br />There is a saying from St. Augustine, "There is no saint without a past, no sinner without a future." How true it is. A person has become saint because he or she has let God to touch their past. With God's grace, everything in the past makes more sense. Even every single sin we committed in the past can bring wonderful meanings. Our shadows are no longer pitch dark, but a comfortable shade under which we can have happy nap.<br /><br />Divine Mercy Sunday reminds us that true mercy is always divine. When someone forgives me, I know deep in my heart that this person brings me back to my divine identity, because this person has also been rendered divine by God. If this has happened in Peter, Paul, Mary Magdalene, St. Augustine, St. Ignatius of Loyola, and a great number of saints, this can and will happen to each of us.<br /><br />The question is: Are we ready to take off that "sinner" tag on ourselves, and put on that "saint" tag? For some reasons, we wish to linger longer with the worse tag...Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-75216994632213612782012-02-16T18:10:00.002+07:002012-02-16T18:28:54.128+07:00Inside a Jaguar"Inside a Jaguar"<br /><br />By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br />Thursday, February 16, 2012<br /><br />I was recently invited by a family for a lunch. They had promised to send a car to pick me up. I was so surprised when I saw a brand new Jaguar entering our parking lot. Apparently, they wanted to treat me well. So I got in, and as you can guess, I was stunned by everything inside. I was almost literally frozen, because I was afraid that I would do something that would make a scratch or a scar. Yes, I admit, it did feel so so so good. I felt like being in a completely different world.<br /><br />Later that day, I had to say Mass in memory of one of our beloved sisters. It was a remembrance Mass, one year after her death. She had been diagnosed with a very rare, aggressive, and deadly cancer. Her death after only several months since the first diagnosis was so painful, although we knew that it was a liberation for her. I know that now she is in another world, completely different from the one I live in. And I know, it must feel so so so good up there.<br /><br />Both experiences became an invitation for me to see death from a different perspective. If I could enjoy and feel so good only in tasting that "beautiful world" inside that Jaguar, how much more God has in store for us. The bliss of eternity is way more than the short glimpse inside that Jaguar. Although death of a loved one is always painful, I want to believe that in the end, it must feel so so so good for the one moving from among us to be with God.<br /><br />P.S. Well, it's embarrassing to admit that I wouldn't mind another trip with that Jaguar, a longer one if possible. Oh no, this should not be read as part of the spiritual reflection.Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-31015167112616975632012-02-09T05:30:00.006+07:002012-02-09T05:50:34.071+07:00Your Love"Your Love"<br /><br />By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br />Thursday, February 9, 2012<br /><br />A German thinker, Jorg Splett, once wrote: "Every person needs more love than he or she deserves." I found this quotation in Father Peter van Bremen, SJ's book "The God Who Won't Let Go." The key to understand this truth lies in the word "MORE." Yes, we all need love, whether we are willing to admit it or not. But in reality many times we don't really deserve that much love. If an accountability report should be made, we would have never been loved at all.<br /><br />Diana Ross sings "Your Love" that catches another side of this experience. Thinking about everything done in the past, she asks, what is that ONE THING that she truly believes to be priceless. And the answer is, "Your Love." She admits, "Without your love where would I be." The song's chorus reads: "Your love has kept me going through good and bad times. It's kept me growing like a steady flame. Your love has kept on burning through sweet and sad times. I'll keep returning to the magic of your love." In a sentence, she breaths life from the love of her beloved.<br /><br />How true it is with God. I can sing the song to God. As St. Ignatius of Loyola suggests in the Spiritual Exercises, in times of desolation, just remember the previous consolation given by God. Yes, we need to train ourselves about MEMORY. We need to be built on a strong foundation by always remembering God's love that sustains us. Your love, God, keeps me growing like a steady flame. I'll keep returning to the magic of Your Love...Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-49981055446655372202012-01-31T12:39:00.005+07:002012-01-31T15:14:49.691+07:00Still"Still"<br /><br />By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br />Tuesday, January 31, 2012<br /><br />One of my favorite songs as a teenager was Lionel Richie's "Still." May be because it was one among the first songs in English that I could understand well. [Oops.. again, it's a sad song about separation. I don't know what has been taking me these days]. As a teenage boy the title itself said it all, "Still." Especially the way the song ends. It's with a thoughtful pause, after saying "But the most of all, I do love you..." Then the songs concludes emphatically, "...Still...."<br /><br />Now as I look at this song again (with the help of Google, of course), there are these lines that attract me: "So many dreams that flew away. So many words we didn't say." The combination of those two lines suggest a powerful message. In my own words, I would say, "Failure to say the necessary words makes your dreams remain dreams." Yes, saying it is as important as remaining in silence to listen. <br /><br />Saint Ignatius of Loyola, the founder of the Jesuits, says in his Spiritual Exercises, about the importance of, in Latin, "id quod volo." It's so important to put into words "something that I want." Putting it into words will help the one doing the Spiritual Exercises to have a clearer understanding about his or her deepest desire. Eventually, this will help a lot to clarify his or her life dreams, and to let God keep them always in check. In this way, our dreams are indeed God's dreams. So again, I believe that in spiritual life the same thing applies: "So many dreams that flew away. So many words we didn't say." The good news, God will always say, "...Still..."Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-11111236512313824982012-01-30T12:14:00.006+07:002012-01-30T12:45:32.091+07:00Every Time You Go Away"Every Time You Go Away"<br /><br />By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br />January 30, 2012<br /><br />There's a line in Paul Young's 1984 hit that goes "Every time you go away, you take a piece of me." Well, it's a sad love song with desperate tone. Honestly, I don't really like the whole song either. But that line rings so true. It echoes an old saying, "Good-bye is like a little death." I believe, at several points in my life, I did sing that song in my heart. On the other side, I also believe, that others sang that song in their hearts to me as I was moving along my life's path from one place to another.<br /><br />As a young priest I once worked as a summer chaplain in a Nuns' Convent in Munich, Germany. During my stay there, my sister's father-in-law passed away of heart attack. The whole family was so devastated. Out of compassion, the Mother Superior handed me a little book in German, "Du bist nicht mere da!" In English, it is "You are no longer there!" How true. Either death or just any good-bye, the core of the pain is just that. Deep in our heart there is that cry. All the high-tech communication gadgets that we have today can't help us to ease the pain. We simply say, "You are no longer there... for me... physically."<br /><br />It wouldn't be so surprising, that in a way, Jesus has sung that line so so so many times to me, and may be to many of us. But why? Okay, from my side, it's part of just being a fragile and sinful human being. Yet, may be another line in the song can explain better. Is it possible that Jesus also sings to us "May be you're too close to see"? Could it be possible, that since we're too close to Him, we take many things for granted, to a point that we can't no longer see who He really is? I believe it could. Returning to Him at the end means bringing back to Him that "piece."Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-35297786591793379222012-01-29T12:08:00.002+07:002012-01-29T12:46:36.440+07:00Two Mothers"Two Mothers"<br /><br />By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br />Sunday, January 29, 2012<br /><br />I believe, this is one of those privileges in a priest's life. Within a week I was present in two families who were mourning their mothers. Both deaths are painful, since they came without notice. The first one was a mother in her early forties, who had been diagnosed with leukemia two weeks earlier. In an attempt to have a conversation with the younger son, ten years old, I told him that I had just lost my father some six months ago. He replied, quite innocently, yet powerfully honest, "Yeah, but it is easier to loose a father, than to loose a mother." I was speechless. <br /><br />The second one was an elderly widow in her late seventies, who in the process of recovery from her illness, had caught a serious medical allergy, that really caused her unimaginable pains in the whole body. One of her children, the only boy in the family, a married man with three growing up children, said rather bluntly in his speech, "When our dad passed away, we were sad; but now, when our mother is gone, we are very very sad."<br /><br />We know that sooner or latter each one of us will die. Yet, it is completely another story when death comes just right there, as if from the middle of nowhere. And on top of that, it is the mothers who have been taken away. God seems to be without guilt in doing this to us. I tried hard to find some reasonable explanations, only to realize that I would never find any. All we can do is just hanging in there, embracing the pain, sharing the memories, while hoping that sooner or later we can stand strong again. Pain and sadness, seen from different angle, is a clear proof that there is that four-lettered gift from God: L-O-V-E.<br /><br />May you rest in peace as you are now present to us in a new way...Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-26329571210198604562012-01-28T07:27:00.003+07:002012-01-28T07:48:42.927+07:00"It's Their Faults""It's Their Faults"<br /><br />By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br />Saturday, January 28, 2012<br />Feast of St. Thomas Aquinas<br /><br />I had to say Mass at a nuns' convent nearby. So I had to get up early, after only less than four hours of sleep. Last night other cars in our garage had been parked in such a way that it gave me a hard time to get into my parking space. So after Mass this morning, I had to do some tricky manoeuvres again. I was quite confident when I heard a bump noise. Ooops, my car just scratched our garage wall. You can imagine how mad I was. And guess what, I began to blame those other cars parked around mine.<br /><br />As a matter of fact, those cars did have their share in the problem. But, I realized that it was hard to accept that I was the one who had made the final mistake. I should have been more careful, and more patient, so that I should have made more manoeuvres. Yes, I didn't want to admit that I made that silly mistake. So I asked our driver to polish my car, and voila, the signs of my fault was gone. It looks shiny as before, spotless, and I was relieved, and got my pride back.<br /><br />Oh well, it's just a car, and it's just a normal possibility of daily life. Yet, it did not end there. If this is how I react, isn't it also true in my spiritual journey? Yes, it's easy, and sometimes even falsely comforting to tell myself that it's not completely my fault; it's theirs. The lesson from my car is this: "Learn to admit graciously: 'Yes, it's my fault. Period!'"Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-6827326555249192582012-01-27T10:00:00.004+07:002012-01-27T10:34:53.561+07:00It's Only Words"It's Only Words"<br /><br />By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br />Friday, January 27, 2012<br /><br />Another song. This time, it's Bee Gees' "Words." I had heard this song so many times in the past, when suddenly some weeks ago it began to say so much. Relationship is at the heart of the song, and the inner turmoil leads the singer to try to convince the other by saying, "It's only words, and words are all I have, to take your heart away." The line before that goes like this: "You think that I don't even mean a single word I say."<br /><br />I have to admit that sometimes I really get sentimentally romantic. Those lines speak a lot about how important words are in any relationship. A single word, said in a wrong time with a wrong intonation can destroy the relationship. The same is true with a single word that should have been said, but for some reasons not. At the end of the day, the relationship counts merely on renewed trust.<br /><br />As I think again of this, how true it is with God and me. Many times I don't want to believe that God does mean every single word God says to me. How painful it must be for God to face this reality. However, I believe, God can't stop singing to me, "It's only words, and words are all I have, to take your heart away..."Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-62962646410189271882012-01-25T20:39:00.003+07:002012-01-25T21:05:04.938+07:00Hope Whispers"Hope Whispers"<br /><br />January 25, 2012<br />By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br /><br />It's been a while. My last post was April 2010. That means, almost two years have passed. And here I am, still struggling with many things that have hindered me from pursuing my dream of becoming a faithful blogger.<br /><br />A very dear someone has just convinced me to listen to Sarah Brightman's "Winter Light." Well, to be honest, to my Indonesian ears, it's hard to get the lyrics right. So, thank God, Google helped me. There I am, struck by this particular part of the song: "Hope whispers and I will follow 'till you love me too!" It catches one of the main ingredients in my spiritual journey. In my eyes and ears, it is God who sings the song for me. I've been too scared to love God and to let God love me to the full.<br /><br />It brings me back to my early experience of love with God. Started from Jesus' "Do you love Me?" to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength." Oh God, those words... They remind me of the value of hope. But most of all, it is You, God, who still have hope in me, waiting until I love You too. <br /><br />Yes, hope whispers, and my heart longs to have the courage to follow... By the way, how many of us really have the courage to be loved totally by God...?Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-68967178475886263162010-04-01T18:19:00.002+07:002010-04-01T18:24:52.028+07:00The Story of Our Life BeltThis is the homily I delivered at the Expatriate Community Mass at St. Theresia Church this afternoon.<br /><br />======<br /><br />"The Story of Our Life Belt"<br />Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br />Expatriate Community, Holy Thursday Mass, April 1, 2010<br /><br />I bought a leather belt more than ten years ago when I was still a student. This is how it looks now: a bit deformed, but still good. I believe that each belt has recorded in itself our life story. As you can see, out of five holes, three have been used. One was used when I was ten kilograms heavier than I am now. The other was when I was for a very short period ten kilograms less than I am now. And the middle hole is for how I am now. In other words, along the way, I had to decide which hole would fit best for me, not too loose, not too tight, but just right.<br /><br />The first reading and the Gospel today speak about some sort of belt. In the first reading, we have that image of the Israelites getting ready for the flight from Egypt. The promise of freedom is right there before their eyes, soon to be fulfilled. “This is how you are to eat it: with your loins girt, sandals on your feet and your staff in hand, you shall eat like those who are in flight.” In our modern language, “with your loins girt” means “with your belt rightly buckled around your waist, not too loose, not too tight, but just right. <br /><br />Belt, or girded waist, speaks loudly about readiness. So here is the pun: you are ready for the flight only when your waist is tied. Time is so limited. You will loose it if you still need to look for your belt, to take it, to put it around your waist, and to tie it rightly. Freedom should come from being tied. Running away from the slavery in Egypt does not mean that they will never be tied any more at all. True freedom requires a certain amount of being tied.<br /><br />What about Jesus? “He rose from supper and took off his outer garments. He took a towel and tied it around his waist.” Jesus ties himself with the towel around his waist as if it were a belt. So, again, belt speaks loudly about readiness. Jesus, who is completely free, lets himself to be tied. He wants to show us, that true freedom should be celebrated from our being tied. The challenge is just the same. One needs to do it right: not too loose, not too tight, but just right.<br /><br />Yes, belt speaks loudly about readiness. But there is something more with Jesus. He uses towel. He wants not only to wash his disciples’ feet, but also to dry them well. If he lets the disciples go with wet feet, soon they will attract more dirt. The washing does not have sense without the wiping. Jesus’ belt, made of towel, speaks loudly not only about his readiness to serve, but also his readiness to serve fully and responsibly.<br /><br />As it is with belt, so it is with the challenge in our life. I believe that many of us are inspired to serve, to love, to give good examples, and to maintain any other good values. Problem is, we are kind of juggling between “being tied too loosely” and “being tied too tightly.” Some of us may think that the real freedom in serving others is when we can do whatever we want, in whatever way we like, and anytime we want. These people are breaking rules and accepted norms in order to serve. Some of us have our belt too tight, and hence we believe that the only way to serve others is too impose rigid rules and disciplines, to play with dos and donts. <br /><br />Let us look then to our imaginary life belt. What stories have been recorded there? Which holes have we been using? Are we walking with difficulty as Jesus’ disciples, simply because we either let our life belt too loose, or we make it too tight? Today, we are invited to rewrite our story recorded in our life belt. If we can ask Saint Paul about what story to write, the answer is obvious. We heard it in our second reading. “As often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the death of the Lord until he comes.” Our story is none other than the death of Jesus. The challenges in our lives to find the right hole in our life belt are like wide doors open to us to touch again that death of Jesus. <br /><br />The good news for us is clear. Either our life belt is too loose, or too tight, or just right, we can always return to the Eucharist to relearn about our life story, to rewrite it, to find the right hole, or simply to be amazed by how God can indeed write a better story of our life belt. And I do hope that from now on, every time you buckle your belt each morning, you can hear again that invitation to be ready for the true freedom, to serve, and to do it fully and responsibly. God, help us! Amen.Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-24955930807644154382010-03-28T10:44:00.000+07:002010-03-28T10:45:42.888+07:00We Can't Let You Leave“We Can’t Let You Leave”<br /><br />Lent 2010 – Day 34b; Palm Sunday, March 28.<br /><br />Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br /><br /><br />Last Tuesday I had to go to Manila. Since this was not my first time, I took the whole thing too easily. I printed my departure ticket on the very last minute before heading to the airport, and didn’t even bother to print my return ticket. Then, the nightmare came. Without the return ticket, the guy on the check-in counter said: “We can’t let you leave.”<br /><br />I had to make phone calls. The return e-ticket shown on my Blackberry screen was not enough. As I was waiting, that seemed forever, I asked myself: “Why don’t they let me leave?” Luckily the guy at the counter was generous enough to find a solution. I could leave. Yet my question has already been ingrained in my mind.<br /><br />Thinking of this holy week of Jesus’ passion and death, I began to see a symbolic meaning in my experience. Jesus was willing to suffer because He won’t let me leave. Many times I have thought of freedom which is actually a new kind of bondage in Jesus’ eyes. I have tried to convince Him to let me go, but Jesus has never given in.Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-50336943091638236952010-03-23T18:16:00.001+07:002010-03-23T18:18:35.692+07:00So Disappointing“So Disappointing”<br /><br />Lent 2010 – Day 30; Tuesday, March 23.<br /><br />Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br /><br /><br />God knows how much I have been so disappointing to those I love. I admit that I have made many promises, but I have broken even more. Along the way, I know so much pain and hurt I have inflicted upon others. To be honest, I should have lost all chances of having friends any more, even of being loved by any one.<br /><br />I have been so disappointing to God too. Want to know what is worse? I don’t easily admit that I’m just that bad. Instead, many times I put the blame on God. When I hurt after I fall, I blame God for not doing His job to protect me. I even wonder if sometimes God completely forgets how to be a real God.<br /><br />Truth is, I haven’t always been ready for new challenges. I run to others, begging for my healing, while I don’t really admit that I’m sick.Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-28616590660437779782010-03-22T22:05:00.000+07:002010-03-22T22:06:41.209+07:00It Feels Good“It Feels Good”<br /><br />Lent 2010 – Day 29; Monday, March 22.<br /><br />Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br /><br /><br />Waking up early in the morning has become a real challenge for me. It’s a simple daily exercise to see clearly the difference between “what is good” and “what feels good.” Continuing my sleep certainly feels good, but it is not the good thing to do, since every morning I have to (and I want to) say Mass for my younger Jesuits. <br /><br />I believe that at the end, the basic challenge in my faith journey is all about knowing the difference between “what is good” and “what feels good.” Once I know the difference, a lot bigger challenge will present itself before me, namely, the daunting question: “What do I choose?” To choose well requires freedom.<br /><br />Such inner freedom will bring me further. Even if I do what is good for others, I still need to answer honestly: “Whose need is being met here? Others’ or mine?”Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-56468620666359083282010-03-21T21:39:00.000+07:002010-03-21T21:40:55.588+07:00Where Is My Car?“Where Is My Car?”<br /><br />Lent 2010 – Day 28b; Sunday, March 21.<br /><br />Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br /><br /><br />I went to a mall this afternoon. The first challenge was to find the parking spot. I was not familiar with the parking setting. Finding one free spot was a real challenge. The parking guys were so nice. I mean, they just put a smile, but not helpful at all. Then I found it. I noted the section: P5 22. OK, that’s easy.<br /><br />When I was done, I walked calmly to P5 22, but my car was not there. Then I realized, that in addition to letters and numbers, there was also color-code. I got to P5 22 Red! Thank God, I could see that the next section was Blue. After some sweats and heart racing, there it was: P5 22 Blue! Stupid? Yes!<br /><br />Tuning in God’s will is like that: simple and tricky. God is so good with challenges that force me to notice carefully. I’m glad that God keeps challenging me.Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-40222685794474209072010-03-20T03:42:00.000+07:002010-03-20T03:43:32.320+07:00Will It Work?“Will It Work?”<br /><br />Lent 2010 – Day 28; Saturday, March 20.<br /><br />Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br /><br /><br />Here we are. Busy with noble deeds: fasting, penance, and charity. What else? You name it. Looking back to the beginning of Lent, I can’t help asking myself a threatening question for a man: “Do I have what it takes?” Well, I can get rid of coffee, meat, fish; I even fast on Fridays. But still, something is missing.<br /><br />I realize that there is no big enemy out there. No one is planning to entrap me. Yet the pain is there. The fear is there. I know that I’m really afraid if this Lent will turn out just like any other years. Just a bit of spiritual highs, and that’s it. Soon enough, I’ll return to my old life. Will it work this time?<br /><br />Those who know me well might sneer and say: “No, it will never work! So why bother?” Deep within, I can still hear a different voice, saying: “Hang in there!”Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-6609002012899356852010-03-19T00:00:00.000+07:002010-03-19T00:01:55.221+07:00The Loud Silence“The Loud Silence”<br /><br />Lent 2010 – Day 27; Friday, March 19.<br /><br />Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br /><br /><br />It is said: “Actions speak louder than words.” When you practice what you preach, people will notice, and the power of words will take effect. I thank God that I’m gifted in dealing with words. This, however, scares me. What if the beautiful words I arrange actually come from my mind? I’m afraid that I can only write, but never do what I write.<br /><br />Ever count how many words come across your mind in a single day? We can’t think without words. Even if we are silent, words keep flying aggressively in our mind. Wordless silence is hard to achieve. Centuries ago, a man called Adam, was silent. Out of this silence, sins evade. Centuries later, a man called Joseph, was silent too. Out of this silence, blessings flow.<br /><br />Silence can become loud, since it tells clearly the origin of various words in my mind. This loud silence is the best training camp to choose right.Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-30066603836956776962010-03-18T14:39:00.001+07:002010-03-18T14:41:32.545+07:00Learn to Grieve“Learn to Grieve”<br /><br />Lent 2010 – Day 26; Thursday, March 18.<br /><br />Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br /><br /><br />I watched the movie “Closing Ring” the other day. Yes, it’s about a ring. But linked to the ring is the whole journey of a woman. For fifty years she has been refusing to grieve over the death of her husband, a gunner of a US Airforce whose airplane crashed in Belfast during the war. A boy found the ring and got it back to her. She eventually visited the site of the crash. It’s only then, for the first time in fifty years, that she cried.<br /><br />Without planning, I’ve been absent from this blog for two days. My dream of offering a complete set of daily meditation for Lent was crushed. Yet deep in my heart I can hear a gentle calling from God to grieve. I need time to really grieve over my past and present sins, over my stupidity and recklessness, over my defensiveness, and most of all, over the pains and hurts I have inflicted upon so many people, men and women.<br /><br />God asks me to learn to really grieve. Once I learn to touch and embrace the pains, God’s healing power will flow to me, and in its turn, through me to others.Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-7616574422565339382010-03-15T22:17:00.001+07:002010-03-18T14:20:32.582+07:00At Four AM“At Four AM”<br /><br />Lent 2010 – Day 23; Monday, March 15.<br /><br />Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br /><br /><br />I was awaken at 4 AM this morning by a text message: “I’ve arrived. Please open the door.” Without thinking twice I sprang out of my bed. I was expecting a good friend of mine, a Jesuit priest from another city. With half-closed eyes I managed to open the gate, but no one was there. I gave him a call, only to hear a calm voice: “I mean, I’ve arrived in the city, and I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”<br /><br />Those 15 minutes became very precious. I could have had an extra 15 minutes of sleep. But I didn’t dare to put myself in back in bed. Instead, I got ready. Why? Even if he had stolen my precious 15 minutes of extra sleep, I didn’t want to make him wait. If I can be so determined not to let my friend wait, why on earth have I been making Jesus wait so long? Deep in my heart I still feel that echo of the threatening God.<br /><br />Letting myself enter into God’s heart is a risky business. And letting God enter into my heart is dangerous. But isn’t it the danger that I actually have been longing for?Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-74643867351065134852010-03-14T19:51:00.001+07:002010-03-14T20:09:26.095+07:00Misplaced Wallet“Misplaced Wallet”<br /><br />Lent 2010 – Day 22b; Sunday, March 14.<br /><br />Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br /><br /><br />I just returned from leading an over-night recollection for a group of laypeople. I quickly packed my things, since I didn’t want to be caught in traffic. Once everything was done, I realized that I couldn’t find my wallet. I searched inside my bags, even under the bed and pillows, and under my car seat. Then a horrible thought: “Has it been stolen?” I decided to take all my clothes out of my backpack, and voila!<br /><br />What a relief! It was my fault. Yet my first reaction was to put the blame on someone else. I knew there was a deep anger. This sounds so familiar. It became clear to me, that I don’t always want to claim full responsibility for the pain of sin. While I can admit that I have made mistakes, there have been times when I tried to justify a bit by saying that I was just a victim, or that it just happened in a finger snap!<br /><br />It’s a real challenge to move from saying “I have been led astray by others” to “I have made a wrong choice.” The pain in making this move is truly liberating.Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5283960575517486687.post-31405172815860266942010-03-13T11:57:00.001+07:002010-03-13T11:58:40.504+07:00Looking for Direction“Looking for Direction”<br /><br />Lent 2010 – Day 22a; Saturday, March 13.<br /><br />Deshi Ramadhani, SJ<br /><br /><br />I went to pay respect to my Franciscan friend who passed away. The parish church is located in Depok, now a suburb of Jakarta, quite a distance from where I stay. I got e-mails and text messages about the direction. I also made phone calls to make sure that I got it right. I even asked a Jesuit brother to drive for me, while I made sure that we were on the right track. Having someone with me made the journey feel safer.<br /><br />There were several spots where the road trickily splits into several directions. We had clear information, but we still had to decide which one to take. It reminds me of my journey of conversion. Because God trusts me, God leaves to me the decision on what direction to take. The possibility of making a wrong turn is still there. But we simply couldn’t think too long. The cars behind would honk angrily!<br /><br />Conversion is a challenge. It’s a long drive to the unknown places. It requires true masculine spirit. So I wonder, why there are not so many men attracted to this challenge.Deshi Ramadhani, SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07725268905283988329noreply@blogger.com0