"You Are God, Not Us!" --------- Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Two Mothers

2012-01-29T12:08:00.002+07:00

"Two Mothers"

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Sunday, January 29, 2012

I believe, this is one of those privileges in a priest's life. Within a week I was present in two families who were mourning their mothers. Both deaths are painful, since they came without notice. The first one was a mother in her early forties, who had been diagnosed with leukemia two weeks earlier. In an attempt to have a conversation with the younger son, ten years old, I told him that I had just lost my father some six months ago. He replied, quite innocently, yet powerfully honest, "Yeah, but it is easier to loose a father, than to loose a mother." I was speechless.

The second one was an elderly widow in her late seventies, who in the process of recovery from her illness, had caught a serious medical allergy, that really caused her unimaginable pains in the whole body. One of her children, the only boy in the family, a married man with three growing up children, said rather bluntly in his speech, "When our dad passed away, we were sad; but now, when our mother is gone, we are very very sad."

We know that sooner or latter each one of us will die. Yet, it is completely another story when death comes just right there, as if from the middle of nowhere. And on top of that, it is the mothers who have been taken away. God seems to be without guilt in doing this to us. I tried hard to find some reasonable explanations, only to realize that I would never find any. All we can do is just hanging in there, embracing the pain, sharing the memories, while hoping that sooner or later we can stand strong again. Pain and sadness, seen from different angle, is a clear proof that there is that four-lettered gift from God: L-O-V-E.

May you rest in peace as you are now present to us in a new way...

"It's Their Faults"

2012-01-28T07:27:00.003+07:00

"It's Their Faults"

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Feast of St. Thomas Aquinas

I had to say Mass at a nuns' convent nearby. So I had to get up early, after only less than four hours of sleep. Last night other cars in our garage had been parked in such a way that it gave me a hard time to get into my parking space. So after Mass this morning, I had to do some tricky manoeuvres again. I was quite confident when I heard a bump noise. Ooops, my car just scratched our garage wall. You can imagine how mad I was. And guess what, I began to blame those other cars parked around mine.

As a matter of fact, those cars did have their share in the problem. But, I realized that it was hard to accept that I was the one who had made the final mistake. I should have been more careful, and more patient, so that I should have made more manoeuvres. Yes, I didn't want to admit that I made that silly mistake. So I asked our driver to polish my car, and voila, the signs of my fault was gone. It looks shiny as before, spotless, and I was relieved, and got my pride back.

Oh well, it's just a car, and it's just a normal possibility of daily life. Yet, it did not end there. If this is how I react, isn't it also true in my spiritual journey? Yes, it's easy, and sometimes even falsely comforting to tell myself that it's not completely my fault; it's theirs. The lesson from my car is this: "Learn to admit graciously: 'Yes, it's my fault. Period!'"

It's Only Words

2012-01-27T10:00:00.004+07:00

"It's Only Words"

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Friday, January 27, 2012

Another song. This time, it's Bee Gees' "Words." I had heard this song so many times in the past, when suddenly some weeks ago it began to say so much. Relationship is at the heart of the song, and the inner turmoil leads the singer to try to convince the other by saying, "It's only words, and words are all I have, to take your heart away." The line before that goes like this: "You think that I don't even mean a single word I say."

I have to admit that sometimes I really get sentimentally romantic. Those lines speak a lot about how important words are in any relationship. A single word, said in a wrong time with a wrong intonation can destroy the relationship. The same is true with a single word that should have been said, but for some reasons not. At the end of the day, the relationship counts merely on renewed trust.

As I think again of this, how true it is with God and me. Many times I don't want to believe that God does mean every single word God says to me. How painful it must be for God to face this reality. However, I believe, God can't stop singing to me, "It's only words, and words are all I have, to take your heart away..."

Hope Whispers

2012-01-25T20:39:00.003+07:00

"Hope Whispers"

January 25, 2012
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

It's been a while. My last post was April 2010. That means, almost two years have passed. And here I am, still struggling with many things that have hindered me from pursuing my dream of becoming a faithful blogger.

A very dear someone has just convinced me to listen to Sarah Brightman's "Winter Light." Well, to be honest, to my Indonesian ears, it's hard to get the lyrics right. So, thank God, Google helped me. There I am, struck by this particular part of the song: "Hope whispers and I will follow 'till you love me too!" It catches one of the main ingredients in my spiritual journey. In my eyes and ears, it is God who sings the song for me. I've been too scared to love God and to let God love me to the full.

It brings me back to my early experience of love with God. Started from Jesus' "Do you love Me?" to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength." Oh God, those words... They remind me of the value of hope. But most of all, it is You, God, who still have hope in me, waiting until I love You too.

Yes, hope whispers, and my heart longs to have the courage to follow... By the way, how many of us really have the courage to be loved totally by God...?

The Story of Our Life Belt

2010-04-01T18:19:00.002+07:00

This is the homily I delivered at the Expatriate Community Mass at St. Theresia Church this afternoon.

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"The Story of Our Life Belt"
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Expatriate Community, Holy Thursday Mass, April 1, 2010

I bought a leather belt more than ten years ago when I was still a student. This is how it looks now: a bit deformed, but still good. I believe that each belt has recorded in itself our life story. As you can see, out of five holes, three have been used. One was used when I was ten kilograms heavier than I am now. The other was when I was for a very short period ten kilograms less than I am now. And the middle hole is for how I am now. In other words, along the way, I had to decide which hole would fit best for me, not too loose, not too tight, but just right.

The first reading and the Gospel today speak about some sort of belt. In the first reading, we have that image of the Israelites getting ready for the flight from Egypt. The promise of freedom is right there before their eyes, soon to be fulfilled. “This is how you are to eat it: with your loins girt, sandals on your feet and your staff in hand, you shall eat like those who are in flight.” In our modern language, “with your loins girt” means “with your belt rightly buckled around your waist, not too loose, not too tight, but just right.

Belt, or girded waist, speaks loudly about readiness. So here is the pun: you are ready for the flight only when your waist is tied. Time is so limited. You will loose it if you still need to look for your belt, to take it, to put it around your waist, and to tie it rightly. Freedom should come from being tied. Running away from the slavery in Egypt does not mean that they will never be tied any more at all. True freedom requires a certain amount of being tied.

What about Jesus? “He rose from supper and took off his outer garments. He took a towel and tied it around his waist.” Jesus ties himself with the towel around his waist as if it were a belt. So, again, belt speaks loudly about readiness. Jesus, who is completely free, lets himself to be tied. He wants to show us, that true freedom should be celebrated from our being tied. The challenge is just the same. One needs to do it right: not too loose, not too tight, but just right.

Yes, belt speaks loudly about readiness. But there is something more with Jesus. He uses towel. He wants not only to wash his disciples’ feet, but also to dry them well. If he lets the disciples go with wet feet, soon they will attract more dirt. The washing does not have sense without the wiping. Jesus’ belt, made of towel, speaks loudly not only about his readiness to serve, but also his readiness to serve fully and responsibly.

As it is with belt, so it is with the challenge in our life. I believe that many of us are inspired to serve, to love, to give good examples, and to maintain any other good values. Problem is, we are kind of juggling between “being tied too loosely” and “being tied too tightly.” Some of us may think that the real freedom in serving others is when we can do whatever we want, in whatever way we like, and anytime we want. These people are breaking rules and accepted norms in order to serve. Some of us have our belt too tight, and hence we believe that the only way to serve others is too impose rigid rules and disciplines, to play with dos and donts.

Let us look then to our imaginary life belt. What stories have been recorded there? Which holes have we been using? Are we walking with difficulty as Jesus’ disciples, simply because we either let our life belt too loose, or we make it too tight? Today, we are invited to rewrite our story recorded in our life belt. If we can ask Saint Paul about what story to write, the answer is obvious. We heard it in our second reading. “As often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the death of the Lord until he comes.” Our story is none other than the death of Jesus. The challenges in our lives to find the right hole in our life belt are like wide doors open to us to touch again that death of Jesus.

The good news for us is clear. Either our life belt is too loose, or too tight, or just right, we can always return to the Eucharist to relearn about our life story, to rewrite it, to find the right hole, or simply to be amazed by how God can indeed write a better story of our life belt. And I do hope that from now on, every time you buckle your belt each morning, you can hear again that invitation to be ready for the true freedom, to serve, and to do it fully and responsibly. God, help us! Amen.

We Can't Let You Leave

2010-03-28T10:44:00.000+07:00

“We Can’t Let You Leave”

Lent 2010 – Day 34b; Palm Sunday, March 28.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Last Tuesday I had to go to Manila. Since this was not my first time, I took the whole thing too easily. I printed my departure ticket on the very last minute before heading to the airport, and didn’t even bother to print my return ticket. Then, the nightmare came. Without the return ticket, the guy on the check-in counter said: “We can’t let you leave.”

I had to make phone calls. The return e-ticket shown on my Blackberry screen was not enough. As I was waiting, that seemed forever, I asked myself: “Why don’t they let me leave?” Luckily the guy at the counter was generous enough to find a solution. I could leave. Yet my question has already been ingrained in my mind.

Thinking of this holy week of Jesus’ passion and death, I began to see a symbolic meaning in my experience. Jesus was willing to suffer because He won’t let me leave. Many times I have thought of freedom which is actually a new kind of bondage in Jesus’ eyes. I have tried to convince Him to let me go, but Jesus has never given in.

So Disappointing

2010-03-23T18:16:00.001+07:00

“So Disappointing”

Lent 2010 – Day 30; Tuesday, March 23.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

God knows how much I have been so disappointing to those I love. I admit that I have made many promises, but I have broken even more. Along the way, I know so much pain and hurt I have inflicted upon others. To be honest, I should have lost all chances of having friends any more, even of being loved by any one.

I have been so disappointing to God too. Want to know what is worse? I don’t easily admit that I’m just that bad. Instead, many times I put the blame on God. When I hurt after I fall, I blame God for not doing His job to protect me. I even wonder if sometimes God completely forgets how to be a real God.

Truth is, I haven’t always been ready for new challenges. I run to others, begging for my healing, while I don’t really admit that I’m sick.

It Feels Good

2010-03-22T22:05:00.000+07:00

“It Feels Good”

Lent 2010 – Day 29; Monday, March 22.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Waking up early in the morning has become a real challenge for me. It’s a simple daily exercise to see clearly the difference between “what is good” and “what feels good.” Continuing my sleep certainly feels good, but it is not the good thing to do, since every morning I have to (and I want to) say Mass for my younger Jesuits.

I believe that at the end, the basic challenge in my faith journey is all about knowing the difference between “what is good” and “what feels good.” Once I know the difference, a lot bigger challenge will present itself before me, namely, the daunting question: “What do I choose?” To choose well requires freedom.

Such inner freedom will bring me further. Even if I do what is good for others, I still need to answer honestly: “Whose need is being met here? Others’ or mine?”

Where Is My Car?

2010-03-21T21:39:00.000+07:00

“Where Is My Car?”

Lent 2010 – Day 28b; Sunday, March 21.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I went to a mall this afternoon. The first challenge was to find the parking spot. I was not familiar with the parking setting. Finding one free spot was a real challenge. The parking guys were so nice. I mean, they just put a smile, but not helpful at all. Then I found it. I noted the section: P5 22. OK, that’s easy.

When I was done, I walked calmly to P5 22, but my car was not there. Then I realized, that in addition to letters and numbers, there was also color-code. I got to P5 22 Red! Thank God, I could see that the next section was Blue. After some sweats and heart racing, there it was: P5 22 Blue! Stupid? Yes!

Tuning in God’s will is like that: simple and tricky. God is so good with challenges that force me to notice carefully. I’m glad that God keeps challenging me.

Will It Work?

2010-03-20T03:42:00.000+07:00

“Will It Work?”

Lent 2010 – Day 28; Saturday, March 20.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Here we are. Busy with noble deeds: fasting, penance, and charity. What else? You name it. Looking back to the beginning of Lent, I can’t help asking myself a threatening question for a man: “Do I have what it takes?” Well, I can get rid of coffee, meat, fish; I even fast on Fridays. But still, something is missing.

I realize that there is no big enemy out there. No one is planning to entrap me. Yet the pain is there. The fear is there. I know that I’m really afraid if this Lent will turn out just like any other years. Just a bit of spiritual highs, and that’s it. Soon enough, I’ll return to my old life. Will it work this time?

Those who know me well might sneer and say: “No, it will never work! So why bother?” Deep within, I can still hear a different voice, saying: “Hang in there!”

The Loud Silence

2010-03-19T00:00:00.000+07:00

“The Loud Silence”

Lent 2010 – Day 27; Friday, March 19.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

It is said: “Actions speak louder than words.” When you practice what you preach, people will notice, and the power of words will take effect. I thank God that I’m gifted in dealing with words. This, however, scares me. What if the beautiful words I arrange actually come from my mind? I’m afraid that I can only write, but never do what I write.

Ever count how many words come across your mind in a single day? We can’t think without words. Even if we are silent, words keep flying aggressively in our mind. Wordless silence is hard to achieve. Centuries ago, a man called Adam, was silent. Out of this silence, sins evade. Centuries later, a man called Joseph, was silent too. Out of this silence, blessings flow.

Silence can become loud, since it tells clearly the origin of various words in my mind. This loud silence is the best training camp to choose right.

Learn to Grieve

2010-03-18T14:39:00.001+07:00

“Learn to Grieve”

Lent 2010 – Day 26; Thursday, March 18.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I watched the movie “Closing Ring” the other day. Yes, it’s about a ring. But linked to the ring is the whole journey of a woman. For fifty years she has been refusing to grieve over the death of her husband, a gunner of a US Airforce whose airplane crashed in Belfast during the war. A boy found the ring and got it back to her. She eventually visited the site of the crash. It’s only then, for the first time in fifty years, that she cried.

Without planning, I’ve been absent from this blog for two days. My dream of offering a complete set of daily meditation for Lent was crushed. Yet deep in my heart I can hear a gentle calling from God to grieve. I need time to really grieve over my past and present sins, over my stupidity and recklessness, over my defensiveness, and most of all, over the pains and hurts I have inflicted upon so many people, men and women.

God asks me to learn to really grieve. Once I learn to touch and embrace the pains, God’s healing power will flow to me, and in its turn, through me to others.

At Four AM

2010-03-15T22:17:00.001+07:00

“At Four AM”

Lent 2010 – Day 23; Monday, March 15.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I was awaken at 4 AM this morning by a text message: “I’ve arrived. Please open the door.” Without thinking twice I sprang out of my bed. I was expecting a good friend of mine, a Jesuit priest from another city. With half-closed eyes I managed to open the gate, but no one was there. I gave him a call, only to hear a calm voice: “I mean, I’ve arrived in the city, and I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”

Those 15 minutes became very precious. I could have had an extra 15 minutes of sleep. But I didn’t dare to put myself in back in bed. Instead, I got ready. Why? Even if he had stolen my precious 15 minutes of extra sleep, I didn’t want to make him wait. If I can be so determined not to let my friend wait, why on earth have I been making Jesus wait so long? Deep in my heart I still feel that echo of the threatening God.

Letting myself enter into God’s heart is a risky business. And letting God enter into my heart is dangerous. But isn’t it the danger that I actually have been longing for?

Misplaced Wallet

2010-03-14T19:51:00.001+07:00

“Misplaced Wallet”

Lent 2010 – Day 22b; Sunday, March 14.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I just returned from leading an over-night recollection for a group of laypeople. I quickly packed my things, since I didn’t want to be caught in traffic. Once everything was done, I realized that I couldn’t find my wallet. I searched inside my bags, even under the bed and pillows, and under my car seat. Then a horrible thought: “Has it been stolen?” I decided to take all my clothes out of my backpack, and voila!

What a relief! It was my fault. Yet my first reaction was to put the blame on someone else. I knew there was a deep anger. This sounds so familiar. It became clear to me, that I don’t always want to claim full responsibility for the pain of sin. While I can admit that I have made mistakes, there have been times when I tried to justify a bit by saying that I was just a victim, or that it just happened in a finger snap!

It’s a real challenge to move from saying “I have been led astray by others” to “I have made a wrong choice.” The pain in making this move is truly liberating.

Looking for Direction

2010-03-13T11:57:00.001+07:00

“Looking for Direction”

Lent 2010 – Day 22a; Saturday, March 13.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I went to pay respect to my Franciscan friend who passed away. The parish church is located in Depok, now a suburb of Jakarta, quite a distance from where I stay. I got e-mails and text messages about the direction. I also made phone calls to make sure that I got it right. I even asked a Jesuit brother to drive for me, while I made sure that we were on the right track. Having someone with me made the journey feel safer.

There were several spots where the road trickily splits into several directions. We had clear information, but we still had to decide which one to take. It reminds me of my journey of conversion. Because God trusts me, God leaves to me the decision on what direction to take. The possibility of making a wrong turn is still there. But we simply couldn’t think too long. The cars behind would honk angrily!

Conversion is a challenge. It’s a long drive to the unknown places. It requires true masculine spirit. So I wonder, why there are not so many men attracted to this challenge.

Unexpected Death

2010-03-12T10:10:00.004+07:00

“Unexpected Death”

Lent 2010 – Day 21; Friday, March 12.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

One of my batch-mates, a Franciscan priest, tragically died, choked alone in the tiny 15-meter-deep well at the convent’s backyard, while trying to fix the pipe. His body was found more than 24-hours later. A special rescue team was called to evacuate him. An accident like that is always shocking. It reminds me of the brevity of life and disturbs me to ask about my own life. How much time do I still have?

The surest thing in life is that we all die one day. Yet, death like this one feels so unexpected. Along the way after the first half of this 40-day journey, somehow that question keeps ringing in my conscience: “How much time do I still have?” I’m sure that God can still wait for me to return home and say “I’m really sorry. Please forgive all my sins.” All the more, God loves me just the same.

God is saddened by my unwillingness to repent, because God knows very well that one day I will feel the burdens of sins unbearable. I don’t need to delay that long, do I?

Romo Sunar Suryo, Requiescat In Pace!

The Silence Button

2010-03-11T06:33:00.000+07:00

“The Silence Button”

Lent 2010 – Day 20; Thursday, March 11.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

For me, the handiest feature of cell-phone is that as a default it tells the user about who the caller is. When a name appears on the screen, and you don’t want to talk, you probably say: “Oh, No!” But for politeness or fear you answer it, making your voice sound as normal as it can be. Or, you can just push the “silence button,” and pretend that nobody is calling. You ignore the caller, but he or she doesn’t feel rejected.

God never forces me. That attitude is simply not God’s. So God would appear like on my cell-phone screen. Every time it rings, and the name appears, I need to make a quick decision. I have to admit, that many times I’ve said “Oh, No!” and pushed the silence button. Before long, it will become spontaneous to push the silence button whenever God tries to reach the deepest recess of my heart.

God comes and I feel disturbed. God acts and I suspect God of a hidden agenda. God is silent and I get angry. If I keep ignoring God, I can be utterly confused.

After the Tyrant

2010-03-10T07:38:00.001+07:00

“After the Tyrant”

Lent 2010 – Day 19; Wednesday, March 10.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Do you know how it feels like to live in a country under a cruel regime? One thing is sure: you have a lot of anger against the person who has the highest authority. Laws are easily designed to support the ruler. When the tyrant falls, people are happy. But there is a sad side to the story. People begin to desire to live without any laws at all! Democracy is understood as a validation to do whatever you like.

I guess the same thing happens in Christianity. Ages ago, for sure, many Church leaders acted as tyrants, and they taught by imposing on people severe laws labeled as God’s commandments. Nowadays, we tend to approach God more tenderly, as to a very loving daddy. The bad news is obvious: we think that God is not so serious with the divine Laws. Christianity without demands, that’s what we have now.

God is never a tyrant. We made God so. Now that God is more lovable, the challenge for us is to obey God’s laws out of love, not of fear. Love is demanding!

Sign of Strength

2010-03-09T07:32:00.001+07:00

“Sign of Strength”

Lent 2010 – Day 18; Tuesday, March 9.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I realize that I get angry easily whenever another vehicle edges into my lane. My first reaction is usually honking loudly. If I have extra time I’ll do my best to beat it back. When there’s enough space, I’d speed up, edge back into the lane, and brake a bit to create suspense. I feel victorious.

That kind of anger is actually a sign of my weakness. It’s like letting all my dignity be disturbed by simple thing. Sometimes I need to tell myself: “Take it easy. Your dignity is way too high to be robbed by such thing.” It’s not always easy. Yet, when I do refuse to revenge, I actually show my true strength.

When I decide not to forgive others who hurt me, I actually inflict upon myself a lot more severe punishment. I put myself in chains. When I forgive, I set myself free.

Who Is the Owner?

2010-03-08T05:10:00.000+07:00

“Who Is the Owner?”

Lent 2010 – Day 17; Monday, March 8.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I was a teenager. My big brother had just learned how to drive. We were about to get back to our car from the grocery when we spotted two nice girls walking by. I said to my brother: “Come on! Quick! They will disappear soon!” He obediently backed up the car at full speed, and….. There was a car parked right behind our car!

People rushed to the site. My brother looked calmly at the damage, and said, “Well, not bad!” A man angrily responded: “Not bad?” To this, my brother innocently asked: “Who is the owner?” The same man got angrier and said sharply: “I am!” Ouch… The owner just claimed his property. He would do anything to defend it.

For a very long time I have asked God to “heal” me. No answer. Why? Because actually I don’t really want God claim me as God’s property. I still want to own myself.

Fifty Thousand Bill

2010-03-07T21:34:00.002+07:00

“Fifty Thousand Bill”

Lent 2010 – Day 16b; Sunday, March 7.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I was approaching the toll gate to the highway this afternoon. The toll was nine thousand, and I had a fifty thousand bill ready. I opened my window, not knowing that there was a strong wind. My fifty thousand bill was blown away from my hand. I panicked, stopped my car, and got off. Thank God, the money lied still just there, close to the tire.

Had it been blown far away, I would certainly have felt a big loss. Fifty thousand bill plus nine thousand in total! It was not so much about the value itself, but it was about my dignity. How could I be so stupid? That sounds so much like sin. When I sin, I pay too much for something that is actually so cheap. Sadly, I don’t think about my dignity.

Conversion is not so much about saying no to sin, as saying yes to the true me. If I can get for free a first-class stuff, why do I still spend so much for rubbish?

Want to Be Loved?

2010-03-06T07:48:00.001+07:00

“Want to Be Loved?”

Lent 2010 – Day 16; Saturday, March 6.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I heard a husband complain about his wife: “She keeps asking me ‘Do you love me?’” He was frustrated. No matter how hard he tries, his wife doesn’t feel loved. The same thing is true with God. Many times has God tried to love me, and I just ignored that love. Yet the good news is: God will always find ways to make me feel loved.

How many Lenten seasons have you ever had? How many plans about fasting or penance have you ever made? How many times have you been frustrated by the same failures even on fasting days like Fridays? Then you might want to give up. Enough! It never works! Why bother? God is unfair. You think that conversion is reserved just for few.

Oh really? But never forget, that those few people are those who let themselves loved totally by God. So the question is quite simple: Do you want to be loved?

There's Something

2010-03-05T07:17:00.001+07:00

“There’s Something”

Lent 2010 – Day 15; Friday, March 5.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

This happens many times. You eat and you don’t realize that there is something left just outside your mouth. Everything seems to be normal. Then the person you eat with lets you know. You’re embarrassed and with your fingers try to clean it, not knowing exactly where, until the other person says: “It’s fine now.”

I need someone to point out my mistakes to me. The moment when someone honestly tells me about something stupid that I’m not aware of doing, is actually the moment of exceptional grace. Many times sin is an expression of stupidity. That’s why it can convince us that everything is just fine, while in fact it isn’t.

We act stupidly sometimes out of jealousy. Sin of stupidity is more serious than sin of jealousy itself. Ironically, when you’re jealous, you’re sure that you’re not stupid.

No Signal

2010-03-04T05:11:00.000+07:00

“No Signal”

Lent 2010 – Day 14; Thursday, March 4.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Remember the days before the cell phone’s booming? Before you go to meet your friend you need to agree about two basic things: the place and the time. Today you will simply say to each other “When you’re near, give me a call” or “Just text me.” When you realize that there is no signal there, it’s too late! You’re totally lost!

We put too much confidence in our communication gadget, while we have plenty of time and easy way to communicate face to face way ahead. Real encounter becomes less important than the one mediated through the telecommunication network. Sadly, we replace what is “personal” with what is “practical.”

Between me and God? I might simply count on “something” that God can give, but never bother to relate to God as “someone.” Nothing personal; just practical.

Did I Order It?

2010-03-03T06:21:00.000+07:00

“Did I Order It?”

Lent 2010 – Day 13; Wednesday, March 3.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Have you ever tried a new menu in a new restaurant? Not knowing exactly what to order, I usually look at the picture. Of course, they know how to present good pictures that can make the food look good and so appealing. When the waitress comes, and put the plate in front of me, many times I ask “Did I order it?”

I have heard many times people complain “My life was better before becoming a Christian!” Don’t they know, what they have ordered? If Christianity is like a meal package, whatever you pick, be sure you’re ready to accept the complimentary side dish for free. That is, the cross! Cross is not an exception. It comes with the package.

The clearest sign that you’re on the right track is when you suffer because you do what is really “good,” not what “feels good”!

Admire Me!

2010-03-02T06:23:00.000+07:00

“Admire Me!”

Lent 2010 – Day 12; Tuesday, March 2.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I grew up in a fashion industry. Not with the big names like Versace or Armani, but just my mother’s garment business. Part of my childhood memory was watching those handsome and pretty models in and out our home. I can even say with pride that as a 10-year old boy I did walk on a catwalk as a model.

Never will I forget the first time I heard hundred of people applaud me. I can still feel the sensation standing at that corner where I stopped, made a gentle spin, put a big smile, and waited for the applause. Deep inside me I shouted: “Admire me!” But now the key word of fashion performance really disturbs me. That word is “fake.”

I’m afraid that the same word exists in my faith life. People might see me good. I might be so, not because I want to be or to do good, but simply to look good. How empty!

Sickly Boy

2010-03-01T09:04:00.001+07:00

“Sickly Boy”

Lent 2010 – Day 11; Monday, March 1.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

When I was a little boy, I used to be sickly. I disappointed my big brother for not being able to play outside with him. I made my dad feel desperate. I made my mom worry. My little sister became my closest friend. People around me kept making a remark: “You are such a sickly boy.” Without knowing it, I began to internalize it and convince myself: Yes, I’m sickly.

I bore that remark for many years. My fellow seminarians, as well as my Jesuit brothers, continued the same remark. Then the day of liberation arrived. I was sent to Rome. No one knew my history. No one made that remark. And guess what? I became healthier and healthier. Today, every time I do my exercises, I remember that liberation. Innocent judgment can be deadly!

If Lent is time to be set free one more time, it’s also my responsibility to set others free. To do that, I would begin by turning my judgments against others into words of appreciation.

Sign Language

2010-02-28T22:20:00.000+07:00

“Sign Language”

Lent 2010 – Day 10a; Sunday, February 28.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I have a very beautiful cousin who is so special, and was recently married to a man who is also special. Due to their conditions, they communicate a lot in sign language. What strikes me is the fact that his younger brother has learned very well the sign language. He did it out of love: this is the best way to communicate to his brother!

That gesture of love is really inspiring. It reminds me of how God has always been trying to communicate with me in a language that I’m capable of. God always finds the right way to get me. God is not the problem, but I am. I’m so slow in letting God talk to me. I’m too stubborn to recognize how God has purposely learned my language.

Sometimes I ask myself: why does God choose me? I have a hint. God may find that learning my language is so fascinating. That’s why God never gives up!

Not Too Clean, Please

2010-02-27T06:08:00.002+07:00

“Not Too Clean, Please”

Lent 2010 – Day 10; Saturday, February 27.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Do you believe that if you clean your ear or nose too well, you might create an infection right there? I’ve had both, nose infection, and some years later, ear infection. Do you know what the doctor said? “Clean it, but not too clean!” Well, fair enough. My ear or nose needs that greasy, disgusting, yellowish substance to protect itself.

Loving my enemies, forgiving them, even praying for them don’t always come easy. Many times I’ve asked God to help me to forgive them. Yet, I know they are still there. What if those painful experiences actually need to be there to make me function well? Could they be like that greasy substance in my ear or nose?

Dreaming of a clean new life is understandable. But, I’m afraid, that I might want it too clean, that I unintentionally create a spiritual infection harder to heal?

Craving for Sin

2010-02-26T06:10:00.000+07:00

“Craving for Sin”

Lent 2010 – Day 9; Friday, February 26.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I decided to give up coffee for Lent. The first days were really hard. I realize more than ever, that I’ve really become a coffee lover. Something is really missing. Even worse! I develop some high level of cravings for coffee. It feels like there is a big hole in my daily schedule. It feels awkward to start a new day without coffee.

Like you, I’ve been wrestling with sins. I realize that somehow the pattern of sin has become a basic ingredient in my daily regiment. You can imagine how it feels when I really want to give up sin. Yes! Now I even have some cravings for sin. I become groggy if I live a day without sin. How horrible!

Another reason why we haven’t made any significant progress in our spiritual life can be this: we actually still crave for sins!

Take a Number

2010-02-25T06:40:00.002+07:00

“Take a Number”

Lent 2010 – Day 8; Thursday, February 25.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Remember the last time you were in a line? Take a number and wait for your turn. Soon you begin to count every second. Still ten numbers before you. Then you give up, trash the number slip, and walk away. You don’t realize that all the ten persons before you did just the same earlier. So you miss your chance to be the very next person to be served.

Many times that has been my attitude in prayer. Waiting for God to answer my prayer really takes a courage and generosity. So I need to learn to simply enjoy the waiting. The answer will come in an unexpected time, even in a surprising way. Indeed, many times it is the waiting itself that really count and transform me.

If I see the waiting as part of God’s answer, when God does finally answer my prayer, I can really celebrate it. To do this, I need to stop from counting every second.

Self-Anesthesia

2010-02-24T05:22:00.003+07:00

“Self-Anesthesia”

Lent 2010 – Day 7; Wednesday, February 24.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Ever been to a dentist for tooth extraction? Well, to make your life less miserable, today’s doctor is generous enough with anesthesia. You won’t feel any pain, and you trust your dentist to proceed. If he or she wants to fool you, he or she can extract any tooth. You simply trust him or her, as long as you don’t feel the pain.

I’m afraid that I might have been so used to self-anesthesia in regard to my sins. Year after year, I’ve been able to convince myself that everything is just fine. Heaven knows, how many times I have asked God to hit me hard so that I can repent from my sins. God has indeed hit me hard many times, yet I haven’t felt any pain. So why bother?

Too much confidence in God’s mercy and forgiveness can indeed make me numb. Problem is, how much time do I still have before my time is up?

By Law!

2010-02-23T06:22:00.004+07:00

“By Law!”

Lent 2010 – Day 6; Tuesday, February 23.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I was boarding a flight in Singapore when I noticed a sign which looked scary. Well, it was just a “no smoking” sign, but right below it were two monosyllabic words: “BY LAW.” Somehow I felt threatened. Behind those two words there was a tremendous power. And sure enough, breaking that law was the last thing I wanted to come close to.

Lent is a time to get in touch again with a tremendous power. It doesn’t depend on the quantity of words I say in my prayer, since less means more. When I hold my tongue, I make a decision to go deeper in my heart. Once I touched again that power in the innermost recess of my heart, it will flow into my entire being.

It’s time to touch again my desire to be a better person, and to say with a renewed conviction, “Yes, I really want it.”

Love Decision

2010-02-22T00:07:00.001+07:00

“Love Decision”

Lent 2010 – Day 5; Monday, February 22; Feast of St. Peter’s Chair

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Love is a decision. After the highs of the “in-love” stage is over, the time will come when one should make a decision to love. It’s the moment when one is invited to go beyond theoretical knowledge. While it isn’t feeling anymore, it isn’t simply about logics either. Love is not simply mathematical calculation. It’s a decision of the heart.

In terms of making and changing decision, we humans are expert compared to God. Yes. I don’t think that God has ever changed the decision to love me no matter what. We humans take time. In some cases, it seems to take a lifetime to decide to love God back. No wonder we need Lent every year, and we are just the same messy people.

Here is a paradox. When I finally decide to totally love God, it’s actually a decision to let myself be loved totally by God. Being loved so much is a lot scarier than loving itself.

Gentleman on the Stairs

2010-02-21T07:21:00.002+07:00

“Gentleman on the Stairs”

Lent 2010 – Day 4a; Sunday, February 21.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

If you go with a woman, and needs to take the stairs, be a gentleman. If you go up, you let her go first, and you stay right behind her. But if you go down, you should go first and stay right in front of her. Why? Should she trips and falls, you’ll be right there to catch her. You also make her feel secure since she knows you are her protector.

Sadly, I’m not always willing to let God be my protector. Who knows? I might sub-consciously feel that this is too feminine. I am the man, I am the protector. So, I let myself fall into temptations. I bet, this applies to woman too. Letting God be the protector is letting God to act manly. For some women with past hurt from men, this is too much.

God wants to protect us. When we don’t let it happen, we might violently emasculate God. I wonder if this is what saddens Him the most.

Desirable Sickness

2010-02-20T05:18:00.001+07:00

“Desirable Sickness”

Lent 2010 – Day 4; Saturday, February 20.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

When I was a young teenager I once got very sick. I was literally confined to bed for a whole month. Along the way I learned how to let others help me. I even began to enjoy being sick, since everybody paid attention to me. It was suddenly over when the doctor allowed me to get up and walk. I was healed, and I lost all the special treatments.

Being sick can be so desirable, especially when it is the best way to get attentions. I wonder if the same thing applies to sin. I know I have to get rid of certain repeated sins, yet I also know that staying with this sin will attract God’s attention to me. And that certainly feels good. I’m addicted to the notion of fighting against sin with God.

God wants to heal me, to change my life. Yet I’m afraid to let God do it, since I’m afraid that if I become a better person, I will lose God’s special attention to me.

Hallmark Card

2010-02-19T09:42:00.000+07:00

“Hallmark Card”

Lent 2010 – Day 3; Friday, February 19.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I tell you one of my secrets. When I was a lot younger, I used to collect beautiful Hallmark cards. Every now and then I would stop by at a Hallmark store, browsed them, and read thoughtfully the beautiful words on them, and bought one I considered the best. I usually didn’t have any particular person in mind. Now, imagine that eventually I sent one among the best cards to someone, only to hear her say: “You shouldn’t waste your money for this.”

Here is the crucial thing. For her, that card is just “something,” while I put a great deal of myself into it that I feel like me being present in it. I wish that the card would be accepted as “someone.” The same thing happens during Lent. After all these years, I now believe that fasting or penance is not about something, but about someone. It is not about “excluding something” for Lent (coffee for example, in my case), but it is about “embracing someone.”

If I can say no to coffee, but can’t say yes to love God and my neighbors, I’m not really doing the real penance.

Deadly Diet

2010-02-18T17:42:00.000+07:00

“Deadly Diet”

Lent 2010 – Day 2; Thursday, February 18.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Just look around. You will see some who are struggling with high cholesterol level. Look how they eat. Are your shocked? Listen to what they say: “It’s OK. Just a little bite… and if things get worse, I’ve got my pills.” Don’t forget to notice the victorious smile on their faces. And guess what? The next morning you will hear them complain: “I’ve a terrible headache.” Duh…?

Choosing is part of life. Yet, making the right choice is not always in the picture. Sometimes we even play with life or death choice. If this is what happens with choosing between holiness and sinfulness, I feel so embarrassed. When I choose sin, I choose death. The more I respect my life, the more I want to choose holiness. My repeated fallings and negligence may simply be signs of my lack of respect toward life.

Want to know the worst part of the story? It’s when you say a split second before committing a sin: “It’s OK. Just a little bite…”

Scary U-Turn

2010-02-17T21:20:00.000+07:00

“Scary U-Turn”

Lent 2010 – Day 1 (Ash Wednesday); February 17.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I hate making a U-Turn at certain spots in my neighborhood. Why? It always feels like fighting a battle. Rarely will the vehicles from the opposite direction stop or slow down. On the contrary, they seem to speed up nastily when they see I need to get in. Things can get worse during the rush hour. If I can avoid making U-Turn, I will certainly opt for it.

Here I am, another year, another Ash Wednesday, another Lent. If conversion is like going back by making a U-Turn, I know why it is sometimes hard. It requires patience and the right moves. Making an abrupt and reckless U-Turn can cause a collision. Yet, making a very slow move can also cause a collision. I guess that’s my prayer: “God, grant me patience and teach me the right moves during this time of conversion.”

If conversion is indeed a battle, it is no doubt a battle worth fighting for. Hesitation to go through it will only reveal my true self as a coward.

A Writer's Pain

2009-12-25T15:45:00.000+07:00

“A Writer’s Pain”
(Random Blogging Series #7 – Friday, December 25, 2009) – Christmas Reflection

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I got a phone call one day, asking me to write a short article in a magazine. Sensing the desperation in the caller’s voice, I said yes, even though the dead-line was just the following day. I did my best, finished the article, and e-mailed it. Then I got a phone call. With a mix of embarrassment and guilty feeling the caller told me that the editors had changed the theme, and my article simply would not be published.

There was another phone call. Same situation: a request for a short article that had to be sent within a couple of days. I put all my instincts of a writer at work. Given the very limited space, I had to edit it several times. Finally I thought that I had been able to put the best part right at the end as a surprise twist. It was supposed to be the “catchy phrase,” and I was quite happy with that (even tempted to tap on my own shoulder!).

Now imagine my reaction when it was published as scheduled. Even if I had not gone beyond the limited space, the published article had been truncated. Still worse, my best part, that “catchy phrase” that I had planned to become “the bomb” was simply not there! Of course, it’s the job of an editor. I’m quite familiar with that. Yet, still, to find that the best part of my article had completely been erased was rather unexpected.

As I was trying to reconcile myself with the pain, God seemed to show me something. How many times have I come to God, asked urgently for a help, and after it had been granted, I simply said to God, “I don’t need it any more. I changed my mind”? How many times has God given me all the best things that God could do, and I simply rejected them, for no clear reason whatsoever?

Thinking about Christmas? Well, if I can feel the pain of being used, neglected, rejected, misunderstood through my writing experience, how much more God can feel the pain writing that four letter word L O V E in the most intimate chamber of my heart? So I pray, that next year on Christmas I may be able to say “I’ve learned to let God help me; I didn’t give God too much pain.” Have a joyously blessed Christmas!

Baggage Claim... Again?

2009-12-13T10:12:00.000+07:00

"Baggage Claim… Again?"

(Casual Blogging Series #6 – Sunday, December 13, 2009) – Birthday Reflection

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I know this is not new. I must have mentioned it several times. Recently I’ve been traveling across the globe: in October westwards to Rome, Italy, and last week eastwards to the down under, Melbourne and Sydney, Australia. I’ve earned a nickname, for better or for worse, a “flying priest.” During those trips, as had happened several times before, the baggage claim experiences turned out to be significant.

Waiting for my bag on the baggage belt can become like life-or-death experience. If after some time I don’t see my bag, I begin to worry: Is it coming? Has someone stolen it? Has it been taken by mistake? Once I see it, I feel such a big thrill. But this time something new dawned on me. Assuming that there is no malice, why on earth do people take a wrong bag that doesn’t really belong to them? I can only find one answer: because the bag itself appears to be theirs! No surprise! Many bags just look the same! [And worse, if you go to Indonesia, they don’t really check your baggage claim tags before you walk out from the airport! Oh well…]

This made me think. If I were like a bag moving on the baggage belt, who will pick me and claim me? What would be on my bag tag? Is it clearly written “Christ’s,” or what? This is what I have done so many times: I put other names on it. Here are some examples: “Career’s” – “Pleasure’s” – “Comfort’s” – “Lust’s” – “Fame’s” – “Pride’s” – “Intimacy’s” – “Success’s” and on and on and on… you name it. Whenever I put those names on top of the real label “Christ’s,” then of course, I make my life such a mess. Not only that, I hurt others as well, because I turn their sincere trust into just a cheap toy!

Yesterday, December 12, I turned 43. I thank God for so many wonderful people who have always been there to peel off other labels I have glued on my life bag tag, and make the real one visible, “Christ’s”! And when they see me being taken away, they are willing to fight for me… “God, You know me, nothing hidden to You…”

"Paolo and Gianluca"

2009-11-22T09:05:00.000+07:00

“Paolo and Gianluca”

(Casual Blogging Series #5 – Sunday, November 22, 2009) – Christ the King

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

About a month ago I had the opportunity to visit some old friends in Rome. I stayed with Alessandro and Marcella, and their two little boys, Paolo and Gianluca. Amid my efforts to speak in Italian I did enjoy my time with those little angels. One incident somehow has ingrained in my mind. I was playing with them when at one point the little Gianluca looked deeply into my eyes, and called my name, “Deshi!” (and as a true Italian he made a gesture with his hands). As I’m writing this, I can still hear clearly his voice calling me by name.

For one reason, there is this cultural thing. Here in Indonesia, little kids can’t just call adults by name. It’s considered so impolite, if not uncivilized. Besides, people simply call me “Romo” (that’s Javanese, meaning “Father”). My little nephews call me “Pakdhe Romo” (“Uncle Priest”). So, I haven’t been called simply by my name for a long time. That’s why for me that incident turned out to be a surprising celebration of who I really am. I am Deshi, that’s all. And the little Gianluca gave me that gift with his innocence. In his voice, there was that pure trust in me.

Later on, I realized that this is how God has been dealing with me. God always calls my name with that “pure trust.” No hidden agenda. God loves me as who I am, not as who I should be. More surprisingly, that memory became very strong this morning as I pondered upon today’s feast, Christ the King. Yes, in Christian belief, He is the King of Kings, of all universe, and of the whole history of humanity. For Jesuits, all the more, having been formed by the Meditation of the King’s Call in St. Ignatius of Loyola’s “Spiritual Exercises,” this feast has a special emphasis that moved us not only to love Him, but more so to offer Him our total service [oops, well, at least that’s the ideal for each Jesuit]. This is not a feast of a frightening King. I believe that this is also a feast when I hear again Christ the King calling me, “Deshi,” with a pure trust in me. The same thing also to each one of you.

Thank you, Paolo and Gianluca, for this wonderful teaching.

The Not-So-Good Samaritan

2009-07-08T10:46:00.000+07:00

“The Not-So-Good Samaritan?”
(Casual Blogging Series #4 – Wednesday, July 8, 2009) – Presidential Election Day

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I just voted. I won’t tell you whom I voted for, unless…. (sorry, I can’t say it for fear of making hidden campaign). As I was driving home from the election site, watching at my tainted finger, thinking of some other things happened recently in my life, and reflecting on God’s soft whispers I had been hearing during these past weeks, I recalled the story of the Good Samaritan. What really makes this guy “good,” that centuries of generations have been canonizing him as the Good Samaritan? At least, there are two kinds of goodness. I call them, “the goodness of stopping” and “the goodness of moving on.”

That guy saw a wounded man. [Wait a minute, did I tell you it’s in Luke 10:25-37? And make sure you look up for Luke in the New Testament. If you don’t know, you must be a classical Roman Catholic. Oops… Peace!]. He stopped and did everything he could: approached him, poured oil and wine over the wounds, bandaged them, put him on his donkey, brought him to an inn, and might even stay awake all night long to take care of him. All this is his “goodness of stopping.” Yes, he stopped from his routine. He put aside his personal plan and let himself be bothered by the suffering of his fellow human being. He might feel groggy the next day for lack of sleep.

Here comes the surprise. The very next day, he gave two silver coins to the inn-keeper, asked him to take care of the poor guy, promised to give more should it be necessary later on, and… and… and… he took off! Wait a minute. Did he really leave the poor fellow in the hands of a stranger? How did he know that the inn-keeper would really take care of the wounded man? Wasn’t he afraid that the inn-keeper would waste his money for other needs? Well, all we know is that he really took off and left the poor fellow with the inn-keeper. All that he did the next day (and God knows how many more days after that) was his “goodness of moving on.”

I believe that this combination of complementary two kinds of goodness really makes him good! Cross out one of these, and you will have a “not-so-good Samaritan.” He is good because he wants to do good with as much time and energy and love he has. Yet, if he thinks that he is the only one who can do good, and everybody else will never do such goodness, he is not really a good guy. And remember, this parable is Jesus’ way of teaching how we should love others as we love ourselves. This guy is good because he both loves others and himself totally. He doesn’t forget his own needs to do his own business. This is so amazing. Yes, even Mother Teresa had to eat, have some rest, pray, go to Mass. She was a saintly woman, precisely because she loved herself so much and at the same time loved others so much. And think about Pope John Paul the Great who always had time for skiing. He became a saintly man, again, because he loved himself and others so much. That is the real teaching in the parable of the Good Samaritan.

Yet, sadly, many of us practice only the first half of his goodness. Many of us will immerse themselves in helping others without ever loving themselves much enough. Just look around. Wives who tend every single detail of their husbands’ needs, mothers who sweat all day and never believe in trusting their children to stand on their own feet, priests who never eat because they give all his time in ministry, and still many others. I believe, were Jesus here, He would have said, “Well, these people, even the most heroic ones, are in fact the not-so-good Samaritans.”

[Now, just a small note about the election. I put it between brackets. No clear insight yet. When leaders say that they will give themselves up totally for the people’s needs, many ears will hear, ironically, just the second half of the goodness. They probably would never really stop and take care, but simply ask others to do their jobs, and eventually blaming others for not doing their jobs well. I hope I am completely wrong here].

So, just be the really, really, really GOOD Samaritan.

PS. This reflection is inspired by Bo Sanchez’ book “7 Secrets to Real Freedom,” pp. 91-92. If you buy and read this book, tell the author that I mention him here.

Sea of Albs

2009-06-24T20:32:00.000+07:00

“Sea of Albs”
(Casual Blogging Series #3 – Wednesday, June 24, 2009)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I was at the Cathedral the other day with our Bishop Cardinal and hundreds of priests. [For you who have never seen so many priests in one place together, it is highly recommended to come to the Chrism Mass during the Holy Week, or to an ordination, either to the diaconate or the priesthood]. Let me tell you a little secret. I usually enjoy such occasion, not for a pious reason at all, but rather a human one. Being among my brother priests is like being immersed in the unconceivable richness of God’s love. How so? Just look around.

You will see very thin priests who make you think that the Church do not feed them enough, but you will also see obese priests who make you think that they have taken more food portions from their brother priests. You will see priests dressed in lousy and wrinkled shirts, but you will also see priests dressed in crispy neatly iron-pressed shirts fresh from a professional laundry. You will see priests with worn-out strap sandals inherited from a deceased elderly priest, but you will also see priests walking around in their shiny Prada shoes. You will see priests with last-century cell-phones heavy like a corner stone, but you will also see priests with the ultimate feather-light model of Blackberry or I-Phone. [Well, if you know me, you can easily tell which category I will fit in]. The list can go endlessly.

Then, it was time for Mass. All took off their shirts and put on their albs. Of course, some look whiter than the others. [If you don’t know what an “alb” is, it’s the “white gown” priests wear while they’re on duty]. I had had that experience of “mass changing room” many times before with my brother priests. Yet for some reasons, it was so touching. Well, after all, we all share the one and same priesthood. That convinced me about my idea of God. For me, one adjective that would perfectly describe God is “crazy.”

God must be crazy. No, I’m not quoting a title of a funny movie decades ago. I’m saying it, because it is this God that appears in my mind every time I think of my priesthood, as well as that of others. Being in the midst of the sea of those white albs brings with it a bit of uneasiness. Yes, we wear white, while we know perfectly how our hearts are so far from white! I began to think that it is white because it is a way of saying how God always sees each and all of us. This is not a self-justification. We priests do need conversion. I’ll be the first who desperately cries to God for another deep conversion. Yet, again, if I think of my priesthood, I know for sure, that my God is indeed a crazy God. There are many good men out there, but why on earth did God pick us?

For you who have been wounded by priests (including me), I ask for your apology. May this “Year of Priests” (from June 19 this year until the same date next year) be a year of profound and sincere conversion for us priests. Believe me, while there are certainly many, many, many, good priests on this planet who far outnumber the bad ones, the idea of becoming good priests can appear to many as counter-cultural. Join us in this not-so-easy journey into the most intimate precincts of the hearts of priests.

A Split-Second

2009-06-21T23:05:00.000+07:00

“A Split-Second”
(Casual Blogging Series #2 – Sunday, June 21, 2009)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Remember Naomi, my lovely-black-lady-car? Well, I’ve got a bad news for you. Naomi was hit by a motorcycle. I had switched the left-turn-light on, looked to my left side… clear! I had just made a slight turn to the left when suddenly a motorcycle hit the passenger door from my left side. [Well, I should have known this. Jakarta’s motorcycles are dangerous!]. Still worse, the young man riding it just ran away speeding. Well, at least, it was obvious that he knew he had been guilty. I was so so so angry. [Bad words even came out of my lips. Please don’t tell my Superior].

As I continued driving, my mind immediately began to elaborate a story about the accident. Strangely enough, all I could come up with was a list of that young man’s mistakes. Yet at the same time I knew I was not honest to myself. At last I decided to claim also my own share in the accident. You know what? Just a split-second before the accident I had put down my cell-phone after declining a request for a school Mass. So, yes, the accident took place because I was not completely focused on my driving. I remember I said this to one of my Jesuit brothers. Once I had admitted, “I was distracted by the cell-phone,” I began to feel a deep sense of relief. Peace returned to my heart.

I knew I had learned something precious: as long as I see all the wrong-doings are only somewhere out there, I will never ever gain a true peace within. I was stunned by the fact that I had even been willing to lie to myself about myself. Yes, that’s a sad irony: we are the most dangerous and deadly liars to ourselves. I still wanted to convince myself, “I’m just a victim.” The problem with that statement doesn’t lie on the word “victim,” but on the word “just.” I was in a sense a victim of that reckless motorcyclist, yet I was clearly not just a victim, since I also had my own share in what eventually led to the accident.

I also learned not only to admit that I had been wrong, but more importantly, to own the pain caused by my own mistakes. The beautiful paradox was clear: once I had owned the pain, it immediately disappeared! Just as my mistake took place only in a split-second, so did the healing! But believe it or not, so many people out there prefer to delay [some even until their death!] that split-second of the promised healing. God forgives me. The problem is: I don’t always forgive myself. Bottom line, I still want to be bigger than God. And if this is the case, learning to forgive myself is indeed a very serious business!

Silly Corrections

2009-06-10T15:04:00.000+07:00

“Silly Corrections”
(Casual Blogging Series #1 – Wednesday, June 10, 2009)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I’m a teacher. Giving exams is always exciting. A lot of good lessons can be drawn. Here’s one. Someone can be so sure with the answer. He or she writes and writes and writes (perhaps with thanksgiving prayer to God and with a stronger belief that those candles lit in front of the statue of Mary really work!). At one point he or she realizes that the answer already written is completely wrong. I can see three options here for this student.

First, he or she can apply the correction liquid to cover all that is written with sheer white coat; then he or she write on it. Problem is, some pens are simply not made to write on those shiny-slippery white coats. Even worse, the first page will not look nice at all to the eyes of the teacher. Second, he or she can simply make a line across the first page and write the right answer on the second page. The wrong answer is still there and can be seen clearly, but that line across the page will tell the teacher not to bother with what is written there. Fair enough. Third, he or she can simply toss the answer sheet to the trash bin, walk to the teacher’s desk, and say “I’ve made mistakes. Could I have a new answer sheet, please?”

Imagine I have three students taking those options respectively. Suppose also that the three of them give the “correct answers.” Well, beyond the grading, I can see at least three different ways of dealing with mistakes. Option one: you focus on the mistakes and have a hard time to brush over them, and then pretend that everything is normal and under control. Option two: you recognize the mistakes, but you still hold on them along the way. Option three: you admit that you’ve made mistakes, focus on the new possibilities in the future, and move on.

Now, you see, that this is actually a miniature of our life-stories? Sadly, I’ve met many good Catholics who opt for number one while dealing with their mistakes. Fewer take number two, and not so many are willingly take number three. Why so? Because in a sense many of us like to feel like heroes or heroines while focusing on the mistakes. Many of us enjoy performing on the life-stage and tell the whole world that we are just victims and that we still desperately wrestle with the mistakes done to us.

We all make mistakes. The difference is, some make silly corrections, while some make smart ones. Whatever you choose, it will determine your life story after the mistakes.

Sixth Sense

2009-04-12T15:26:00.000+07:00

“Sixth Sense”
Easter 2009 – Day 01 (Easter Sunday)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Look back at those intense days during the Holy Week (or Passion Week). We are so engaged with God through our senses. We smell the incense, eat His Body, drink His Blood, feel His touch as He washed our feet and wipe them, look at Him in agony in the Gethsemane, look at Him hanging on the Cross, kiss His wounds, see the darkness, see the new fire, see the new light from Easter candle, hear the joyful invitation to rejoice, see the newly baptized, feel the water sprinkled on our skin. As a good friend of mine said, “Roman Catholics come at full force through symbols during these days!” Yes, those symbols speak to us through our senses. God knows how to relate to us humanly!

As we stand in the empty tomb and look at the folded linen, we are faced with so many questions. This is the time when God wants to go further with us. It is the beginning for us to use our sixth sense. Yes, we go beyond our five senses. Yes, we go deeper into our hearts. Yes, we look deeper beyond the wounds on His hands, feet, and side. Resurrection is the celebration of our sixth sense. Or, more precisely, we can only celebrate the victorious Easter Sunday with our sixth sense enforced by that power of love!

These days are called the Octave of Easter. We want to extend the joy of Easter by shouting loudly “Hallelu-Jah!” We want to develop our sixth sense to be aware that He is indeed risen, alive, at work, and always present near us, even if we don’t always realize this with our five senses. Have a great victory with Jesus!

Incomplete Journey

2009-04-12T15:24:00.000+07:00

“Incomplete Journey”
Lent 2009 – Day 40 (Apr 11); Holy Saturday

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Here we are, right at the very last day, Day 40, of our Lenten journey. At the beginning I had a dream to faithfully write meditation every day. Yet, as you can clearly tell, I’ve not been able to do that. The last thirteen days were so messed-up. With trips and other issues to handle, I have always been behind the target. At first I was so upset with myself. But, honestly, I was upset for a very clear reason: I wasn’t able to give my best to some of you who were walking with me along this journey. The darker side of it is also clear: I was upset because I wasn’t able to present myself as a good spiritual writer. I know, my intention is still stained with some need for self-glorification, and I do apologize for this.

Later on, however, I became at peace with this. A beautiful lesson I learned from God is precisely on this point: conversion journey is always an incomplete journey, and it does not fully depend on me. Conversion can only take place because God’s grace works out my incompleteness. If any of these short spiritual notes has ever deeply touched you, it is certainly God’s work. If what you find is dryness, have no doubt, it is because I was not always attuned to the works of God’s Spirit in the process of writing.

Holy Saturday is always awkward. In Indonesian we call it something like “Silent Saturday.” It is silent because we are no longer with the living Jesus, but not yet with the risen Jesus. We may not always realize this, since we are usually busy heading to the Easter Vigil. Silent Saturday is what we experience quite often in our daily life. We are in an uncertain ground. Yet, we need to stay there. We need to go through this stage if we really want to get at the victorious Sunday. Silent Saturday is a good reminder that our conversion journey is indeed always incomplete. Only when we meet God face to face we can call it complete!

Kissing Our Guilt

2009-04-12T15:20:00.000+07:00

“Kissing Our Guilt”
Lent 2009 – Day 39 (Apr 10); Good Friday

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

[This is actually my homily on Good Friday which I delivered in Indonesian. Believe it or not, it was also the first time for me to preside at a Good Friday Liturgy]. Do you want to hear a terrible bad news? I’ve got one for you. Here it is: we have lost something precious, and we are not aware of it! What is this something very precious? Our sense of guilt! Yes, in the name of human self-fulfillment, we have become more and more allergic to the healthy and necessary sense of guilt. Why is it so? First, we have learned so well how to manipulate others by purposely incur the sense of guilt so that we can gain what we want. Look at relationship between a young man and his girlfriend. This young man can play and get what he wants from his girlfriend simply by replaying again the litany of her mistakes in the past. “Oh I see, you forgot to call me because you don’t love me anymore!” “Oh well, you always prefer your family to me!” “Right, your exam is more important than my love to you!” and on and on and on. That’s why we have no clue of what a healthy and necessary sense of guilt should be.

Second, we keep asking others to understand us. Look at the streets in Jakarta. When it rains, motor bikers will stop under the fly over right at the busy cross street, or just in the under pass tunnel. They don’t care if hundreds of cars are slowed down. All lanes are practically blocked by the parked motor cycles! Or, just look at how people stop at the traffic light. Many of them don’t care if they stop at the far left lane which is supposed for those who want to turn left. The result! All other cars behind are blocked, since there are some drivers who don’t want to wait. When they are reminded, either they get angry, or they show their miserable faces. Whatever they do, it is clear, that implicitly they say, “Please, understand me!” “Please, understand us, it is raining, and we need shelter!” “Please, understand me, I don’t have time to wait in the line!” and on and on and on. What they actually say is, “I’m not wrong! Why do you make a big case out of it?” No wonder, we have really lost our sense of guilt.

Third, we have become excellent liars against ourselves. We know that what we do is wrong, but we can cleverly find excuses, even spiritual and pious ones, that at night before going to bed, we can tap on our own shoulders and say, “Don’t worry, everything is OK!” and go to bed peacefully. This, I think, is the most serious one. Many of us have even begun to see that what is so wrong is OK! Just look at the good and beautiful and logical and theological and spiritual and psychological explanations about your wrong doings. How many times do we really say and admit honestly “Yes, I’m wrong”? Look at how easily we justify ourselves simply by saying, “Well, it just happened!” By saying this, we actually say, “I was not wrong. It was stronger than me. I was just a victim!” How many times we can say plainly, “Yes, I did it, and I know it was so wrong”?

Now, do you want to hear a soothing good news? I’ve got one for you. Here it is: even if we have lost our sense of guilt, even if we can’t say anymore “I’m wrong” or “I’m sorry,” there is a man like us, with flesh and blood who is willing to do it for us, even if this man is totally blameless. His name is Jesus! He is always willing to bear the burden of our mistakes. We even let Him do this. He lost His beautiful figure. He became so unlike any other human beings. We don’t want to look at Him! Yet, on Good Friday, we do exactly this: walking to the crucified and pay respect to Him. Some would touch, while others would kiss.

We do this not with a pity to that Man, but with a pity to ourselves. We kiss not only His wounds, but our own wounds. We don’t want to embrace our sense of guilt and let Him do this by being so inhumanly disfigured, nailed, wounded, and pierced. Yes, when I kiss His wounds, I actually kiss my long lost sense of guilt! Jesus will look from the cross and say gently, “When will you embrace back your healthy and necessary sense of guilt?”

Two Birthdays

2009-04-12T15:16:00.000+07:00

“Two Birthdays”
Lent 2009 – Day 38 (Apr 09); Holy Thursday

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

In Italian we say “Buon Compleanno” which literally means “Good completion of [another] year. In French we say “Bonne Anniversaire” which comes from the same linguistic root that means “year.” In German we have “Geburstag” which is actually very close to our English “Birthday.” Honestly, I prefer the expression in English or German or any other languages which clearly points out the notion of “birth” and not simply that of “[another] year.” When you see a form in English, you will be asked to fill in your DoB, Date of Birth! And so every year, we simply add up the year while maintaining the date and month of our DoB. In fact, I always think that Birthday is a day about “birth,” not about “another year.”

Every year Roman Catholics have a celebration of two birthdays. On Holy Thursday, as we gather to remember the Last Supper, we celebrate the birthdays of two sacraments: the Eucharist and the Priesthood. When Jesus said “This is My Body” and “This is My Blood” He established the Priesthood and the Eucharist. For us priests, of course, this is a very special day! It reminds us about ourselves and our ministry to preside the Eucharist.

We also reenact the washing of the feet. But, notice well, the Gospel actually tells about two important actions: Jesus washed their feet, and after that Jesus wiped their feet dry. It is a big thing to bring people to conversion, but it should not end here. To help people grow is another thing. How many of us stop with the washing of the feet and forget to wipe them dry. When you wash your feet and with wet feet you just walk away, you will end up with more dirt on your feet! Moms know this well when she reminds her kids to wash their feet before bed.

So, you actually have to pose these two questions to yourselves: “Have I let Jesus wash my feet?” and “Have I let Jesus wipe my feet dry?” Then, you also need to ask: “Have I washed others’ feet?” and “Have I wiped others’ feet dry?” Conversion and growth should go together. This is what we see every year on Holy Thursday. In other words, every year, on Holy Thursday we celebrate the birth of our “yes” to Jesus to participate in His ministry of loving, serving, giving, and forgiving.

Road Trip

2009-04-12T15:06:00.000+07:00

“Road Trip”
Lent 2009 – Day 37 (Apr 08)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I returned from the US in 2004. Since then, among other things, what I’ve been missing is the experience of road trip. My memories of driving across California came back when I drove from Jakarta to Bandung, and then back to Jakarta. It took me three hours to get there and four to get back. While I was driving along one among the newest highways in West Java, I realized one thing: I have never driven such a distance by myself. That was so far the longest drive alone I’ve ever had in my entire life. Yet, I enjoyed my time. I had a lot of time to process and get in touch again with myself.

As you know, the tricky thing in driving along highways is to know the exact moment to change lane. The first command that operates automatically in our mind is: get the fastest lane. So changing lane always means leaving the lane where the drive can be slowed down, and entering another lane where we can speed up. Getting slowed down is considered a bad thing. Just remember when in front of you there is a very slow car.

The second command is: get a better view. By this, we don’t want to keep driving behind a big trailer or bus. Why? They just block our view. For this reason, even if the other lane is slower, we can decide to change lane to get a better view. Driving slowly is still better than driving without a good view ahead.

All this driving experience took place just shortly before the Holy Thursday. It became a symbol for me. Here we are, Roman Catholics, remember and honor a Man who decidedly took the slowest lane! To gain power, He chose the lowest rank in society. Not only that, He decidedly enter into a journey where everything seems to block His way. This block is a lot bigger than the biggest trailer or bus ever existed. This block is my sin.

Yes, we want to follow that Man on the slowest lane with a big block in front of us. The good news is: there is assurance that we keep driving forward with Him. With Jesus, the slowest lane is actually the fastest, and the blocked view is actually the clearest.

Saved by Coins

2009-04-07T11:01:00.000+07:00

“Saved by Coins”
Lent 2009 – Day 36 (Apr 07)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I brought back my Italian friend to the hotel. He put some more stuffs in his luggage. We said “arrivederci,” and I watched him leaving the hotel in a Silver Bird taxi. I looked at my watch, and I didn’t want to get caught in the afternoon traffic. Then the nightmare! I looked at my wallet, there was not much cash. Even worse, the hotel has no ATM! What should I do? I asked the guy to check with the parking gate man. After a series of phone calls, he said, “Sir, you will have to pay Rp 16,000. [Well, that’s just a bit more than one US dollar!]. I walked slowly to my car (remember Naomi?), hoping for the best. Luckily I still kept the small purse. Coins! I counted, added with some bills left in my wallet, and got Rp 16,500 total! Yes, I wanted to give my best kiss to those coins that saved my life! So embarrassing! I drove out of a luxurious hotel and paying the parking toll with coins. Yet, deep in my heart, I was so grateful.

Looking at my life, doesn’t it look just the same? I have my car key, my car works well, the gasoline is still near the full line, but I simply can’t use it and go out of the building. There are times in our lives, I believe, that we find ourselves in a very good situation, but when we want to move on, we realize that we are stuck. Honestly, for me during those few minutes, that beautiful hotel was simply a prison! I even had a slight regret that I had ever parked my car Naomi there!

How much in our lives we have similar experiences? How often what we consider beautiful and perfect can turn in a matter of seconds into a nightmare? My heart and my sympathy go to those people who were hit by the rushing water from the collapsed dam recently. Yes, life is so fragile. Moments like that always remind me of how temporary my life is. I just don’t know how much time I still have. No one knows.

The good news is clear. God can come in simple things just like those coins! When things go well I don’t appreciate them so much. Yet I know, even a small coin of a small value can bring me to freedom. Now look for those small coins in your life. Who knows, God is there waiting for you.

Excellent Liar

2009-04-07T10:59:00.000+07:00

“Excellent Liar”
Lent 2009 – Day 35 (Apr 06)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

People have been debating for ages on the so-called “white lies.” Is it OK to lie for a good reason? Can the benefit pursued justify the lie? Where is the limit between the “white” and the “black” lie? Others argue, that white lie doesn’t mean that you tell what is not true, but you don’t tell the whole truth. In other words, you don’t really lie, but you simply hold back some truth. So here we are. When a husband is asked by his wife, “Where were you?” he simply says “I was at the office.” Sure, he was at the office. But this is not the whole truth. What he actually did at the office is another story. In other words, he said the truth, but he holds some of it. He does not lie to his wife, but he does lie to himself. This is a lot more damaging!

Honestly, this is one of my biggest fears in my spiritual journey. The more I know about faith, or God, or religion, or spirituality, the bigger the danger for me to lie to myself. I can cleverly justify and argue with myself what sin really means. I can write pages of good meditation to convince myself that everything is OK, while everybody else can see clearly that it is not so. This is the case with Judas Iscariot. He tells the truth, that the ointment that Mary used for Jesus is very expensive. He tells the truth, that it can be sold and the money can be given to the poor. Here we see a man who has really become an excellent liar, and the victim is himself. He feels that he plays it safe, but he is destroying himself. How sad.

These days we are invited to look at that Man, Jesus, who holds on the whole truth and strives hard to make us see again what it means to be human beings. So, look for the lies in your heart and bring them to light. That’s the first step to go to the resurrection.

Hotel Receptionist

2009-04-07T10:57:00.000+07:00

“Hotel Receptionist”
Lent 2009 – Palm Sunday Year B (Apr 05)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I picked up my friend from Italy at the hotel. He had to check-out and go with me for the Psalm Sunday at the nearest Jesuit parish. I saw those young ladies at the reception desk. For the first time I was impressed by them. Not so much by their beauty (although this is also true), as by their perseverance to remain standing all the time! Out of curiosity I looked for any chair behind the desk. None! I wondered how long each shift is, and I was marveled by the fact that who ever is on the job, she or he has to stand and be alert. They are also at the front line of the hotel. Just next to us, there was a guest checking-out, but for some reason his voice rose of anger. The lady spoke calmly, always with a smile, and soon the problem was solved. I began to see this as a charism of a receptionist.

As Jesus walked by on that street entering the Jerusalem gate, I wonder how the people really saw Him. How many of them pushed their way to be as near as possible to that Man and shouted as loud as possible “Hosanna to the King!” Many did see Him coming, but not all of them were alert. Many wanted to be near, but not all of them wanted to stand at the front line all the time! Many were eager to “talk” about Him, but not all of them were really willing to “walk” with Him. Many put down their clothes and palm branches, but not all of them put down their pride. Many were “cheerful” for that solemn procession, while in reality their “cheerfulness” served to veil their “fearfulness.” The day is coming closer. We are called to talk less and walk more.

The frontline is where we find ourselves striving to stand firm in the midst of false judgments, accusations, and suspicions. It can happen any time, any where, any how. Just keep standing. We need that charism of a receptionist in order to persevere in our faith journey.

Mall Janitor

2009-04-07T10:55:00.000+07:00

“Mall Janitor”
Lent 2009 – Day 34 (Apr 04)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Back to the mall! Let’s go to the restrooms. Sure enough, we will find the janitors. You can tell the quality of the mall by looking at how the janitors are. I’m impressed by the janitors who keep cleaning the restroom. For my standard, sometimes it is even a lot cleaner than my own bedroom! Yet, he keeps wiping, drying, cleaning. It must be written in his job descriptions. Their job is to look at the smallest dirt, or water drops, or stains, and clean it right away. In order to do this, they have to be trained and therefore they have a greater awareness of the uncleanness.

Why clean if it is not dirty? Why fix if it is not broken? Why renew our life if it is still good? This is what I often ask. Conversion will never happen, unless God gives me a new awareness of the uncleanness in me. As long as I think that it is not dirty, I will never clean it. I have other plans to do, and I go for it.

Sometimes I compare myself with some fellow priests. They look calm, orderly, human, happy, responsible, and honest. At times simply encountering some fellow priests can be a gentle reminder from God. It is as if I have to realize that my own bedroom is a lot dirtier than the restrooms at the mall!

It’s true, as it has often been said, that to err is human, but to forgive is divine. The most difficult person to forgive is my own self. Why? I don’t always want to recognize the uncleanness within me. The good news, God is willing to be that responsible janitor and right now is waiting in front of my bedroom door. If Lent is like training time to develop a new awareness, will I now let Him in?

Pretty Woman

2009-04-07T10:35:00.000+07:00

“Pretty Woman”
Lent 2009 – Day 33 (Apr 03)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I arrived safely at the airport and walked directly to the gate. The person who had invited me would pick me up there. Well, the truth was, we didn’t really know each other, for we had only met once some months earlier. I walked slowly, tried hard to guess which one was my host. I got near the parking lot, and I couldn’t find him. As I reached my cell phone in my pocket, I had a sense that the crowd suddenly grew in excitement. I looked up, and there she was. No wonder, a pretty woman was passing by. People behind me commented, “She must be a model.” Yes, she was tall, slim, walked nicely, and most of all she was too aware that people were staring at her. For a split second I forgot that I had to make a phone call. I did it, and you know, my host was just five steps away in front of me. [I hope he didn’t notice that my jaw dropped when the pretty woman was passing by. Oh, well…].

Then I realized that I was wearing my red baseball cap. I couldn’t recognize him and his wife, and they couldn’t recognize me either. There we were, confused, trying to recognize each other, while other people around us were attracted by the pretty woman. It made me think hard. How attractive is Jesus for me? Well, honestly, is Jesus still very attractive? What about this first Friday? All we see is that pierced side of Jesus from which flow only blood and water. There is nothing special, and it is totally unattractive. But why do we, Roman Catholics, still consider the first Friday every month (and more so during Lent) to be so special?

When we look at Jesus’ side we actually see that Jesus is not the focus. His focus is us. Unlike any pretty models that inevitably are really “attention-getters,” Jesus is attractive because He is really an “attention-giver.” So as I look at His heart I actually look at myself. It is for His love for me that He let His heart be pierced. I think, when I become a sincere attention-giver, I can beat the attractiveness of any super models ever exist on this globe.

Keeping the Promise

2009-04-07T10:09:00.000+07:00

“Keeping the Promise”
Lent 2009 – Day 32 (Apr 02)

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Priests are human too. Strangely, for some, it’s hard to accept. If you know me well and live in the same house, you will immediately know what I mean. Yes, we priests, make mistakes, ranging from simply oversleeping and thus coming late to say Mass, to agreeing to preside a wedding for two different couples in two different churches at the same time! Yet, people keep coming to us priests and ask for our prayers.

A senior priest jokingly said to a group of lay audience, “When your priest says, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ don’t believe him. He won’t do it. There are too many people asking him for prayers, and he can hardly remember each of them.” I can relate to this. Sometimes I can only say in my prayer, “God, I don’t remember who exactly has asked for my prayers and what petitions they have. But I want to keep my promise, and so I offer all of them to You.”

Breaking a promise is a lot easier than making it! This is certainly true with us humans, but not with God. The beauty is this: God knows that we will break our promise to Him, and that’s why God always keeps His promise to us! Yes, I said, “that’s why.” Our inability to keep our promise is the reason for God to keep His promise. After all, in terms of keeping promise before God, we are helpless! What a wonderful God we have.

Parliamo Italiano

2009-04-02T16:37:00.000+07:00

“Parliamo Italiano”
Lent 2009 – Day 31 (Apr 01)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

An old friend from Rome is in town. I had a dinner with him last night at the hotel where he stays. Driving through the heavy traffic, I made some mental exercises. After several years away from Italy, I had to pick up the language quickly. Then one big question came. How should I greet him? Of course a hug is the most natural thing Italians would do, but how? Americans would give one’s right side of the body as they hug. I vaguely remembered that with some French friends I used to give “a package of three”: left-right-left cheek. I was not sure about how Italians do it: is it left first, and then right? When I met him, I gave my hug, but without realizing it, I mixed it with the American way: right first, then left! Thank God, my friend didn’t embarrass me. Later as we exchanged stories at table, I kept stumbling, trying hard to find back the right Italian words to say. I was not really free as I used to be when I was still in Rome (well, eleven years have passed since I left).

Being free is not simply a matter of knowing, but more than that, it is a matter of personal engagement. No wonder Jesus had a hard time to tell His listeners, “The truth will make you free.” This is not the truth that one can read in a book. Even in the Bible you can’t find this truth. King Nebuchadnezzar couldn’t understand the truth that made Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego so free and willing to prefer the fiery furnace! Yes, this is about truth rooted in personal engagement with God. Each one of us will find it personally in a very unique way.

Even if last night I could rather proudly make those close to our table really hear that “parliamo italiano” (we speak Italian), I was not really free. I still know the language and the culture, but I miss my personal engagement. For me, Jesus’ words now sound, “Deshi, do you want to know the truth that will set you free? Just let yourself be deeply engaged with Me.” In other words, I can be free only by being chained to God’s love!

Precious Defect

2009-04-02T16:33:00.000+07:00

“Precious Defect”
Lent 2009 – Day 30 (Mar 31)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

We have an old TV set, with screen that immediately feels too small when nine pairs of eyes are focused on it. If you are not familiar with it, be very careful when you turn it on. Once it is on, the volume will reach its peak, loud enough to wake the whole house up and you will nervously push the volume button to decrease it. With good familiarity you will know how to do it right. You simply need to follow a certain procedure, combining two remote controls, one for the cable device, and one for the TV set. In any case, at least, every now and then, with such sudden loud noise, we can be sure that the TV set is still there and still works. The sign of its presence is precisely its defect!

In the desert the Israelites had to accept the fact that they were not in a nice air-conditioned room with puffy sofas and a big pitcher of cold iced lemon tea. Food and drink in the desert are certainly unlike the ones you find on a restaurant menu. Walking in the desert was always walking with all the defects. In fact, all the defects clearly showed that they were really moving forward, not backward to Egypt. The defects in the journey were actually good signs. Now think of the Cross. Christians even proudly lift it up to tell the whole world that this disgusting defect is indeed our good sign. All the imperfections in you right now are signs of your moving forward and signs that you still exist.

Go to a factory outlet and you will most probably find stuffs with all the hidden defects. Yet when you see the slight defect, you can still convince yourself that it’s OK. Why? Because at least you can join the high class celebrities who walk around with their Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Yves Saint Laurent, Armani, Salvatore Ferragamo, Hugo Boss, Tommy Hilfiger, and other big legends. You don’t focus on the defect, since you want to embrace the big names attached on it. No one doubts that the Cross is the nastiest defect, yet we choose it, knowing that a really big name is attached to it, and his name is Jesus!

Good Questions

2009-04-02T11:04:00.000+07:00

“Good Questions”
Lent 2009 – Day 29 (Mar 30)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I was a young priest and student in Rome. After some struggles I finally picked the topic I wanted to work on for my Licentiate thesis. So I courageously approached one professor. Yes, it took courage to talk to that so-called “cold-blooded” professor! With his mysterious smile he said: “Make a good question!” That was it. Weeks passed and I found it so difficult to make a good question. I struggled a lot to get my thesis done in time. Some years later, when I began to engage myself in writing, teaching, and directing my students’ theses, the wisdom of my professor became clear. Yes, a good question is necessary to help us have a clear mind. My students know it well and I can tell that a good paper is always based on a good question. If we can make a good question, it means that actually we already know half of the answer.

Good communication is often times based on the ability to make a good question. Daniel knew this, and his question was simple and sharp, “Under what tree were Susanna and her presumed secret boyfriend found?” A question like this saved Susanna’s life. Good question can be life-sustaining and life-giving! The woman who had been caught in adultery was left alone with Jesus. As if to go deeper to the woman’s heart, Jesus simply asked, “Where are they? Has no one condemned you?” Of course Jesus already knew the answer. Yet it was a lot more than a simple rhetoric. Good question is life-giving.

A mother was furious after she had found some drugs in her teen daughter’s closet. She began to bombard her daughter with stupid questions, “Who gave you this? Why did you lie to me? How long have you been taking drugs? Have you wasted my money? Are you so stupid?” And on and on and on…! Communication went bad! Following an advice from her spiritual director, she learned to make better questions. She tried to start with a question of love with a gentle voice, “Do you really feel that I love you so much?” With this, the whole climate is changed, trust is developed, and openness is easy. Yes, good questions are indeed life-giving.

Earlier Flight

2009-04-02T01:40:00.000+07:00

“Earlier Flight”
Lent 2009 – Fifth Sunday Year B (Mar 29)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I arrived early at the airport for my return flight. Being so uplifted, I gave my best smile to the young lady at the check-in counter who also gave her best smile only to say, “Your flight will be an hour late, Sir.” My smile disappeared immediately. I moved to another counter to get an earlier flight. The man wrote down my name on the waiting list and said, “Please come back in half an hour, Sir” Later on I nervously stood in front of the counter, hoping against all hopes. Finally the verdict was announced, “No seat for you, Sir. This flight is already full.” I angrily moved to the previous counter, got my boarding pass, and waited with other angry passengers. [Well, I was lucky to have friends who in the meantime picked me up, treated me at a good Chinese restaurant, and dropped me back at the airport].

Looking back at how desperate I was to get a seat with the earlier flight, I can’t help asking, “I had my ticket confirmed, but why did I still fight for my fortune with an earlier flight, knowing that my chance was actually close to zero?” I did it because I wanted to beat the airplane company! Yes, we do funny and silly things when we face the probability of a long wait. It is even funnier if I compare it with my spiritual life. There I do exactly the opposite. No need to rush to become a better person! If possible, get the very last flight with many possible delays! The longer the delay, the more I feel secure.

The Israelites kept delaying themselves by continuously breaking the covenant with God. Surprisingly, God responded by making a new covenant with them and writing the Law in their hearts! No more explanations needed. When our hearts are deeply touched, we don’t even have the slightest idea of delaying. Since we don’t do it naturally, Jesus had to do the first move. He didn’t delay, knowing perfectly that a grain of wheat had to fall and die in order to live and to be life-giving. A delay would mean death for many people. If options are still open for you, choose the earlier flight, even the first one when it is still dark! Ironically, in spiritual life, we do funny and silly things for fear of being so early with God!

Poor Cab Driver

2009-04-02T00:07:00.000+07:00

“Poor Cab Driver”
Lent 2009 – Day 28 (Mar 28)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I took a cab to rush to the airport earlier this morning. Well, nothing new, just getting late, again! [Guess what? As if just for a change, the flight has just been delayed! I’m typing this at the airport]. Once I hopped in, the cab driver told me about the nightmare he had just had. He had the night shift, and since 3 a.m. I was his first passenger! The radio communication didn’t work at all. A computer error disrupted the whole system. Usually by the time I hopped in, he had had four or five trips in between.

[I had to stop typing. You know why the flight was delayed? The co-pilot came late due to some ground transportation problems. Whatever that was, I had to board the airplane, and since then, five days have passed]. What a symbolic picture of my relationship with God. As with the operator from the central office, God has always been busy to contact me. I have been busy waiting to listen to God’s voice. Strangely, God can’t reach me, and I can’t hear the voice. So here I am, wandering with no clear sense of where to go and what to do, and none the less, blaming God, the operator at the central office, for not giving me clear orders!

Among many other computer errors in my communication with God, I can see one: I’m so sure that I already know so much about God! Jesus found the same problem in his opponents. They knew so much about how the Messiah was supposed to be, and unconsciously kept filtering Jesus with what they knew. Jesus who knew a lot better was treated like an ignorant lamb being led to the slaughter-house! What an irony! Yes, I am in fact that poor cab driver. Instead of blaming God, I need to fix my heart’s computer, by humbly saying: “Jesus, here I am, I don’t want to filter you with my knowledge. Help me to let you love me deeply.”

Corneal Infection

2009-03-26T22:41:00.000+07:00

“Corneal Infection”
Lent 2009 – Day 27 (Mar 27)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

It was summer 1993, my first summer in Europe. After my first year in Rome I spent the first weeks of my summer vacation in The Hague in Holland. My mom, who at that time was still active in her garment business, came with my sister to participate in a fashion show. After some days with all the good-looking models, I began to feel something odd with my eyes. [Please, don’t think it was simply a matter of cause and effect!]. Everything collapsed when I learned that it was a corneal infection. I made every body go into troubles, from ophthalmologist visit to health insurance. Even worse, my eyes became so sensitive to light. I really hated any kind of light and preferred staying in the dark with my eyes tightly shut. Even a gentle ray of morning sunlight felt like a super bright spot light directed right on my eyes! A cloudy or even rainy day was perfect!

The problem was not with the light, but with my eyes. What was actually normal and pleasant became so threatening and burdensome. Jesus moved on with His mission from the Father. People began to be more irritated by the light He offered and tried everything possible to get away from it. Instead of curing the “eyes,” they made plot to eliminate the “light.” Yes, when with God’s grace I make some improvements in my spiritual life, even the gentle ray of that initial goodness in me may appear as a disturbing light for others. This, as Saint Ignatius of Loyola suggests, is typical of how the good spirit will be hindered by the evil spirit. When you are getting better, you will hear voice within you that convinces you that it is useless. Yes, you may even be convinced and say, “I’m a sinner. There is no way I can be better. Why still give it a try? Why fight if I will lose?”

When you are good and people around you like you, it is called encouragement, and it makes you “feel good.” When you are good and people around you hate you, it is called “the cross,” and it makes you “really good,” although you feel awful. Yes, when they hate you like this, be sure, the problem is not with the light in you, but with the eyes in them! Your cross makes them feel the serious corneal infection in their spiritual sight.

Kitchen Witness

2009-03-26T21:19:00.000+07:00

“Kitchen Witness”
Lent 2009 – Day 26 (Mar 26)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

When I was a student in Berkeley some years ago, I lived with other Jesuits on their way to priesthood, and we took turn in cooking our evening meals. Our agreement was simple: “When you cook, use whatever you need, try to clean up as you cook, others will do the rest after meal, and you are free to relax!” Fair enough. There was one in particular who always used almost everything and left piles of dirty kitchen wares. On the day he cooked, cleaning up after meal seemed to take forever! Seeing those piles, we could say without doubt “He was here!”

I often channeled my urge for order to the drawer where we kept the silver wares. Every now and then I would arrange spoons, forks, and knives into a perfect lining! When someone opened the drawer afterwards, he could say “Deshi was here!” This is true with others. When I found the mixer had been used and nicely washed I knew who had just made his favorite brownies. When I found raw ox-tails on the kitchen counter, I knew exactly who had just been there. Yes, what we did in and to the kitchen witnessed about who we were! That’s an unbeatable kitchen witness!

When the Israelites are leaving Egypt, they say “God is here!” Soon afterwards, having no clue about Moses’ where-about, they say “God is gone!” Jesus’ opponents demand a clear explanation, but Jesus’ works clearly witness about who He really was. Moses reminds God to be merciful and forgiving. Jesus shows who God is by being merciful and forgiving. When we know about God, but we don’t experience God’s mercy and forgiveness, not surprisingly, our deeds will never witness about God.

If things are messed up, I hope that no one will say “Deshi was here.” If they do, my deeds clearly lack for mercy and forgiveness. It’s no witness to God! Our Berkeley kitchen knows better how to witness!

Defocused

2009-03-24T22:35:00.000+07:00

“Defocused”
Lent 2009 – Day 25 (Mar 25) “Annunciation”

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

It’s hard to make a good group photo in these days of digital cameras. With five cameras trying to make a perfect picture of twenty people, for example, the result will probably be a picture of twenty people looking at five different directions. If you have asked someone to use your camera and do the shot for you, there is a higher probability that you will stare with your best smile at your own camera! The problem of focusing used to be that of the camera lens or of the photographer. Now, being defocused is mostly the problem with the people themselves.

Our world is so defocused. We are so defocused. I’m so defocused. Inevitably, my vision gets blurred and blurred. But surprisingly, it can suddenly get so focused when it has something to do with me. Who cares about other cameras? I want to look perfect in the picture from my own camera. After all, I can crop it and toss away other faces! So the question is: how do I want to be focused? Being defocused is just therefore a modern term for the centuries old self-centeredness or selfishness. I can remember perfectly, even as I’m typing this, how my being defocused has made me miss great opportunities to love and serve others.

Amidst our defocused lives, one day in the history of humanity, God came to a young woman from Nazareth. God is focused to Mary, since she is focused to God. Feast of Annunciation is a feast of this mutual focusing. It’s the feast when God as the best photographer comes to our group with the best camera and says, “Keep your cameras. Look at My camera! I guarantee you an award-winning picture of the year!” Yes, when we are all focused to God, we become indeed a perfect photo. Feast of Annunciation invites us to stare with our best smiles as one single group of humanity and together say “Cheers….!”

I Wish

2009-03-23T22:09:00.000+07:00

“I Wish”
Lent 2009 – Day 24 (Mar 24)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

When I experienced my first life-changing conversion as a teenager many years ago the only thing I wished was to be a holy man! It seemed that I was already in front of the pearl gate to holiness. How wrong I was!

I wish to deliver powerful words as Jesus did to the paralyzed man at the Sheep Pool in Jerusalem, “Get up, pick up your mat, and walk!” What makes Jesus’ words so powerful? Very simple! In Jesus there is no contradiction whatsoever. That’s obviously not my case. I can’t even count exactly the contradictions in me. So many!

I wish to flow like the water from the Temple that creates lives wherever it goes. That too is not my case. My words, my deeds, my attitudes, my choices, even my feelings, sometimes even kill the good seeds that God has planted around me. Feeling sorry always comes late. It always comes after the damage has been done. So many!

The water that used to be salty is in the process of becoming fresh. The paralyzed man who has just been healed is still limping and needs to learn how to walk straight. That not-yet-fresh water, that limping man, is me.

To all of you who have been wounded by my contradictions, I deeply apologize. Your ceaseless forgiveness gives me hope to keep striving for holiness. Spiritually I’m just a limping man who makes his best efforts to help others walk better. I want to be hope for others by limping graciously, and I thank you for letting me do just that.

When the Bamboo Broke

2009-03-23T12:22:00.000+07:00

“When the Bamboo Broke”
Lent 2009 – Day 23 (Mar 23)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I warn you, this is embarrassing and disgusting! It was early 70’s and I was just a little kid. We lived in the suburbs of Jakarta. Vast rice fields and ponds were still found at the back of our house. It was customary that people would go to those ponds whenever the nature called. Yes, we had those “toilets” over the ponds. One day, as I was squatting and “doing it,” the bamboo underneath my feet broke and I fell directly to the water full of the dirty “waste” that my body had just released. I was literally in the midst of human “waste,” mine and everybody else’s. The next thing I knew, I was already at the well. My body was literally covered with human waste and our house maid was washing me through. She had bravely jumped into the disgusting water to save my life! Even today I can still hear the crispy laughter we both shared at that well. I’m forever grateful to her.

That is what God has been doing for me. Every time I sin, I spiritually jump into my own dirty waste, and God will immediately jump to save me. What a great God! This is basically the pattern that is repeated on and on throughout the Scriptures. Not only that. God even promises to create new heavens and new earth for us! Even more! God will exult in us! We are invited to share that crispy laughter as God washes us through! Think about this. God will rejoice over you, no matter how messy your life is now. God wants to heal you, and wants you to believe.

Even if there seems to be no sign that our lives are getting better (since we find ourselves repeating just the same sins again and again), God wants us to believe that we are not alone sinking in that disgusting water. God is there with us. All we need to do is letting God grab us and pull us out! Once we are out, we will also see that God mends and replaces the broken bamboo! God will smile and say, “Be careful! But be sure, even if you fall again, I’ll rescue you!”

Turn It Off!

2009-03-22T10:48:00.000+07:00

“Turn It Off!”
Lent 2009 – Fourth Sunday Year B (Mar 22)

You go to a medical check-up. All the reports clearly show that you have a serious but curable illness. The doctor instead tells you that there is nothing wrong, and simply says, “You are burnt-out. Take some rest!” You are happy with this, and you convince yourself that you’re really fine. Another doctor who is your best friend reads those reports, and honestly tells you, “You are seriously ill, and you must go for treatments if you want to be cured.” You have two options. First, you go to the first doctor, scold him for being a liar, sue him, and bring him to the court. Second, you are mad at your best friend, accuse him for making it up, cut off your friendship, and hold on to the false diagnosis from the first doctor. Here actually you have two big questions: “Do you want to accept the fact that you are ill?” and “Do you want to accept the sincere love of your best friend?”

That is another modern version of my relationship with God. Scriptures clearly show us that God never ceases to tell each one of us, “You are seriously ill, but with Me it is curable!” You can count the number of prophets whom God has sent. God knows that my life is so dark. So God comes as Light, but my sinful instinct says, “Turn it off!” (I even forget to add the polite word “please” at the end!). In fact, what I say is, “I’m fine. I’m not ill. I’m OK in the dark. I don’t need doctors. I don’t need light. Go away, God! You are making it up. You don’t really love me! If You keep telling me that I’m ill, I’ll go to another doctor, and I’ll never come back to You!” Wow, wow, wow…! Yes, this is our sinful instinct! We want God to say only the nice things that make us feel good.

One reminder that always makes the thick wall of my defense fall is: “Deshi, you are such a hypocrite!” You must be familiar with a specific phrase that is like an arrow being shot right to the very center of your heart. That harsh statement comes actually from God who simply wants to say, “I love you and I really care about you!” All I need to learn to say is, “Thank you doctor for telling me the truth. I’m ready for any necessary treatments,” or, “Thanks for the light. Keep it on!”

Winner or Looser?

2009-03-21T10:05:00.000+07:00

“Winner or Looser?”
Lent 2009 – Day 22 (Mar 21)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I was driving to give my evening lecture yesterday when I saw a tiny city car waiting to get in. I slowed down, let that car in, and felt good about it. However, as we were approaching the traffic light and I saw that it was green, my attitude changed. I began to be anxious, kept looking at the green light, and impatiently honked several times as I angrily said, “Come on lady, speed up!” That tiny car in front of me had just passed through, when the green light turned yellow, and immediately red. I stopped angrily. “This is what I got for being nice!” After that, when I saw a car waiting to get in, I sped up and honked aggressively. I did it twice. Hooray…! For a moment, there was a sense of victory. I lost the battle against one tiny car, but I won the battle against two bigger ones! This actually means: “I lost when I was good; I won when I was bad!”

The more I drive in this chaotic Jakarta, the more I realize that city streets can become a battlefield between “a looser” and “a winner.” However, the real battlefield is in my own heart. How I want to win the battle? By being and doing good, or by being and doing bad? The Pharisee believes that he is a winner, because he has done many good things. Another man, a tax collector, believes that he is a looser, because all that he has done were bad. Yet, in terms of honesty before God, the Pharisee is a looser, and the tax collector is a winner. How come? When I sin, I wound myself, but God will bandage my wounds. When I sin, I become a looser, but when I admit and confess my sins to God, I become a winner. Loosing and winning doesn’t depend simply on a list of bad or good deeds. It requires a personal heart-to-heart relationship with God.

Holiness is not just about avoiding what is bad, but also about doing what is good. Never buy the city street wisdom “When you are good, you are a looser; when you are bad, you are a winner.” Embrace the real truth: “When you are good, you might become a looser in the eyes of people around you, but you are a winner in the eyes of God!”

U-Turn

2009-03-20T10:55:00.000+07:00

“U-Turn”
Lent 2009 – Day 21 (Mar 20)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I had just left my house yesterday when I realized that I had forgotten something. The U-turn spot was just three minutes away. It would not take more than additional fifteen minutes to get the whole thing done. Yet I thought, “Making a U-turn now is a waste of time. I can get the stuffs later.” So I went home at lunch time, had a quick lunch, got the stuffs from my room, and hit the road again. The whole trip took more than an hour! As I was stuck in the terrible traffic jam, I said to myself, “I should have made the U-turn this morning. But why I didn’t do it?” Then I realized that I didn’t do it, because I knew that my Jesuit brothers were still in the dining room, and they would probably have made fun of my forgetfulness. I knew that I had to return, but I preferred to save my face!

We are strongly warned not to fall into idolatry, into worshipping others than God. I didn’t make the U-turn, because I wanted to hold fast on my own pride. By doing that, I made myself an idol. The danger of idolatry lies not out there, but in here. Conversion, or returning, or coming back, or making a U-turn to God, is not always appealing to our modern ears. It might be judged by others as a sign of weakness, of the defeat of the most important idol, namely, “I.” When we pray “Deliver us from evil,” it also means “Deliver us from our own pride! Deliver us from our own resistance to make a U-turn to You!” But many people say, “I’ll come back to God when I get older.” It actually means, “I want to be holy, but right now, my pride is a lot more precious!” How sad!

The greatest commandment is to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, strength. If we are focused on God, our pride will melt. That’s the power of love. When our pride is melted away, we can really love ourselves as God loves us, and in turn, we can love others as we love ourselves with the very love of God. Now we think that many more U-turns still lie ahead, while in fact there might be none. God knows.

Coffee is Brewing

2009-03-19T09:21:00.000+07:00

“Coffee is Brewing”
Lent 2009 – Day 20 (Mar 19)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Are you a coffee lover? There are two things that I find very unique in waiting for coffee. First, when the boiled water goes through the filter filled with coffee ground and begins to drip into the clear glass container, it creates a very unique noise. When I hear that noise my expectation grows. I can be sure that soon I will enjoy the coffee. Second, when the coffee is brewing, it sends a very unique odor. When I smell it, I know for sure that someone in the house is preparing coffee, and who knows, I can have some of it too! Now, what is more powerful, the noise or the odor? For me, it is the odor. I can be far from the kitchen, even on the second floor, that I can’t hear the noise from the coffee machine, but the odor can break through the wall and hit the senses in my nose. The odor can be very strong that I spontaneously sniff with tremendous joy.

In the Catholic tradition we have a Latin terminology “odor sanctitatis,” which literally means “odor of sanctity,” or “scent of holiness.” This refers to a certain odor that the body of a holy person emanates, either during his or her earthly life, or accompanying his or her dead body. Have you ever known a person whose life is so devoted to God, that whenever you meet her, or him, there is a tingling in your body that tells you that there is something beautiful with that person? I’m obviously not that kind of person (well, at least not yet). It’s striking that the language has never coined a terminology like “noise of sanctity.” Why? Simply it is because “odor” is a lot more powerful than “noise.” Try to drive people away with your voice, and try to drive them away with a very bad and disgusting smell. You don’t even need a single word in the second case!

Seen in this perspective, holiness walks hand in hand with silence and quietness, not with noise. There is no holy person who has no intense experience with the deep silence. Saint Joseph is one example. He never said a word in the Bible, but through the ages people can still sniff his “odor sanctitatis” with tremendous joy. If you want to gain a spiritual strength, aim for the odor, not the noise, of your personhood. They will know, that indeed within you, “coffee is brewing!”

Can You Hear Me?

2009-03-18T12:14:00.000+07:00

“Can You Hear Me?”
Lent 2009 – Day 19 (Mar 18)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I called my mom and dad on their mobile phone yesterday. For me their voices were clear, but they kept asking, “What? What?...” Finally dad said, “I can hardly hear you.” To which I reply, “Never mind. I’ll call you back later.” I came late to my office this morning. [Not a good example. Please don’t tell my boss]. I had to make some important calls. First call: the voice from the other end was clear, but the response I got was “Sorry, he is out of town.” Second call: it went through easily. Yet as I began to speak, the other began to tell me, “Your voice is not clear!” I was a bit frustrated, but thank God, between several “what’s”, I managed to deliver the message. Third call: better than the first two? The voice from the other end was so clear and crisp, but the only words I got were: “Hello? Hello?...” Then, as I was trying to raise my voice, he hanged up.

My relationship with God can be described as “Who calls? Who hears?” The Bible abounds with this image. God is experienced to be a very close God. It can even claim that no other nations have a God so near like ours. Yet for me, it is always frustrating when I call God in times of trouble, but God seems to be absent, distant, indifferent, and worst of all, deaf! There are times when I even ask God, “Can’t You hear me?” It means: “Hey God, You’re not doing your job!” I try to imagine how many times God has tried to call me. How many times I have replied, “Sorry, I can’t hear You!” Or, even worse, I just hanged up. Or, worst of all, I tell God, “I can’t really hear You! There must be something wrong with Your phone!”

I usually don’t like the term “laws.” Even the laws from God create a feeling of being controlled, observed, under surveillance. Yet if I think that the laws are those attempted phone calls from God, then things will appear different. The problem lies within me, with my inability, or my unwillingness to really stop, slow down, take a deep breath, and listen carefully. When I do this, there is no need for the frustrating “what’s” since God’s voice will become clear and crisp.

Fax Machine

2009-03-17T16:47:00.000+07:00

“Fax Machine”
Lent 2009 – Day 18 (Mar 17)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I had just finished typing a very urgent document to be immediately e-mailed when the least expected happened: the electricity was gone! Fortunately I had also printed a sample of that document. So I turned to my Blackberry, typed the whole thing as an e-mail message then sent it. After a while I checked the addressee only to get a reply: “Sorry Father, the e-mail has not gone through! Please re-send!” Fortunately the electricity was back, although the internet connection was still down. So as my last hope, I turned back to the fax machine. [Oh how much I fell in love again with that machine in these days of e-mail and Blackberry]. Done! Well, not really. A few hours later I got a phone call on my mobile phone: “Father, there is no e-mail, no news from you!” To me that sounded: “Father Deshi, you are being irresponsible.” I was a bit irritated when I learned a moment later that they had not checked their fax machine, although I had informed them through a text message. That very urgent document has been there for hours! What I thought to be a business done in time, turned out to be half an hour late.

A day like that sounds familiar to you too, I believe. That is one of those moments when I feel that everything goes against me! A few moments earlier everything seems to be perfect. Just a little something out of the plan can easily turn it to be horrible. OK, that fax story is over now. But as I look back, it dawns on me that it is just a mini version of my life. Imagine what God thinks of me: now I’m very good, a moment later I’m a terrible sinner. Sometimes the boundary between what is good and what is sinful is just a thin line. I am reminded to what St. Ignatius of Loyola taught about sin: “It creates disorder!” If God forgives me, it means: “God recreates order.” The same thing happens with other people around me. If I forgive them, I participate in God’s work: “I recreate order in their lives.” No wonder I’m asked to forgive seventy times seven. No limits! Why? Simply because it is about participating in God’s very act of recreating order.

Back to the lovely fax machine that saved my face today, isn’t it true with God’s forgiveness? It’s available for us, but we don’t realize that it’s there because we’re still too focused with the disorder. “God forgives you” says fax message sent to you. Your job is to walk to the fax machine and find the message and believe it. Let God recreate order in your life.

Horror Movie

2009-03-15T21:11:00.000+07:00

“Horror Movie”
Lent 2009 – Day 17 (Mar 16)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Had you come to my place at one o’clock A.M. during these past two days, you would have met three of our young Jesuits awake in front of the TV. To everybody’s surprise, these young men have suddenly become fascinated by horror movies! I’m not really a fan, but I can tell that a horror movie can be so attractive precisely because of its constant surprising uncertainty. The more uncertain you are drawn to be through the movie, the more exciting it is. Before long, you begin to think: “Wow! That was scary and unexpected, now give me something scarier!”

Welcome to one of human paradoxes! Facing real life, we want everything to be certain. We even lament when life becomes so uncertain. Strangely, we can be entertained and even relaxed by horror movies with all their uncertainties. Unconsciously we are often torn apart in our own expectations: “certainty” or “surprise”? Naaman, the commander-in-chief, has to learn about this. He needs to learn to accept that sometimes God’s ways are no surprise at all. Instead of being asked to wash himself in a beautiful river, he is asked to go to the Jordan River. Oh please…! No surprise? Too simple! Too certain! Give me something bigger and more uncertain!

Same thing happens to Jesus’ hometown’s people. They know Jesus too well. No uncertainty, no mystery, no hidden surprise about this man. Had Jesus lived in this age, He would have said: “No prophet is accepted and respected by his own friends on the Facebook! All these friends know his every ‘status.’ No more surprise!” When God becomes so simple and certain, we can even doubt: “Is this really God?” Yes, we may be off-track if we always apply the enjoyable uncertainty of a horror movie to God.

Nobly Destroyed

2009-03-14T23:18:00.000+07:00

“Nobly Destroyed”
Lent 2009 – Third Sunday Year B (Mar 15)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I’ve just come home from a wedding party of an old friend. Everybody was happy. Finally at the age of forty-three this dear friend of ours decided to settle down, get married, and start a new life. Some of us came with their wives and children. Looking again at old faces always thrills. Those faces represent different sets of choices they have made along the way, willingly or not. During those precious minutes together we were brought back to a distant past when we used to sleep in the same dormitory, eat the same food, drink the same water, and yet at the same time we were also silently marveled by the differences life has created on each one of us.

Life appears to be continuous alterations of “building” – “destroying” – “rebuilding.” It is painful to start building from ground zero up. It is more painful to accept the fact that what we have built has to be destroyed in order to be rebuilt anew. Each stage demands a decision. Though at times the forces out there feel so overwhelming, we have to make a decision on how to go through. God builds a relationship, a covenant, gives a set of norms to be obeyed. We destroy the relationship by doing precisely what is forbidden. God rebuilds. And the story goes on. The magnificent temple has been built over the years, but it turns out that it will be destroyed only to be rebuilt into a completely new and unimaginable one. Along these alterations, we learn how to make better choices.

That blood-stained wooden cross speaks loudly to the world about the high price to be paid so that our building of sins can be destroyed and a new building of virtues can be rebuilt. If I think that to be destroyed is painful, for God it is more painful to see my resistance to be destroyed. God sees a lot more the better building. I simply do not want to see it at all right now. This destruction can be very painful precisely because it is a noble destruction.

Wasting for Investing

2009-03-13T23:00:00.000+07:00

“Wasting for Investing”
Lent 2009 – Day 16 (Mar 14)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

“Waste your time, invest their trust!” This is a simple wisdom that I have made as a reminder for myself. I am blessed with so many young Jesuits around me. I am aware of my own limitation and woundedness as a human being. Yet at the same time I have been entrusted with these young and promising Jesuits under my care. This logic of “wasting for investing” at the same time also train me in the virtue of patiently waiting.

I wonder how much God has wasted time with me. I wonder how long God has been patiently waiting. I wonder how much trust God has seen developing in me. Any story of conversion is a story of how an investment begins to show the benefit. When a son who out of a sudden decides to run away from home we may think that he is completely lost. What will change the story is the amount of time that his father has wasted with him. It will take time before his son eventually realizes that he can completely trust his father. Then there will be an unstoppable power within his son to say: “I’m coming home, Dad!”

So, start with “wasting,” and you will see that you are actually “investing” something priceless, namely “trust.” In the meantime you learn how to do a good “waiting.” For God, the name for such “wasting” is “mercy,” the name for such “trust” is “conversion,” and the name for such "waiting" is "life." What a great God!

Placing the Puzzles

2009-03-13T22:53:00.000+07:00

“Placing the Puzzles”
Lent 2009 – Day 15 (Mar 13)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I am blessed with a caring elder brother and a loving younger sister. Yes, there is no perfect family. My mom and dad must have been working hard to make the three of us so closely knitted together. That’s why I always think that one of the saddest tragedies on this planet is the enmity, hatred, jealousy between siblings. I always cry deep in my heart whenever I hear how someone has managed not to speak to his or her sibling for years!

Of course there are times when I really wish that my brother or my sister were different. I have no doubt that there are also times for them when they really wish that I were different. Conflicts exist. Misunderstandings cannot be avoided. What makes us close to each other is that somehow we see each other as puzzles that have to be there to make the picture of each one of us complete. Suppose you have orderly placed 2,999 puzzles and you can’t find that missing puzzle. What an ache you feel within.

A more tragic irony is that when Jesus came to me as my brother, as the missing puzzle I actually need, I pretend not to see Him, not to need Him.

Attractive Dependency

2009-03-12T07:36:00.000+07:00

“Attractive Dependency”
Lent 2009 – Day 14 (Mar 12)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Believe it or not, a good number of people have asked me: “So, tell me honestly Father, what kind of woman do you find attractive?” I usually ask back: “And you are asking this to a celibate Roman Catholic priest?” However, for the sake of honesty, I then continue without hesitation: “A very independent woman.” Yes, I always admire an independent woman who shows an inner power that makes the world around her turn properly.

Ask a similar question to God: “God, what kind of person do You find attractive?” God will certainly say: “Any kind.” Then try to ask further: “Don’t You find an independent person more attractive?” At this, God will smile and say: “Not really. In fact, I often find a too independent person is more difficult to deal with.”

For us modern people, being dependent is not a quality we want to strive for. Yet before God, we do need to develop “a right sense of dependency.” A tree planted near a river will be fruitful since it has the right amount of water it is dependent to; not too little, not too much, just right! The poor man Lazarus is so dependent to others, and this helps him to be dependent to God. On the contrary, the rich man is severely punished not because he is rich, but because his being rich makes him lose any sense of dependency to God.

An independent person who has a right sense of dependency to God will in fact be a much more attractive person. Your sacred, healthy, and balanced dependency to God is a quality this world is badly longing to find.

Treat Yourself

2009-03-11T07:10:00.000+07:00

“Treat Yourself”
Lent 2009 – Day 13 (Mar 11)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

We are called to be happy; we are not called to make everybody happy. The good we do will always create division: some will be happy, some will be mad at us; some will love us, and some will hate us. When we do what is really good, people will have to choose how to react to such goodness. The challenge for us: we don’t always see the end result immediately. We might feel betrayed if the immediate result is the hatred of others that make us feel really down and unhappy.

If you keep doing what is good, those who hate this goodness will eventually try to trap you by using your goodness. Some people are just too scared to do good because her or his goodness might eventually kill her or him. If you want to be happy, drink the cup of bitterness, hatred, envy, not because you are a masochist, but because this is the good thing to do. It is good simply because this is the same cup that Jesus drinks. The time will come, when you will sit with Jesus in heaven and drink the best drink. [I wonder whether in heaven they will provide the best Cabernet Sauvignon. Well…that’s my favorite wine].

We need to learn to choose to be happy by doing always and only “what is good,” not by doing always and only “what makes people happy.” Treat yourself always and only with the “true happiness,” by doing always and only “what is good.”

An Active Business

2009-03-09T23:40:00.000+07:00

“An Active Business”
Lent 2009 – Day 12 (Mar 10)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I’m afraid that if Jesus were preaching today, He would give this warning to His disciples: “Listen to what Father Deshi says, do what he tells you, but don’t ever do what he does!” Yes, preaching is one thing, practicing what I preach is another. In fact, for me as a priest, preaching the Good News is more enjoyable than practicing it in my own life. You’d better hope that Jesus wouldn’t say this to your kids: “Listen to what your parents say, do what they tell you, but be sure, don’t do what they do”?

There is a responsible question to ask every night before falling asleep: “How much of my preaching have I myself practiced?” In my case, at times I have become too passive in my conversion. The Good News that says “though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow” always comforts me. Yet, I pretend not to look at the other side of the coin: “Stop doing evil, learn to do good…!” I want to passively get God’s love for myself, but I don’t want to actively show it to others.

Unexpected thing that happens – like when your Dad was rushed to the emergency room – may serve as a reminder: “Do what you teach…learn to do good…” Actually I’m not always aware of such soft whisper from God. Conversion is also an active business.

Forgiveness-Addict

2009-03-09T09:32:00.000+07:00

“Forgiveness-Addict”
Lent 2009 – Day 11 (Mar 9)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

The English word “addiction” comes from Latin “addicere,” which is a combination of “ad” (to) and “dicere” (say). Literally, it means “to say to (something),” or more precisely “to say yes to (something).” Hence, an addict is nonetheless “a devotee.” If you are addicted, you are “devoted” in the very meaning of the word. Yet, if initially “addicere” points to your freedom to say yes, today it points to your lack thereof. It means just the opposite. When you are addicted, you are dependant, chained, enslaved, not free!

Someone says that if we want to change the world, we can begin by bringing back the original meaning to every word. If this is true, I can proudly say “I am a forgiveness-addict.” It works both ways. I realize that I’m really dependant on God’s forgiveness as well as others’. I can’t live without forgiveness. The moment God or others stop to supply me with forgiveness, I certainly die. Yet, at the same time, I have to renew my choice everyday that I want to devote myself to be forgiven and to forgive.

Forgiveness is the life-giving blood of the covenant between God and me, a covenant between a faithful God and an unfaithful me. Should I measure up others or myself, that measurement is forgiveness. If I am a real forgiveness-addict, I’m on the right track to be set free.

A Twist in the Plot

2009-03-08T22:22:00.000+07:00

“A Twist in the Plot”
Lent 2009 – Second Sunday Year B (Mar 8)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

What is a bad movie? It’s when you can tell right from the beginning how the movie will end, and you’re right. What is a good movie? It’s when you keep guessing how the movie will end, and you only know the answer when the movie ends. What is a very good movie? It’s when you’re sure about the end, but toward the end there’s a twist in the plot, and you are totally surprised by the completely unexpected end. If life or faith life is a movie, it is indeed a very good one.

Abraham has to go through such a twist in his faith life when out of the blue God asks him to sacrifice his only and beloved son, Isaac. The disciples on the mountain are so sure about how Jesus’ life story is all about. Jesus reminds them not to be so. A lot needs to unveil. The disciples will only know Jesus on another mountain. This one is called Golgotha! Yes, if you really want to know Jesus, wait till you are shocked by the twist in the end.

Blessed Mother of Calcutta is known to have said: “If you want to make God laugh, tell God your plans!” Then after God is done with the laughter, God will tell you: “My child, wait until the twist in your life story.” Lent is a wonderful time to train our faith to be ready for any twists. Jesus is the unexpected twist in the history of the whole humanity. It is precisely this twist that makes it “a very good movie” of all ages.

Be a True Perfectionist!

2009-03-07T11:07:00.000+07:00

“Be a True Perfectionist!”
Lent 2009 – Day 10 (Mar 7)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I used to be a perfectionist, even a hard-liner of the sort. As a teenager I didn’t go to sleep before making sure that everything was perfect. I would literally go around the house and check everything. Pictures on the wall, cushions on the sofas, rugs beneath tables, photo frames, and everything else, you name it (I even checked whether the Crucifix was still straightly hanging on the wall!). Thanks to my dear and only sister who always warned me, now I have become a very mild perfectionist. I mean, I’m no longer dominated by that impulse for perfection in everything, but I can determine when, where, and how I want to be perfect. (No wonder I can be comfortable now with the clutter on my desk).

Jesus says: “Be perfect as your Father in heaven!” What’s the deal with this Father? This is so obvious: this Father gives the sun and the rain for the good and the bad! For this Father, to be perfect means to embrace everyone. A true perfectionist therefore is not self-centered, but others-centered. If the Father is an all-embracing perfectionist, how is Jesus, the Son? Jesus not only asks us to love our loved ones and our enemies. The day will come when Jesus says: “This is my Body, my Blood,…for you and FOR ALL.” In other words, Jesus says: “What I give will embrace everyone.” As His Father, Jesus is an all-embracing perfectionist.

Do you want to be perfect? Do you really want to be faithful to God’s commands and ordinances? If you do, be sure, there is a school of perfection, offered to you, free of charge. That school is called “the Eucharist,” “the Holy Mass.” That is the privileged training camp for us to learn to embrace everyone, the good and the bad.

God as Band-Aid

2009-03-06T06:55:00.000+07:00

“God as Band-Aid”
Lent 2009 – Day 9 (Mar 6)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Who wants my conversion? Humanly speaking, I don’t. The only one who really wants my conversion is God. I’m just too comfortable with the way I have been hiding my sins. I’m fine with this and I’ve been smart enough in doing all this hiding. Sinning is serious, but hiding my sins is even more serious. Like Adam and Eve in the Garden. If the first sin is eating the fruit of knowledge about good and evil as a sin of doubting the gift from God, the second and more serious sin is hiding before God. After sin, Adam and Eve really learned how not to treat God as God the all-knowing.

Do you know “Band-Aid”? We use it when we accidentally cut ourselves. We use it to cover the cut, and wait till the cut is healed. After that, I simply peel the “Band-Aid” off and discard it. The dried blood stain on it will also be thrown away. That’s how I treat God at times, no more than just a “Band-Aid.” I use God when I need, and discard God when I’m healed. The sign of my wound symbolized by the dried blood stain will go away when I discard God on a trash, and never want to see it again. No one wants to put a used “Band-Aid” in a nice frame and hang it in his or her living room!

Convincing myself for a long time that everything is fine will drain up all my inner resources. In the process, God becomes a mere object. The good news is: for God, no matter what, I’m God’s precious child. God will just wait. How much longer do I want to make God wait?

Learning to Drive

2009-03-04T22:17:00.000+07:00

“Learning to Drive”
Lent 2009 – Day 8 (Mar 5)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Remember the first day you learned to drive a car? For me, the first skill I had to learn was how to coordinate my both legs (the left leg for the clutch pedal [you don’t have this, if you drive a “matic”]; the right leg for the brake pedal and the accelerator pedal), with my both hands (the left hand for the gearshift stick; the right for the steering wheel). Well, I know, actually, there is a lot more that my legs and hands need to learn to do. However, to put it simply, for me the secret of a good driving is to know “the right move, on the right time, with the right push.” You can feel the impact in the whole car if one of these three aspects is not “right.” When you are comfortable with this, the only thing left is to determine how much push you give on the accelerator pedal (this, I admit, is where I’m very weak; those who know me always tease me: “It will take forever to get there if you drive.” Oh well, I take it as a compliment, though).

Somehow I began to think that praying or making petitions to God is like learning to drive. After all these years journeying with God, I still need to learn about “the right move, on the right time, with the right push.” There are opposite extremes taught by spiritual teachers (or by those who believe to be so). Some teach that we need to insist boldly what we want from God. If necessary, so they teach, tell God every single detail in your petition. This is not for God, since God is all-knowing, but for us, to help us realize how dependent we are to God. Others teach just the opposite. They teach that we don’t even ask for anything at all. Just trust God who already knows everything about us. The former position is criticized as being too picky towards God, or even too pretentious. The latter is criticized as being too lame toward God, or even too ignorant about our own needs. Therefore it is not always crystal clear what to say when people ask me about this. However, I’m tempted to say: “Just think about driving.”

There are times when I need to be slow, but there are also times when I need to be a bit faster. No manual can tell me exactly when I need to shift the gear. No manual can tell everything on how and when to brake. The basic principle rings true: “the right move, on the right time, with the right push.” Forgive me for using such a banal analogy for something so spiritual like making petitions to God. What I’m trying to say is simple. As in driving, each one of us needs to create a certain “bonding” with each car, so too with God. In other words, rather than finding an answer for every single case in praying, I’d rather listen to the dynamics of my own relationship with God. Either I insist “God, you must do this now!” or I trust “God, you know me, do whatever you want,” I do this because of my relationship with God. God is OK with either type of prayer.

Queen Esther has to face a big challenge, a life-threatening danger. So she insists: “Come to my help, for I am alone and have no one but you, Lord!” Jesus directs us on the same path: to ask, search, and knock. In other words, Jesus is telling me: “Deshi, whenever you need something from me, never hesitate to come to me. I will always answer!” Wow! What a guarantee! However, in case I might think that I am allowed to ask for anything whatsoever from God, and be given, Jesus gives a clear reminder. God the Father in heaven will always give what is “good.” So, I hear God telling me: “Deshi, here is the deal. Anytime you ask for what is good, search for what is good, knock for what is good, and when what you think to be good really conforms to what I think to be good, trust Me, I will always, always, always give it to you. The how or when is My business, not yours.” Either you insist, or simply not saying much, it doesn’t matter. What really matters is that conformity between you and God in terms of what is good. The “good” will determine what is “right” to do when I make petitions to God. Yes, “the right move, on the right time, with the right push.” The next time you drive, think about your prayer life. Happy praying!

Tiny Sign of Hope

2009-03-03T20:58:00.000+07:00

“Tiny Sign of Hope”
Lent 2009 – Day 7 (Mar 4)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Talking about the child within? Well, let me tell you this. Beside my pillow, there are Nemo and Dory. Yes, I sleep with fish! My favorite scene in the movie "Finding Nemo" is when Marlin is in a deep crisis and wants to give up, believing that he will never find back his son Nemo. Dory, the blue fish with short-term memory problem, tries her best (you can hear the funny voice of Ellen DeGeneres here). This is my favorite line said by Dory to the frustrated Marlin: “…And-and I look at you, and I... I'm home! Please. I don't want that to go away. I don't want to forget…” Without knowing, Dory has been able to overcome her short-term memory problem simply by being with Marlin. For me this is a beautiful scene that shows how imperfect persons can go beyond the barrier in each one of them simply by sharing the slightest hope that still remains. For Dory, this tiny sign of hope is that as long as Marlin is around, she can remember certain things!

Jonah is not a perfect prophet at all. He ran away the first time he heard God’s call. The beauty in this story is that God doesn’t give up on Jonah. God tries again, and this time Jonah obeys. Not only that. That fragile prophet simply gives a warning: “Folks, only forty days left!” To his surprise, those words turn out to be powerful. All have to repent! (I can’t help thinking of those poor animals that suddenly have to fast!). Imagine the life in the city of Nineveh during those fasting days. Those days are filled with little story-telling here and there. Those days become special because they simply hold on to the tiny sign of hope that still remains. “Who knows, if we repent, God will not condemn us,” so they think. They aren’t even sure about what God would do to them. Here we see something very beautiful. Something, I believe, that God did on purpose in order to teach Jonah. Here we see how repentance becomes the only hope of life. The choice between persisting in sin and repenting from sin becomes the choice between death and life.

In the time of Jesus, people around Him seem to have lost their ability to see such tiny sign of hope. Repentance has become, so to speak, a cheap business. In the free market of life out there, the call to repentance doesn’t sell easily. In a sense, that is the situation in which we live today. How often we dream of a spectacular experience of repentance? Only “if” I hear that famous preacher, I will be touched deeply to repent. Only “if” I see a miracle in my brother’s life, I will repent. Only “if” God can really erase poverty from the face of the earth, I will repent. Only “if” there is a dramatic improvement in the stock market, I will certainly repent. The list can go on and on. Just think about the many “ifs” in your life. Or, simply think of all the “ifs” you have told yourself during these first days of Lent. You don’t need any more signs. The very fact that you are alive is a sign from God that you are still granted enough time to repent. It is the tiny sign of hope to which you should cling: repent!

A Big YES

2009-03-03T00:16:00.001+07:00

“A Big YES”
Lent 2009 – Day 6 (Mar 3)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

One of my favorite photos of my childhood is the one showing my Dad and me. I had just accidentally bumped my head on a wall (you know, reckless kid). It hurt and I wept loudly. My Dad immediately ran to me, embraced me tightly, lifted me, and held me close to his chest. I was actually big enough to receive that unexpectedly special care. The photo tells a lot. I was weeping and shyly looked at the camera (please don’t laugh if you look at my forehead in that photo), while my Dad was smiling, looking at me, and pointing his finger to the camera. Every time I look at it, I can hear all kinds of encouraging words: It’s OK. Don’t worry. Take courage… Now in my forties, I believe that what my Dad did was simply showing his trust in me. He showed me that within my body as a boy, he already saw a man who can cope with any challenges in life.

God has trust in me. Through Isaiah, we hear that any words coming from God’s mouth will never fail to do God’s will. It’s so amazing. What a trust! First, there is trust in the power of God’s own words, but secondly, there is also trust in our human ability to receive those very words. Knowing how fragile we are, humanly speaking, God should never have any trusts whatsoever in us. That’s not the case with God I believe in. God trusts me, because God sees me as a good person, even if right now my life is in such a mess. Whenever I bumped my head on a wall because of my recklessness in life, God will just smile and invite me to look ahead. Yes, there is hope for me, because God has trust in me.

Jesus challenges his disciples. Many people believe that they should add more and more words in their prayers in order to make God hear. This is so humiliating for God. After all, God is the all-knowing. We sometimes do this because we don’t trust God. We have a serious doubt about God’s sincerity in loving us. To counter this we are taught not only to let God do whatever God wants. We pray “your will be done, on earth as in heaven.” By saying this, we beg that heaven and earth shall meet. What a bold prayer. To put it simply, I pray that God’s trust will embrace my distrust. So whenever I ask myself “Will I ever become a better person?” the answer is a big YES. And guess what? That big YES comes faster from God’s mouth than from ours. This is indeed good news for you and me.

Fighting Negligence

2009-03-01T21:36:00.000+07:00

"Fighting Negligence"
Lent 2009 – Day 5 (Mar 2)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

A very dear person whom I always cherish affectionately in my heart gave me a new rosary. But, there is more. She also gave me a small pocket to keep the rosary, and with her own hands she made on it simple embroidery of my initials T A D R. I was touched by her sincere care and love. From then on, the rosary inside the pocket has almost become inseparable “attire” together with my glasses, watch, wallet, keys, and handkerchief wherever I go. (Well, I should honestly confess, that the list should also include my two mobile phones!). I thought that I would keep it for the rest of my life, but I was wrong. On a road trip I lost the pocket.

I lost a very precious gift from a very precious person who had stamped her presence, care, and love on it. I know she was hurt, and I still feel an aching shame about it. However, she gave me right away a new pocket for my rosary. This time there is no embroidery, but knowing my tendency toward negligence, she had sewn a button to make it easier for me to keep the pocket safely closed. That experience taught me a great deal about the harmful effect of negligence.

Negligence, or omission, is not less serious than action. So we say at the beginning of Mass: “…in what I have done, and in what I have failed to do…” The final judgment in Matthew speaks precisely about negligence: “…in so far as you neglected to do this to one of the least of these, you neglected to do it to me…” If I can clearly tell how much pain I have inflicted on the person I love by my negligence, so much more is the pain we can inflict on Jesus by our negligence. Sin is not only about “the bad we commit,” but also “the good we omit.” In other words, if I know that I have to do what is good and necessary, but I don’t do it, I sin before God. I knew, and I wanted to keep the pocket, but when I fell asleep, I neglected what I should have done with the precious pocket. People in the Gospel know and want to do good to Jesus, but they neglect because they do not recognize Jesus in the poor and the outcast whom they meet daily.

If you are a mother and you know that you have to give your daughter a medicine, but due to a long conversation on the phone with your pal you forget to do it, you sin! If as a priest I know that I have to prepare my Sunday homily, but because I was absorbed in my favorite TV show and forget to do it, I definitely sin! A long phone conversation or watching your favorite movie in itself is not necessarily a sin. Your negligence to do what is good (here, to give medicine to your sick daughter or to prepare a Sunday homily) is certainly a sin. And on, and on, and on…you can name your own negligence.

There is more. When we neglect to do what is good, we neglect to do it to Jesus. My negligence hurts Him who has stamped her presences, care, and love in other persons we meet, no matter how their appearance is. In this case, negligence is a negligence to love. My lost rosary pocket, your sick daughter, your desk where you prepare your Sunday homily, and many simple things and persons around us, if we are attentive enough, cry aloud to remind us of our call to love. The conversion in this area is possible. It is offered right into your heart by Jesus during this Lent.

For any hurts and wounds caused by my negligence, I beg your forgiveness, and I pray God to do the healing.

Remain in Waiting

2009-02-28T21:27:00.000+07:00

“Remain in Waiting”
Lent 2009 – First Sunday Year B (Mar 1)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Years ago, when I was seventeen, I had to undergo a surgery for my sinusitis problem. The nurse came early that morning to my room in the hospital, and pushed my bed to the operation room. Well, not really. I was pushed into the “waiting room” which for me was so bone-chilling. I was lying on my bed, and another patient was there beside me, waiting for his turn. I waited, and waited, and waited. It felt like ages, and I became so scared of the surgery. I was already working out on a plan to safely sneak out when the nurse came and pushed my bed to the execution room.

Many years later, December 1996, I went to a small parish just on the skirts of Naples, Italy. Yes, it was my first Christmas ministry as priest. Even in Naples, for my tropical skin, it was freezing. My room was spacious, but with no heater! I sat on my bed, thinking seriously, and wondering about my decision. I was already planning on how to go back to Rome and forget everything about Christmas ministry, when there was a knock on my door. It was time for work. That Christmas vigil I spent hours cramped in the tiny confessional booth, and went back to my room, trying the best I could to make me warm, and fell asleep in despair.

Bone-chilling room, time of waiting, possibility of plan changes, these are the three elements in both incidents. In either case, I was tempted to run away from where I was. Yes, in waiting, I was tempted to run away to a safer place. Waiting in a bone-chilling temperature made me think of returning to my comfort zone. In a sense, for Jesus, those forty days in the desert were a period of waiting. As he was waiting for his public ministry, he was tempted. The Gospel of Mark does not recount the nature of the temptation that Jesus had. We only know that Jesus “remained in the desert for forty days, tempted by Satan.” This allows us to think that the temptation was simply “to cut it short.” The temptation might have come to Jesus’ mind in the form of question: “Should I wait longer?”

Looking at various moments in my life, I can see that this is one of the most brilliant strategies that Satan uses to make me fall. Satan always wants me to cut it short. Time for waiting can be a time for Satan to seduce us. Are you waiting for God’s answer to your prayer? Be very aware, as you wait, you may be seduced to cut it short, to no longer wait, to start executing your plan your own way. This is precisely what Satan wants us to do. Jesus knows this, and so He remained in the desert at all cost. The good news is: waiting in the desert always means to be among wild beasts, and yet always in the good company of the angels. When you are tempted to cut your waiting short, just look around, and you will see angels around you. Remain in waiting. This is what God has been doing. Since the flood in the time of Noah, God has decided to wait. Had God cut it short, you and I would not have lived now. We have to remain in waiting, because it is what God has been doing all this time for us. Time of waiting is time for God to prepare us for something big.

Unimaginable Change

2009-02-27T16:02:00.000+07:00

“Unimaginable Change”
Lent 2009 – Day 4 (Feb 28)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I love Harry Potter. Surprise, surprise! There have been times in my life when I really wished I had been given that magic wand. No, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t think of doing anything nasty against others. If I have that magic wand now, I will learn two basic commands: to clean up my room and to wash my car. After a long day of working, it would be heaven if with a right spell and movements with the wand, all the clutters on my desk will immediately put in order. In addition to this, it would be heaven to have my car always clean and shiny. (Oh by the way, on a side note, I consider my car as a “she,” and I named her “Naomi.” It is black and beautiful. Yes, you’re right it’s like a car version of Naomi Campbell. Please don’t tell my Superior or the Bishop about this). Especially in this rainy season, that magic wand is really in high demand. When I desperately try to find something hidden in the clutters on my desk, or when in the morning I walk to Naomi who sadly has become like the one who has just finished the Paris-Dakkar rally, I am brought back to earth. No, the truth is, I don’t have that magic wand. The truth is, I have to do something with the clutters on my desk. The reality is, I myself have to touch the mess!

Again, Lent is a joyful season. It’s joyful precisely because we are made aware (the more the better) of the messiness in our lives, and yet at the same time aware of the crystal clear promise from God. The prophet Isaiah invites us to look far ahead. If we engage ourselves to do good to others, “our light will rise in the darkness, and our shadows become like noon.” Amazing, isn’t it? Think about this. What you think as the darkest side of your life right now will turn to be the brightest. Your sins, with which you might have been wrestling (and may be you begin to loose hope for any signs of improvements), will be transformed to be blessings! What you have been trying to hide so far will be brought to light and thus be made light! I don’t know about you, but for me, this is indeed a great hope. Lent is a joyful time of the year. It is time for the unimaginable changes in our lives. The only condition is simple: let Jesus do it for you! Just lay back, relax, and watch Him working in your life, your family, those who have hurt you, and those whom you have hurt. Let Jesus’ hands touch the messiness in all that. Be aware of that Someone whose power is way beyond yours, even without that first class hand-made magic wand!

This is just how Jesus works. I would even say, this is His most favorite job. There is nothing else that would excite Him, than making great and unimaginable changes in people’s lives. If you still doubt, look at Levi, a notorious tax-collector. That man, probably with a very negative self-image from the stigma given him by society, didn’t have a slight idea when he got up from his sleep earlier that day. All he knew was that a young man with beard came to him and said: “Follow me!” At the end of that day, he realized that he had been transformed. Amazing, isn’t it? I know, I keep saying “amazing” not to persuade you into this seemingly journey of transformation. I’m doing it for myself, since I have to admit, I do need God’s grace to be amazed by the possibility of the unimaginable changes for me. The ruins in my life, the messy, dark, greasy parts in my life history, the choking dust under the rug of my hypocrisy, and all that, “will rise in the darkness, and become like noon.” Yes, it is the unimaginable change I want to believe during Lent. If you are not convinced yet, at least, pray for me for that courage to believe. I know I am sick and badly need a doctor. I know that Jesus is approaching with smile and eagerness to whisper softly in the depth of my heart: “Follow me!” I know these words will not only heal me, but also those I have hurt along the way.

Fasting for Somebody

2009-02-27T00:03:00.000+07:00

“Fasting for Somebody”
Lent 2009 – Day 3 (Feb 27)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I live with young Jesuit scholastics preparing for priesthood. Paraphrasing a popular song in Indonesia, one can say “Jesuits are human too.” For me personally, this time of Lent is always interesting. Somehow, interesting things always happen around the beginning of Lent. This year is no exception. It is said that on Ash Wednesday, one should fast. And so it is. But if you come to our house on Ash Wednesday (and I bet that this is true in any religious houses where the superior is not so strict with the younger members), you will be surprised that some of us are still awake until late. As the clock ticks close to midnight, some would gather in our dining room. One after another, they would look inside the fridge with brighter eyes. When finally it is 00:00, you can guess what happens. Yes, they suddenly become so fast in…putting some “forbidden” food into their mouth. Ash Wednesday is over, and so legally at midnight, the rule of fasting automatically ceases. I am always marveled by this: because of fasting, during the day they become so so so slow, but at midnight they suddenly become so so so fast. I wonder if I am allowed to call this “the miracle of fasting the Catholic way.”

Hearing the strong criticism through the prophet Isaiah today, we learn that the people of Israel were also wrestling with the true meaning of fasting. Two things appear. First, their fasting is a “bribe” for God. They thought that their fasting turned out to be useless, since God had not noticed it. Second, their fasting is all about “what is not.” Fasting was understood as “non-action.” If usually they eat, then when they fast, the just don’t eat. Simple and clear; no strings attached, no grey area.

In response to this, God is very clear. God does not need our bribe to be kind. God is kind and merciful, because God is love, always, all the time. The problem is not with God, but with us. It is us who are not always willing and ready to let God be God. The problem lies not out there, but within. Fasting is not our way to convince God to do what we want. It is the other way around. Fasting is our way to convince ourselves (of course, always with God’s grace) to conform what we want to what God wants. So, again, fasting is our way of letting God be God, and us be us. Simple and clear; no strings attached, no grey area.

Not so much about “non-action,” fasting is about “action.” If we fast, but we don’t love our neighbors, or at least have a slight desire to love them, our fasting is meaningless. Jesus brings this point further and much more challenging. Fasting is not “saying no to something,” but “saying yes to SOMEONE.” Jesus is the Bridegroom, and we are His close friends. Fasting is not so much about “refraining ourselves from something that we like” (such as food), but “reaffirming ourselves TO SOMEONE whom we love.” Therefore, true fasting is meaningless without at least a tiny bit of motivation to do this for our personal relationship with Jesus. Fasting is always relational. Fasting is a celebration of our personhood, since there is this Jesus who is God, yet is willing to share our human personhood. So, stop confounding yourselves with questions like whether cheese, milk, or egg should be considered “meat” (since they are animal products). Start looking at Jesus. He is the real reason for our fasting.

Season of Life

2009-02-26T10:20:00.000+07:00

"Season of Life"
Lent 2009 – Day 2 (Feb 26)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

If you look around, it is easy to understand that human beings will do everything possible to stay alive. Achievements in medical treatments, for example, have indeed been successful to avoid many possible deaths. Take any example of health problem, and imagine what would have happened if this problem had occurred years ago. What inevitably led people to die in the past has become “an easy case” for today’s physician. Yes, today, we know a lot more about avoiding death.

Unfortunately, this is not automatically the case with another kind of death: a spiritual death. When the people of Israel were about to enter the Promised Land, they were strongly reminded by their leader, Moses, to choose life, not death. In the Hebrew mind of the time, this death means both physical and spiritual. It is physical, because it can literally entail life-threatening dangers, such as wars or plagues. Yet, it is also (and more importantly) spiritual. Here death means being cut off from God, the true and the only source of life.

Here lies the difficulty with sin. When we sin, we are physically still alive. So what’s the big deal? If I know with my whole being that sin leads to death, I would avoid it at all cost. Yet, in my daily life, sinning does not really kill me. Even if last night you have been unfaithful to your spouse, there was no lightning that stroke you to death. You can still breathe and put on a nice mask when you meet your spouse at breakfast this morning. Our society is in need of sincere fear of spiritual death.

When you pretend as if everything is all right, you actually deny your very existence. You train your mind to live as someone else, not the real you. Continue to do this, and guess what happens? You are accustomed to feel and think that you are indeed that someone else. More poignantly, you train yourself to “not-really-exist.” In other words, you train yourself to live as a dead person. And indeed, you are dead spiritually. Any uneasiness you feel when you wake up in the morning is a clear indicator that something is not right. That is a sign of your spiritual death.

Jesus knows perfectly our inability to feel in our own flesh the spiritual death caused by our sins. For this reason, He will embrace that physical death for us so that we are spared from the terrible spiritual death. The Son of Man died physically for you and me. We don’t need to go that far because as of today all we need is to get in touch with our spiritual death.

Lent is indeed a joyful season, as the first Lent Eucharistic Preface loudly proclaims. It is joyful, because it is the season of gaining back our life, not only our spiritual life, but more importantly our divine life in Christ. Lent is a joyful season to train your mind to choose Christ so that you may live.

Touched by Love

2009-02-25T10:33:00.000+07:00

"Touched by Love"
Lent 2009; Day 1 – Ash Wednesday (Feb 25)

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I was standing in front of the check-out counter at the Graduate Theological Union library in Berkeley, California. A person next to me asked the librarian with a low voice: “What’s going on? I saw black marks on people’s foreheads.” Without hesitation the librarian replied, still with a low voice: “They are Catholics.” I just smiled, though my mind spoke: “Duh…what ignorance…where have you been all this time? And here we are in this so-called inter-denominational holy hill.” I did have sympathy for that person, but that incident keeps coming back in my memory every year on Ash Wednesday.

Yes, we are Catholics. Every year we make a bold statement to those around us with some “black marks” on our foreheads. Contrary to our normal and human tendency in any other days, we do not wipe and clean our foreheads. That “dirt” does not embarrass us. Not only that, it even makes us proud. It is the time of the year when we make a bold and public confession: “Yes, we are Catholics! Yes, I AM Roman Catholic!”

Dirt becomes our identity as Roman Catholics. It is a very deep symbolism that we will carry throughout Lent. The prophet Joel reminds us: “Rend your hearts, not your clothes!” In the Hebrew mind, the heart is the center of consciousness. Rending our hearts means breaking our own center of consciousness. It means that we loose control of our own likings. More precisely, we let go of our own grips on our likings of sins. If sin is dirty, when we let some dirt be placed on our foreheads, we actually say to God: “I no longer hide my sins. Here it is. Here they are.”

Yes, sin is dirty. Therefore what Jesus reminds us is very suggestive: “When you fast, don’t show off!” If your stomach feels the pains of being empty, don’t tell the whole world by the expression on your face. But why? Isn’t it the most natural way of being human? Exactly at this point we may miss the great teaching of Jesus. We pull out the dirt from our hearts and put it on our foreheads, because we make a decision that from now on the only ingredient in our hearts will be God’s love.

We make a bold and public confession by the black mark on our foreheads. However, the more important confession is somewhere hidden in our hearts. The dirt on our foreheads shouts to the whole world that our hearts have indeed been touched (again) by God’s love. For some, to be touched by God’s love is scary. It may end up being asked to let go of many things in life. Yet, for me, it is even scarier to have hearts devoid of God’s love.

Today, we are proud of what usually is considered an embarrassment: dirt on our face! Dirt speaks up loudly that we are reconciled with God. Dirt therefore points to that divine love, the only love that will satisfy all our longings. Yes, we are Catholics. Yes, we are touched again in this joyful season by God’s love.

Blessed Be!

2008-03-25T00:49:00.000+07:00

Blessed Be!
by Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

Blessed be the moment I was conceived
It was loving

Blessed be the date I was born
It was cheering

Blessed be the Church where I was baptized
It was welcoming

Blessed be the Mass of my first Communion
It was strengthening

Blessed be the booth of my first Confession
It was touching

Blessed be the day I was ordained
It was empowering

Blessed be the day I said my first Mass
It was humbling

Blessed be all the days of my life
Richly adorned with God's forgiveness

Jakarta, March 24, 2008
With thankful heart for the gift of Easter

My Homily on Easter Vigil 2008

2008-03-24T00:25:00.000+07:00

Here is my homily on the Easter Vigil Mass with the Jakarta Expatriate Community at St. Theresia's Church, Saturday March 22, 2008. I hope that this will continue to bless you!

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HOMILY ON EASTER VIGIL 2008

by Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

There are at least five brief sentences that the women in the Gospel hear: He is not here. He has risen. Go quickly! Tell his disciples! Return to Galilee!

Jesus is no longer in the tomb. What is a tomb? It’s a place of death, made of stone, cold, and dark. The tomb is the place of death. Sadly, our heart is sometimes also the place of death: hard as stone, cold, and dark. When do we find ourselves in that kind of tomb? What are the aspects of death that we modern people living in a big city like Jakarta might have experienced? I offer you four of them.

First, death is the lack of freedom. This can mean, death is our addiction, be it substance addiction, porn or sex addiction, internet addiction or game addiction, movie addiction, or any kind of addiction. When you are addicted you are not free. If Jesus destroys death, He also wants to bring any of you who have been struggling with your addiction out of the tomb. Today, Jesus is saying to you: I’m no longer in the tomb, and I don’t want you to stay in that tomb. Secondly, death is the lack of honesty. The good strategy of sin is that sin can convince you to pretend as if nothing happened. Your life may look fine, but deep in your heart you know that it is painful to continue that kind of life. Today, Jesus is saying to you: I’m no longer in the tomb. I want you to come out of the tomb, to bring your darkest side to light. Find a good spiritual friend with whom you can share, and who can sincerely pray with you and for you. Thirdly, death is the lack of forgiveness. When Jesus appears to his disciples, those whom He loves so much, but also those who abandoned Him, Jesus basically tells them: I forgive you. Some of you may think that by not forgiving others you punish them. The truth is, it is you who are being punished. It is you who suffer. If that is the kind of death you are bearing in your heart, today, Jesus is saying to you: I’m no longer in the tomb, and I don’t want you to stay there. Learn to forgive with my own forgiveness. Fourth, death is the rapid destruction of our environment. Soon enough, this city will be overloaded with garbage and wastes. This requires a radical change in our way of life, of spending, of using our natural resources. We are all in that kind of death and it can become worse. Today, Jesus is saying to us: I don’t want you to stay there. Do something with me to recreate this environment into a place of life again.

These are at least four areas from where we are invited to go out. Resurrection is a new beginning. But there is another dimension in it. If you read the stories of Jesus’ apparitions, you will find a continuous tension between recognizing and not recognizing Jesus. So the Eater faith is not a magical change like what Harry Potter can do with his wand. We may think that way. We wish that things were different. We wish that our past had been better. I wish my husband or my wife were more faithful. I wish my kids were better. I wish my pastors were better. Easter faith is not a magical change. By saying this, I don’t want to tone down this powerful event in the history of humanity. But learning from the relationship between Jesus and disciples, we would rather say that Easter faith is like embracing the uncertainty of life. Life is so uncertain. What is certain is that we are not alone (either we feel it or not). What is certain is that there is someone whose love exceeds any kinds of love that ever existed in the history, who walks with us. And He is Jesus the risen Lord.

But why return to Galilee? Matthew wants to show that it is a new beginning. They started their journey from Galilee. It is a place of those beautiful memories, a place of hope, a place of great expectations, a place of big dreams. What is your Galilee? It can be the place or the moment where you first met you husband or your wife, or your wedding day; it can be that day when your children were born, it can be the day you got promoted, it can be a retreat house where you had that life changing conversion; it can also be this Church, or this community. Find your own Galilee. Jesus is waiting to empower you even more from that Galilee.

We heard from the readings today. At the beginning was the creation. It is a master piece of God who puts order into the chaos. This same God decides to bring a people out of the bondage of slavery. This same God decides to renew the people by giving new heart, new spirit. And here we are. We have been baptized in the death of Jesus because we believe that through this kind of death we participate in His resurrection. Do you want to continue to live with that lifeless death in your addiction, your dishonesty, your unforgiving attitude, your disrespect toward environment, or do you want to come out from that tomb and learn to walk and embrace newly life’s uncertainty? It is a new beginning, because you do it with Jesus. It is new, because the biggest enemy, death, has been conquered. It is new, because He is alive. Let’s walk with Him as we continue to shout to the whole world: Christ is risen, Hallelujah! Amen.

My Article in KOMPAS

2008-03-23T10:31:00.000+07:00

Here is the link to my article that appeared in the National Newspaper KOMPAS (Saturday, March 22, 2008). It is in Indonesian, though. The title is "Kasih Seorang Sahabat" (that is, "Love of a Good Friend"). It's a brief meditation (for wide audience) on Easter. Blessings!

http://www.kompas.co.id/kompascetak/read.php?cnt=.xml.2008.03.22.0018348&channel=2&mn=158&idx=158

2008-03-14T07:48:00.000+07:00

Today and Tomorrow
by Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

God says...
I forgive you today
because I know
I will forgive you again tomorrow

We say...
I forgive you today
because I know
I will never forgive you again

How sad!

Jakarta, March 13, 2008

2008-03-12T09:14:00.000+07:00

Dear all,
Here are some thoughts on forgiveness.
Be blessed!

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Forgiven and Forgiving
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

It takes love to be forgiven
It takes lots of love to be forgiving

It is easy and enjoyable to say "God forgives me"
It is tough and painful to say "I forgive you"

To be forgiven is to live
To be forgiving is to die

Jakarta, March 11, 2008

2008-03-07T17:51:00.000+07:00

Dear all,
Here I am again. There are two changes in this new blog compared to the old one. First, the name itself. I now call it "You Are God, Not Us." It's the title of a little prayer-poem I wrote some days ago. I got up that morning and my heart was suddenly brought to God's forgiveness. By naming this new blog that way, I hope that God's forgiveness will always be a living reality for all of us. Secondly, people now know that "deshisj" is my trademark, so to speak. It is used in the address now. Besides, it's shorter, and I guess, more "user-friendly." Blessings to you all, as we wind down (at the same time up to Calvary) along this Lenten season. Here is the poem. May you be blessed through it...

You are God, Not Us
by Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

God, I thank You
That You are God, not us

Had You been us
You would have publicly defamed David
You would have erased his name forever
We would have never known of him
We would only have had glimpses
There was once a mighty king
Who lost all his chances
For walking on the rooftop on a breezy day
And for letting his eyes command his lust

God, I thank You
That You are God, not us

Now we can proudly declare
Jesus, Our Lord and Savior
Is from the line of that sinful king
And, we, proudly, can say
We take part in that grace
Poured down to us
Through that fallen king
Lustful, deceitful, murderous,
And because of that, so lovable

God, I thank You
That You are God, not us

Had You been us
There would have been no saints
Nor popes, nor bishops, nor priests
Nor preachers, nor ministers, nor leaders
There would have been no sacraments,
Nor the Church, nor us!
There would have been only
People pretending to be You
Forgetting who they really are

God, I thank You
That You are God, not us

For the Church of broken people...
Monday, March 03, 2008