“Learn to Grieve”
Lent 2010 – Day 26; Thursday, March 18.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I watched the movie “Closing Ring” the other day. Yes, it’s about a ring. But linked to the ring is the whole journey of a woman. For fifty years she has been refusing to grieve over the death of her husband, a gunner of a US Airforce whose airplane crashed in Belfast during the war. A boy found the ring and got it back to her. She eventually visited the site of the crash. It’s only then, for the first time in fifty years, that she cried.
Without planning, I’ve been absent from this blog for two days. My dream of offering a complete set of daily meditation for Lent was crushed. Yet deep in my heart I can hear a gentle calling from God to grieve. I need time to really grieve over my past and present sins, over my stupidity and recklessness, over my defensiveness, and most of all, over the pains and hurts I have inflicted upon so many people, men and women.
God asks me to learn to really grieve. Once I learn to touch and embrace the pains, God’s healing power will flow to me, and in its turn, through me to others.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
At Four AM
“At Four AM”
Lent 2010 – Day 23; Monday, March 15.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I was awaken at 4 AM this morning by a text message: “I’ve arrived. Please open the door.” Without thinking twice I sprang out of my bed. I was expecting a good friend of mine, a Jesuit priest from another city. With half-closed eyes I managed to open the gate, but no one was there. I gave him a call, only to hear a calm voice: “I mean, I’ve arrived in the city, and I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”
Those 15 minutes became very precious. I could have had an extra 15 minutes of sleep. But I didn’t dare to put myself in back in bed. Instead, I got ready. Why? Even if he had stolen my precious 15 minutes of extra sleep, I didn’t want to make him wait. If I can be so determined not to let my friend wait, why on earth have I been making Jesus wait so long? Deep in my heart I still feel that echo of the threatening God.
Letting myself enter into God’s heart is a risky business. And letting God enter into my heart is dangerous. But isn’t it the danger that I actually have been longing for?
Lent 2010 – Day 23; Monday, March 15.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I was awaken at 4 AM this morning by a text message: “I’ve arrived. Please open the door.” Without thinking twice I sprang out of my bed. I was expecting a good friend of mine, a Jesuit priest from another city. With half-closed eyes I managed to open the gate, but no one was there. I gave him a call, only to hear a calm voice: “I mean, I’ve arrived in the city, and I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”
Those 15 minutes became very precious. I could have had an extra 15 minutes of sleep. But I didn’t dare to put myself in back in bed. Instead, I got ready. Why? Even if he had stolen my precious 15 minutes of extra sleep, I didn’t want to make him wait. If I can be so determined not to let my friend wait, why on earth have I been making Jesus wait so long? Deep in my heart I still feel that echo of the threatening God.
Letting myself enter into God’s heart is a risky business. And letting God enter into my heart is dangerous. But isn’t it the danger that I actually have been longing for?
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Misplaced Wallet
“Misplaced Wallet”
Lent 2010 – Day 22b; Sunday, March 14.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I just returned from leading an over-night recollection for a group of laypeople. I quickly packed my things, since I didn’t want to be caught in traffic. Once everything was done, I realized that I couldn’t find my wallet. I searched inside my bags, even under the bed and pillows, and under my car seat. Then a horrible thought: “Has it been stolen?” I decided to take all my clothes out of my backpack, and voila!
What a relief! It was my fault. Yet my first reaction was to put the blame on someone else. I knew there was a deep anger. This sounds so familiar. It became clear to me, that I don’t always want to claim full responsibility for the pain of sin. While I can admit that I have made mistakes, there have been times when I tried to justify a bit by saying that I was just a victim, or that it just happened in a finger snap!
It’s a real challenge to move from saying “I have been led astray by others” to “I have made a wrong choice.” The pain in making this move is truly liberating.
Lent 2010 – Day 22b; Sunday, March 14.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I just returned from leading an over-night recollection for a group of laypeople. I quickly packed my things, since I didn’t want to be caught in traffic. Once everything was done, I realized that I couldn’t find my wallet. I searched inside my bags, even under the bed and pillows, and under my car seat. Then a horrible thought: “Has it been stolen?” I decided to take all my clothes out of my backpack, and voila!
What a relief! It was my fault. Yet my first reaction was to put the blame on someone else. I knew there was a deep anger. This sounds so familiar. It became clear to me, that I don’t always want to claim full responsibility for the pain of sin. While I can admit that I have made mistakes, there have been times when I tried to justify a bit by saying that I was just a victim, or that it just happened in a finger snap!
It’s a real challenge to move from saying “I have been led astray by others” to “I have made a wrong choice.” The pain in making this move is truly liberating.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Looking for Direction
“Looking for Direction”
Lent 2010 – Day 22a; Saturday, March 13.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I went to pay respect to my Franciscan friend who passed away. The parish church is located in Depok, now a suburb of Jakarta, quite a distance from where I stay. I got e-mails and text messages about the direction. I also made phone calls to make sure that I got it right. I even asked a Jesuit brother to drive for me, while I made sure that we were on the right track. Having someone with me made the journey feel safer.
There were several spots where the road trickily splits into several directions. We had clear information, but we still had to decide which one to take. It reminds me of my journey of conversion. Because God trusts me, God leaves to me the decision on what direction to take. The possibility of making a wrong turn is still there. But we simply couldn’t think too long. The cars behind would honk angrily!
Conversion is a challenge. It’s a long drive to the unknown places. It requires true masculine spirit. So I wonder, why there are not so many men attracted to this challenge.
Lent 2010 – Day 22a; Saturday, March 13.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I went to pay respect to my Franciscan friend who passed away. The parish church is located in Depok, now a suburb of Jakarta, quite a distance from where I stay. I got e-mails and text messages about the direction. I also made phone calls to make sure that I got it right. I even asked a Jesuit brother to drive for me, while I made sure that we were on the right track. Having someone with me made the journey feel safer.
There were several spots where the road trickily splits into several directions. We had clear information, but we still had to decide which one to take. It reminds me of my journey of conversion. Because God trusts me, God leaves to me the decision on what direction to take. The possibility of making a wrong turn is still there. But we simply couldn’t think too long. The cars behind would honk angrily!
Conversion is a challenge. It’s a long drive to the unknown places. It requires true masculine spirit. So I wonder, why there are not so many men attracted to this challenge.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Unexpected Death
“Unexpected Death”
Lent 2010 – Day 21; Friday, March 12.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
One of my batch-mates, a Franciscan priest, tragically died, choked alone in the tiny 15-meter-deep well at the convent’s backyard, while trying to fix the pipe. His body was found more than 24-hours later. A special rescue team was called to evacuate him. An accident like that is always shocking. It reminds me of the brevity of life and disturbs me to ask about my own life. How much time do I still have?
The surest thing in life is that we all die one day. Yet, death like this one feels so unexpected. Along the way after the first half of this 40-day journey, somehow that question keeps ringing in my conscience: “How much time do I still have?” I’m sure that God can still wait for me to return home and say “I’m really sorry. Please forgive all my sins.” All the more, God loves me just the same.
God is saddened by my unwillingness to repent, because God knows very well that one day I will feel the burdens of sins unbearable. I don’t need to delay that long, do I?
Romo Sunar Suryo, Requiescat In Pace!
Lent 2010 – Day 21; Friday, March 12.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
One of my batch-mates, a Franciscan priest, tragically died, choked alone in the tiny 15-meter-deep well at the convent’s backyard, while trying to fix the pipe. His body was found more than 24-hours later. A special rescue team was called to evacuate him. An accident like that is always shocking. It reminds me of the brevity of life and disturbs me to ask about my own life. How much time do I still have?
The surest thing in life is that we all die one day. Yet, death like this one feels so unexpected. Along the way after the first half of this 40-day journey, somehow that question keeps ringing in my conscience: “How much time do I still have?” I’m sure that God can still wait for me to return home and say “I’m really sorry. Please forgive all my sins.” All the more, God loves me just the same.
God is saddened by my unwillingness to repent, because God knows very well that one day I will feel the burdens of sins unbearable. I don’t need to delay that long, do I?
Romo Sunar Suryo, Requiescat In Pace!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Silence Button
“The Silence Button”
Lent 2010 – Day 20; Thursday, March 11.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
For me, the handiest feature of cell-phone is that as a default it tells the user about who the caller is. When a name appears on the screen, and you don’t want to talk, you probably say: “Oh, No!” But for politeness or fear you answer it, making your voice sound as normal as it can be. Or, you can just push the “silence button,” and pretend that nobody is calling. You ignore the caller, but he or she doesn’t feel rejected.
God never forces me. That attitude is simply not God’s. So God would appear like on my cell-phone screen. Every time it rings, and the name appears, I need to make a quick decision. I have to admit, that many times I’ve said “Oh, No!” and pushed the silence button. Before long, it will become spontaneous to push the silence button whenever God tries to reach the deepest recess of my heart.
God comes and I feel disturbed. God acts and I suspect God of a hidden agenda. God is silent and I get angry. If I keep ignoring God, I can be utterly confused.
Lent 2010 – Day 20; Thursday, March 11.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
For me, the handiest feature of cell-phone is that as a default it tells the user about who the caller is. When a name appears on the screen, and you don’t want to talk, you probably say: “Oh, No!” But for politeness or fear you answer it, making your voice sound as normal as it can be. Or, you can just push the “silence button,” and pretend that nobody is calling. You ignore the caller, but he or she doesn’t feel rejected.
God never forces me. That attitude is simply not God’s. So God would appear like on my cell-phone screen. Every time it rings, and the name appears, I need to make a quick decision. I have to admit, that many times I’ve said “Oh, No!” and pushed the silence button. Before long, it will become spontaneous to push the silence button whenever God tries to reach the deepest recess of my heart.
God comes and I feel disturbed. God acts and I suspect God of a hidden agenda. God is silent and I get angry. If I keep ignoring God, I can be utterly confused.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
After the Tyrant
“After the Tyrant”
Lent 2010 – Day 19; Wednesday, March 10.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Do you know how it feels like to live in a country under a cruel regime? One thing is sure: you have a lot of anger against the person who has the highest authority. Laws are easily designed to support the ruler. When the tyrant falls, people are happy. But there is a sad side to the story. People begin to desire to live without any laws at all! Democracy is understood as a validation to do whatever you like.
I guess the same thing happens in Christianity. Ages ago, for sure, many Church leaders acted as tyrants, and they taught by imposing on people severe laws labeled as God’s commandments. Nowadays, we tend to approach God more tenderly, as to a very loving daddy. The bad news is obvious: we think that God is not so serious with the divine Laws. Christianity without demands, that’s what we have now.
God is never a tyrant. We made God so. Now that God is more lovable, the challenge for us is to obey God’s laws out of love, not of fear. Love is demanding!
Lent 2010 – Day 19; Wednesday, March 10.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Do you know how it feels like to live in a country under a cruel regime? One thing is sure: you have a lot of anger against the person who has the highest authority. Laws are easily designed to support the ruler. When the tyrant falls, people are happy. But there is a sad side to the story. People begin to desire to live without any laws at all! Democracy is understood as a validation to do whatever you like.
I guess the same thing happens in Christianity. Ages ago, for sure, many Church leaders acted as tyrants, and they taught by imposing on people severe laws labeled as God’s commandments. Nowadays, we tend to approach God more tenderly, as to a very loving daddy. The bad news is obvious: we think that God is not so serious with the divine Laws. Christianity without demands, that’s what we have now.
God is never a tyrant. We made God so. Now that God is more lovable, the challenge for us is to obey God’s laws out of love, not of fear. Love is demanding!
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