"Your Love"
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Thursday, February 9, 2012
A German thinker, Jorg Splett, once wrote: "Every person needs more love than he or she deserves." I found this quotation in Father Peter van Bremen, SJ's book "The God Who Won't Let Go." The key to understand this truth lies in the word "MORE." Yes, we all need love, whether we are willing to admit it or not. But in reality many times we don't really deserve that much love. If an accountability report should be made, we would have never been loved at all.
Diana Ross sings "Your Love" that catches another side of this experience. Thinking about everything done in the past, she asks, what is that ONE THING that she truly believes to be priceless. And the answer is, "Your Love." She admits, "Without your love where would I be." The song's chorus reads: "Your love has kept me going through good and bad times. It's kept me growing like a steady flame. Your love has kept on burning through sweet and sad times. I'll keep returning to the magic of your love." In a sentence, she breaths life from the love of her beloved.
How true it is with God. I can sing the song to God. As St. Ignatius of Loyola suggests in the Spiritual Exercises, in times of desolation, just remember the previous consolation given by God. Yes, we need to train ourselves about MEMORY. We need to be built on a strong foundation by always remembering God's love that sustains us. Your love, God, keeps me growing like a steady flame. I'll keep returning to the magic of Your Love...
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Two Mothers
"Two Mothers"
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I believe, this is one of those privileges in a priest's life. Within a week I was present in two families who were mourning their mothers. Both deaths are painful, since they came without notice. The first one was a mother in her early forties, who had been diagnosed with leukemia two weeks earlier. In an attempt to have a conversation with the younger son, ten years old, I told him that I had just lost my father some six months ago. He replied, quite innocently, yet powerfully honest, "Yeah, but it is easier to loose a father, than to loose a mother." I was speechless.
The second one was an elderly widow in her late seventies, who in the process of recovery from her illness, had caught a serious medical allergy, that really caused her unimaginable pains in the whole body. One of her children, the only boy in the family, a married man with three growing up children, said rather bluntly in his speech, "When our dad passed away, we were sad; but now, when our mother is gone, we are very very sad."
We know that sooner or latter each one of us will die. Yet, it is completely another story when death comes just right there, as if from the middle of nowhere. And on top of that, it is the mothers who have been taken away. God seems to be without guilt in doing this to us. I tried hard to find some reasonable explanations, only to realize that I would never find any. All we can do is just hanging in there, embracing the pain, sharing the memories, while hoping that sooner or later we can stand strong again. Pain and sadness, seen from different angle, is a clear proof that there is that four-lettered gift from God: L-O-V-E.
May you rest in peace as you are now present to us in a new way...
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I believe, this is one of those privileges in a priest's life. Within a week I was present in two families who were mourning their mothers. Both deaths are painful, since they came without notice. The first one was a mother in her early forties, who had been diagnosed with leukemia two weeks earlier. In an attempt to have a conversation with the younger son, ten years old, I told him that I had just lost my father some six months ago. He replied, quite innocently, yet powerfully honest, "Yeah, but it is easier to loose a father, than to loose a mother." I was speechless.
The second one was an elderly widow in her late seventies, who in the process of recovery from her illness, had caught a serious medical allergy, that really caused her unimaginable pains in the whole body. One of her children, the only boy in the family, a married man with three growing up children, said rather bluntly in his speech, "When our dad passed away, we were sad; but now, when our mother is gone, we are very very sad."
We know that sooner or latter each one of us will die. Yet, it is completely another story when death comes just right there, as if from the middle of nowhere. And on top of that, it is the mothers who have been taken away. God seems to be without guilt in doing this to us. I tried hard to find some reasonable explanations, only to realize that I would never find any. All we can do is just hanging in there, embracing the pain, sharing the memories, while hoping that sooner or later we can stand strong again. Pain and sadness, seen from different angle, is a clear proof that there is that four-lettered gift from God: L-O-V-E.
May you rest in peace as you are now present to us in a new way...
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Hope Whispers
"Hope Whispers"
January 25, 2012
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
It's been a while. My last post was April 2010. That means, almost two years have passed. And here I am, still struggling with many things that have hindered me from pursuing my dream of becoming a faithful blogger.
A very dear someone has just convinced me to listen to Sarah Brightman's "Winter Light." Well, to be honest, to my Indonesian ears, it's hard to get the lyrics right. So, thank God, Google helped me. There I am, struck by this particular part of the song: "Hope whispers and I will follow 'till you love me too!" It catches one of the main ingredients in my spiritual journey. In my eyes and ears, it is God who sings the song for me. I've been too scared to love God and to let God love me to the full.
It brings me back to my early experience of love with God. Started from Jesus' "Do you love Me?" to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength." Oh God, those words... They remind me of the value of hope. But most of all, it is You, God, who still have hope in me, waiting until I love You too.
Yes, hope whispers, and my heart longs to have the courage to follow... By the way, how many of us really have the courage to be loved totally by God...?
January 25, 2012
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
It's been a while. My last post was April 2010. That means, almost two years have passed. And here I am, still struggling with many things that have hindered me from pursuing my dream of becoming a faithful blogger.
A very dear someone has just convinced me to listen to Sarah Brightman's "Winter Light." Well, to be honest, to my Indonesian ears, it's hard to get the lyrics right. So, thank God, Google helped me. There I am, struck by this particular part of the song: "Hope whispers and I will follow 'till you love me too!" It catches one of the main ingredients in my spiritual journey. In my eyes and ears, it is God who sings the song for me. I've been too scared to love God and to let God love me to the full.
It brings me back to my early experience of love with God. Started from Jesus' "Do you love Me?" to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength." Oh God, those words... They remind me of the value of hope. But most of all, it is You, God, who still have hope in me, waiting until I love You too.
Yes, hope whispers, and my heart longs to have the courage to follow... By the way, how many of us really have the courage to be loved totally by God...?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
So Disappointing
“So Disappointing”
Lent 2010 – Day 30; Tuesday, March 23.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
God knows how much I have been so disappointing to those I love. I admit that I have made many promises, but I have broken even more. Along the way, I know so much pain and hurt I have inflicted upon others. To be honest, I should have lost all chances of having friends any more, even of being loved by any one.
I have been so disappointing to God too. Want to know what is worse? I don’t easily admit that I’m just that bad. Instead, many times I put the blame on God. When I hurt after I fall, I blame God for not doing His job to protect me. I even wonder if sometimes God completely forgets how to be a real God.
Truth is, I haven’t always been ready for new challenges. I run to others, begging for my healing, while I don’t really admit that I’m sick.
Lent 2010 – Day 30; Tuesday, March 23.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
God knows how much I have been so disappointing to those I love. I admit that I have made many promises, but I have broken even more. Along the way, I know so much pain and hurt I have inflicted upon others. To be honest, I should have lost all chances of having friends any more, even of being loved by any one.
I have been so disappointing to God too. Want to know what is worse? I don’t easily admit that I’m just that bad. Instead, many times I put the blame on God. When I hurt after I fall, I blame God for not doing His job to protect me. I even wonder if sometimes God completely forgets how to be a real God.
Truth is, I haven’t always been ready for new challenges. I run to others, begging for my healing, while I don’t really admit that I’m sick.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sign Language
“Sign Language”
Lent 2010 – Day 10a; Sunday, February 28.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I have a very beautiful cousin who is so special, and was recently married to a man who is also special. Due to their conditions, they communicate a lot in sign language. What strikes me is the fact that his younger brother has learned very well the sign language. He did it out of love: this is the best way to communicate to his brother!
That gesture of love is really inspiring. It reminds me of how God has always been trying to communicate with me in a language that I’m capable of. God always finds the right way to get me. God is not the problem, but I am. I’m so slow in letting God talk to me. I’m too stubborn to recognize how God has purposely learned my language.
Sometimes I ask myself: why does God choose me? I have a hint. God may find that learning my language is so fascinating. That’s why God never gives up!
Lent 2010 – Day 10a; Sunday, February 28.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I have a very beautiful cousin who is so special, and was recently married to a man who is also special. Due to their conditions, they communicate a lot in sign language. What strikes me is the fact that his younger brother has learned very well the sign language. He did it out of love: this is the best way to communicate to his brother!
That gesture of love is really inspiring. It reminds me of how God has always been trying to communicate with me in a language that I’m capable of. God always finds the right way to get me. God is not the problem, but I am. I’m so slow in letting God talk to me. I’m too stubborn to recognize how God has purposely learned my language.
Sometimes I ask myself: why does God choose me? I have a hint. God may find that learning my language is so fascinating. That’s why God never gives up!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Love Decision
“Love Decision”
Lent 2010 – Day 5; Monday, February 22; Feast of St. Peter’s Chair
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Love is a decision. After the highs of the “in-love” stage is over, the time will come when one should make a decision to love. It’s the moment when one is invited to go beyond theoretical knowledge. While it isn’t feeling anymore, it isn’t simply about logics either. Love is not simply mathematical calculation. It’s a decision of the heart.
In terms of making and changing decision, we humans are expert compared to God. Yes. I don’t think that God has ever changed the decision to love me no matter what. We humans take time. In some cases, it seems to take a lifetime to decide to love God back. No wonder we need Lent every year, and we are just the same messy people.
Here is a paradox. When I finally decide to totally love God, it’s actually a decision to let myself be loved totally by God. Being loved so much is a lot scarier than loving itself.
Lent 2010 – Day 5; Monday, February 22; Feast of St. Peter’s Chair
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Love is a decision. After the highs of the “in-love” stage is over, the time will come when one should make a decision to love. It’s the moment when one is invited to go beyond theoretical knowledge. While it isn’t feeling anymore, it isn’t simply about logics either. Love is not simply mathematical calculation. It’s a decision of the heart.
In terms of making and changing decision, we humans are expert compared to God. Yes. I don’t think that God has ever changed the decision to love me no matter what. We humans take time. In some cases, it seems to take a lifetime to decide to love God back. No wonder we need Lent every year, and we are just the same messy people.
Here is a paradox. When I finally decide to totally love God, it’s actually a decision to let myself be loved totally by God. Being loved so much is a lot scarier than loving itself.
Friday, December 25, 2009
A Writer's Pain
“A Writer’s Pain”
(Random Blogging Series #7 – Friday, December 25, 2009) – Christmas Reflection
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I got a phone call one day, asking me to write a short article in a magazine. Sensing the desperation in the caller’s voice, I said yes, even though the dead-line was just the following day. I did my best, finished the article, and e-mailed it. Then I got a phone call. With a mix of embarrassment and guilty feeling the caller told me that the editors had changed the theme, and my article simply would not be published.
There was another phone call. Same situation: a request for a short article that had to be sent within a couple of days. I put all my instincts of a writer at work. Given the very limited space, I had to edit it several times. Finally I thought that I had been able to put the best part right at the end as a surprise twist. It was supposed to be the “catchy phrase,” and I was quite happy with that (even tempted to tap on my own shoulder!).
Now imagine my reaction when it was published as scheduled. Even if I had not gone beyond the limited space, the published article had been truncated. Still worse, my best part, that “catchy phrase” that I had planned to become “the bomb” was simply not there! Of course, it’s the job of an editor. I’m quite familiar with that. Yet, still, to find that the best part of my article had completely been erased was rather unexpected.
As I was trying to reconcile myself with the pain, God seemed to show me something. How many times have I come to God, asked urgently for a help, and after it had been granted, I simply said to God, “I don’t need it any more. I changed my mind”? How many times has God given me all the best things that God could do, and I simply rejected them, for no clear reason whatsoever?
Thinking about Christmas? Well, if I can feel the pain of being used, neglected, rejected, misunderstood through my writing experience, how much more God can feel the pain writing that four letter word L O V E in the most intimate chamber of my heart? So I pray, that next year on Christmas I may be able to say “I’ve learned to let God help me; I didn’t give God too much pain.” Have a joyously blessed Christmas!
(Random Blogging Series #7 – Friday, December 25, 2009) – Christmas Reflection
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I got a phone call one day, asking me to write a short article in a magazine. Sensing the desperation in the caller’s voice, I said yes, even though the dead-line was just the following day. I did my best, finished the article, and e-mailed it. Then I got a phone call. With a mix of embarrassment and guilty feeling the caller told me that the editors had changed the theme, and my article simply would not be published.
There was another phone call. Same situation: a request for a short article that had to be sent within a couple of days. I put all my instincts of a writer at work. Given the very limited space, I had to edit it several times. Finally I thought that I had been able to put the best part right at the end as a surprise twist. It was supposed to be the “catchy phrase,” and I was quite happy with that (even tempted to tap on my own shoulder!).
Now imagine my reaction when it was published as scheduled. Even if I had not gone beyond the limited space, the published article had been truncated. Still worse, my best part, that “catchy phrase” that I had planned to become “the bomb” was simply not there! Of course, it’s the job of an editor. I’m quite familiar with that. Yet, still, to find that the best part of my article had completely been erased was rather unexpected.
As I was trying to reconcile myself with the pain, God seemed to show me something. How many times have I come to God, asked urgently for a help, and after it had been granted, I simply said to God, “I don’t need it any more. I changed my mind”? How many times has God given me all the best things that God could do, and I simply rejected them, for no clear reason whatsoever?
Thinking about Christmas? Well, if I can feel the pain of being used, neglected, rejected, misunderstood through my writing experience, how much more God can feel the pain writing that four letter word L O V E in the most intimate chamber of my heart? So I pray, that next year on Christmas I may be able to say “I’ve learned to let God help me; I didn’t give God too much pain.” Have a joyously blessed Christmas!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
"Paolo and Gianluca"
“Paolo and Gianluca”
(Casual Blogging Series #5 – Sunday, November 22, 2009) – Christ the King
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
About a month ago I had the opportunity to visit some old friends in
For one reason, there is this cultural thing. Here in
Later on, I realized that this is how God has been dealing with me. God always calls my name with that “pure trust.” No hidden agenda. God loves me as who I am, not as who I should be. More surprisingly, that memory became very strong this morning as I pondered upon today’s feast, Christ the King. Yes, in Christian belief, He is the King of Kings, of all universe, and of the whole history of humanity. For Jesuits, all the more, having been formed by the Meditation of the King’s Call in St. Ignatius of Loyola’s “Spiritual Exercises,” this feast has a special emphasis that moved us not only to love Him, but more so to offer Him our total service [oops, well, at least that’s the ideal for each Jesuit]. This is not a feast of a frightening King. I believe that this is also a feast when I hear again Christ the King calling me, “Deshi,” with a pure trust in me. The same thing also to each one of you.
Thank you, Paolo and Gianluca, for this wonderful teaching.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Parliamo Italiano
“Parliamo Italiano”
Lent 2009 – Day 31 (Apr 01)
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
An old friend from Rome is in town. I had a dinner with him last night at the hotel where he stays. Driving through the heavy traffic, I made some mental exercises. After several years away from Italy, I had to pick up the language quickly. Then one big question came. How should I greet him? Of course a hug is the most natural thing Italians would do, but how? Americans would give one’s right side of the body as they hug. I vaguely remembered that with some French friends I used to give “a package of three”: left-right-left cheek. I was not sure about how Italians do it: is it left first, and then right? When I met him, I gave my hug, but without realizing it, I mixed it with the American way: right first, then left! Thank God, my friend didn’t embarrass me. Later as we exchanged stories at table, I kept stumbling, trying hard to find back the right Italian words to say. I was not really free as I used to be when I was still in Rome (well, eleven years have passed since I left).
Being free is not simply a matter of knowing, but more than that, it is a matter of personal engagement. No wonder Jesus had a hard time to tell His listeners, “The truth will make you free.” This is not the truth that one can read in a book. Even in the Bible you can’t find this truth. King Nebuchadnezzar couldn’t understand the truth that made Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego so free and willing to prefer the fiery furnace! Yes, this is about truth rooted in personal engagement with God. Each one of us will find it personally in a very unique way.
Even if last night I could rather proudly make those close to our table really hear that “parliamo italiano” (we speak Italian), I was not really free. I still know the language and the culture, but I miss my personal engagement. For me, Jesus’ words now sound, “Deshi, do you want to know the truth that will set you free? Just let yourself be deeply engaged with Me.” In other words, I can be free only by being chained to God’s love!
Lent 2009 – Day 31 (Apr 01)
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
An old friend from Rome is in town. I had a dinner with him last night at the hotel where he stays. Driving through the heavy traffic, I made some mental exercises. After several years away from Italy, I had to pick up the language quickly. Then one big question came. How should I greet him? Of course a hug is the most natural thing Italians would do, but how? Americans would give one’s right side of the body as they hug. I vaguely remembered that with some French friends I used to give “a package of three”: left-right-left cheek. I was not sure about how Italians do it: is it left first, and then right? When I met him, I gave my hug, but without realizing it, I mixed it with the American way: right first, then left! Thank God, my friend didn’t embarrass me. Later as we exchanged stories at table, I kept stumbling, trying hard to find back the right Italian words to say. I was not really free as I used to be when I was still in Rome (well, eleven years have passed since I left).
Being free is not simply a matter of knowing, but more than that, it is a matter of personal engagement. No wonder Jesus had a hard time to tell His listeners, “The truth will make you free.” This is not the truth that one can read in a book. Even in the Bible you can’t find this truth. King Nebuchadnezzar couldn’t understand the truth that made Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego so free and willing to prefer the fiery furnace! Yes, this is about truth rooted in personal engagement with God. Each one of us will find it personally in a very unique way.
Even if last night I could rather proudly make those close to our table really hear that “parliamo italiano” (we speak Italian), I was not really free. I still know the language and the culture, but I miss my personal engagement. For me, Jesus’ words now sound, “Deshi, do you want to know the truth that will set you free? Just let yourself be deeply engaged with Me.” In other words, I can be free only by being chained to God’s love!
Friday, March 20, 2009
U-Turn
“U-Turn”
Lent 2009 – Day 21 (Mar 20)
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I had just left my house yesterday when I realized that I had forgotten something. The U-turn spot was just three minutes away. It would not take more than additional fifteen minutes to get the whole thing done. Yet I thought, “Making a U-turn now is a waste of time. I can get the stuffs later.” So I went home at lunch time, had a quick lunch, got the stuffs from my room, and hit the road again. The whole trip took more than an hour! As I was stuck in the terrible traffic jam, I said to myself, “I should have made the U-turn this morning. But why I didn’t do it?” Then I realized that I didn’t do it, because I knew that my Jesuit brothers were still in the dining room, and they would probably have made fun of my forgetfulness. I knew that I had to return, but I preferred to save my face!
We are strongly warned not to fall into idolatry, into worshipping others than God. I didn’t make the U-turn, because I wanted to hold fast on my own pride. By doing that, I made myself an idol. The danger of idolatry lies not out there, but in here. Conversion, or returning, or coming back, or making a U-turn to God, is not always appealing to our modern ears. It might be judged by others as a sign of weakness, of the defeat of the most important idol, namely, “I.” When we pray “Deliver us from evil,” it also means “Deliver us from our own pride! Deliver us from our own resistance to make a U-turn to You!” But many people say, “I’ll come back to God when I get older.” It actually means, “I want to be holy, but right now, my pride is a lot more precious!” How sad!
The greatest commandment is to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, strength. If we are focused on God, our pride will melt. That’s the power of love. When our pride is melted away, we can really love ourselves as God loves us, and in turn, we can love others as we love ourselves with the very love of God. Now we think that many more U-turns still lie ahead, while in fact there might be none. God knows.
Lent 2009 – Day 21 (Mar 20)
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I had just left my house yesterday when I realized that I had forgotten something. The U-turn spot was just three minutes away. It would not take more than additional fifteen minutes to get the whole thing done. Yet I thought, “Making a U-turn now is a waste of time. I can get the stuffs later.” So I went home at lunch time, had a quick lunch, got the stuffs from my room, and hit the road again. The whole trip took more than an hour! As I was stuck in the terrible traffic jam, I said to myself, “I should have made the U-turn this morning. But why I didn’t do it?” Then I realized that I didn’t do it, because I knew that my Jesuit brothers were still in the dining room, and they would probably have made fun of my forgetfulness. I knew that I had to return, but I preferred to save my face!
We are strongly warned not to fall into idolatry, into worshipping others than God. I didn’t make the U-turn, because I wanted to hold fast on my own pride. By doing that, I made myself an idol. The danger of idolatry lies not out there, but in here. Conversion, or returning, or coming back, or making a U-turn to God, is not always appealing to our modern ears. It might be judged by others as a sign of weakness, of the defeat of the most important idol, namely, “I.” When we pray “Deliver us from evil,” it also means “Deliver us from our own pride! Deliver us from our own resistance to make a U-turn to You!” But many people say, “I’ll come back to God when I get older.” It actually means, “I want to be holy, but right now, my pride is a lot more precious!” How sad!
The greatest commandment is to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, strength. If we are focused on God, our pride will melt. That’s the power of love. When our pride is melted away, we can really love ourselves as God loves us, and in turn, we can love others as we love ourselves with the very love of God. Now we think that many more U-turns still lie ahead, while in fact there might be none. God knows.
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