“By Law!”
Lent 2010 – Day 6; Tuesday, February 23.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I was boarding a flight in Singapore when I noticed a sign which looked scary. Well, it was just a “no smoking” sign, but right below it were two monosyllabic words: “BY LAW.” Somehow I felt threatened. Behind those two words there was a tremendous power. And sure enough, breaking that law was the last thing I wanted to come close to.
Lent is a time to get in touch again with a tremendous power. It doesn’t depend on the quantity of words I say in my prayer, since less means more. When I hold my tongue, I make a decision to go deeper in my heart. Once I touched again that power in the innermost recess of my heart, it will flow into my entire being.
It’s time to touch again my desire to be a better person, and to say with a renewed conviction, “Yes, I really want it.”
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Love Decision
“Love Decision”
Lent 2010 – Day 5; Monday, February 22; Feast of St. Peter’s Chair
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Love is a decision. After the highs of the “in-love” stage is over, the time will come when one should make a decision to love. It’s the moment when one is invited to go beyond theoretical knowledge. While it isn’t feeling anymore, it isn’t simply about logics either. Love is not simply mathematical calculation. It’s a decision of the heart.
In terms of making and changing decision, we humans are expert compared to God. Yes. I don’t think that God has ever changed the decision to love me no matter what. We humans take time. In some cases, it seems to take a lifetime to decide to love God back. No wonder we need Lent every year, and we are just the same messy people.
Here is a paradox. When I finally decide to totally love God, it’s actually a decision to let myself be loved totally by God. Being loved so much is a lot scarier than loving itself.
Lent 2010 – Day 5; Monday, February 22; Feast of St. Peter’s Chair
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Love is a decision. After the highs of the “in-love” stage is over, the time will come when one should make a decision to love. It’s the moment when one is invited to go beyond theoretical knowledge. While it isn’t feeling anymore, it isn’t simply about logics either. Love is not simply mathematical calculation. It’s a decision of the heart.
In terms of making and changing decision, we humans are expert compared to God. Yes. I don’t think that God has ever changed the decision to love me no matter what. We humans take time. In some cases, it seems to take a lifetime to decide to love God back. No wonder we need Lent every year, and we are just the same messy people.
Here is a paradox. When I finally decide to totally love God, it’s actually a decision to let myself be loved totally by God. Being loved so much is a lot scarier than loving itself.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Gentleman on the Stairs
“Gentleman on the Stairs”
Lent 2010 – Day 4a; Sunday, February 21.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
If you go with a woman, and needs to take the stairs, be a gentleman. If you go up, you let her go first, and you stay right behind her. But if you go down, you should go first and stay right in front of her. Why? Should she trips and falls, you’ll be right there to catch her. You also make her feel secure since she knows you are her protector.
Sadly, I’m not always willing to let God be my protector. Who knows? I might sub-consciously feel that this is too feminine. I am the man, I am the protector. So, I let myself fall into temptations. I bet, this applies to woman too. Letting God be the protector is letting God to act manly. For some women with past hurt from men, this is too much.
God wants to protect us. When we don’t let it happen, we might violently emasculate God. I wonder if this is what saddens Him the most.
Lent 2010 – Day 4a; Sunday, February 21.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
If you go with a woman, and needs to take the stairs, be a gentleman. If you go up, you let her go first, and you stay right behind her. But if you go down, you should go first and stay right in front of her. Why? Should she trips and falls, you’ll be right there to catch her. You also make her feel secure since she knows you are her protector.
Sadly, I’m not always willing to let God be my protector. Who knows? I might sub-consciously feel that this is too feminine. I am the man, I am the protector. So, I let myself fall into temptations. I bet, this applies to woman too. Letting God be the protector is letting God to act manly. For some women with past hurt from men, this is too much.
God wants to protect us. When we don’t let it happen, we might violently emasculate God. I wonder if this is what saddens Him the most.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Desirable Sickness
“Desirable Sickness”
Lent 2010 – Day 4; Saturday, February 20.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
When I was a young teenager I once got very sick. I was literally confined to bed for a whole month. Along the way I learned how to let others help me. I even began to enjoy being sick, since everybody paid attention to me. It was suddenly over when the doctor allowed me to get up and walk. I was healed, and I lost all the special treatments.
Being sick can be so desirable, especially when it is the best way to get attentions. I wonder if the same thing applies to sin. I know I have to get rid of certain repeated sins, yet I also know that staying with this sin will attract God’s attention to me. And that certainly feels good. I’m addicted to the notion of fighting against sin with God.
God wants to heal me, to change my life. Yet I’m afraid to let God do it, since I’m afraid that if I become a better person, I will lose God’s special attention to me.
Lent 2010 – Day 4; Saturday, February 20.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
When I was a young teenager I once got very sick. I was literally confined to bed for a whole month. Along the way I learned how to let others help me. I even began to enjoy being sick, since everybody paid attention to me. It was suddenly over when the doctor allowed me to get up and walk. I was healed, and I lost all the special treatments.
Being sick can be so desirable, especially when it is the best way to get attentions. I wonder if the same thing applies to sin. I know I have to get rid of certain repeated sins, yet I also know that staying with this sin will attract God’s attention to me. And that certainly feels good. I’m addicted to the notion of fighting against sin with God.
God wants to heal me, to change my life. Yet I’m afraid to let God do it, since I’m afraid that if I become a better person, I will lose God’s special attention to me.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Hallmark Card
“Hallmark Card”
Lent 2010 – Day 3; Friday, February 19.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I tell you one of my secrets. When I was a lot younger, I used to collect beautiful Hallmark cards. Every now and then I would stop by at a Hallmark store, browsed them, and read thoughtfully the beautiful words on them, and bought one I considered the best. I usually didn’t have any particular person in mind. Now, imagine that eventually I sent one among the best cards to someone, only to hear her say: “You shouldn’t waste your money for this.”
Here is the crucial thing. For her, that card is just “something,” while I put a great deal of myself into it that I feel like me being present in it. I wish that the card would be accepted as “someone.” The same thing happens during Lent. After all these years, I now believe that fasting or penance is not about something, but about someone. It is not about “excluding something” for Lent (coffee for example, in my case), but it is about “embracing someone.”
If I can say no to coffee, but can’t say yes to love God and my neighbors, I’m not really doing the real penance.
Lent 2010 – Day 3; Friday, February 19.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I tell you one of my secrets. When I was a lot younger, I used to collect beautiful Hallmark cards. Every now and then I would stop by at a Hallmark store, browsed them, and read thoughtfully the beautiful words on them, and bought one I considered the best. I usually didn’t have any particular person in mind. Now, imagine that eventually I sent one among the best cards to someone, only to hear her say: “You shouldn’t waste your money for this.”
Here is the crucial thing. For her, that card is just “something,” while I put a great deal of myself into it that I feel like me being present in it. I wish that the card would be accepted as “someone.” The same thing happens during Lent. After all these years, I now believe that fasting or penance is not about something, but about someone. It is not about “excluding something” for Lent (coffee for example, in my case), but it is about “embracing someone.”
If I can say no to coffee, but can’t say yes to love God and my neighbors, I’m not really doing the real penance.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Deadly Diet
“Deadly Diet”
Lent 2010 – Day 2; Thursday, February 18.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Just look around. You will see some who are struggling with high cholesterol level. Look how they eat. Are your shocked? Listen to what they say: “It’s OK. Just a little bite… and if things get worse, I’ve got my pills.” Don’t forget to notice the victorious smile on their faces. And guess what? The next morning you will hear them complain: “I’ve a terrible headache.” Duh…?
Choosing is part of life. Yet, making the right choice is not always in the picture. Sometimes we even play with life or death choice. If this is what happens with choosing between holiness and sinfulness, I feel so embarrassed. When I choose sin, I choose death. The more I respect my life, the more I want to choose holiness. My repeated fallings and negligence may simply be signs of my lack of respect toward life.
Want to know the worst part of the story? It’s when you say a split second before committing a sin: “It’s OK. Just a little bite…”
Lent 2010 – Day 2; Thursday, February 18.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Just look around. You will see some who are struggling with high cholesterol level. Look how they eat. Are your shocked? Listen to what they say: “It’s OK. Just a little bite… and if things get worse, I’ve got my pills.” Don’t forget to notice the victorious smile on their faces. And guess what? The next morning you will hear them complain: “I’ve a terrible headache.” Duh…?
Choosing is part of life. Yet, making the right choice is not always in the picture. Sometimes we even play with life or death choice. If this is what happens with choosing between holiness and sinfulness, I feel so embarrassed. When I choose sin, I choose death. The more I respect my life, the more I want to choose holiness. My repeated fallings and negligence may simply be signs of my lack of respect toward life.
Want to know the worst part of the story? It’s when you say a split second before committing a sin: “It’s OK. Just a little bite…”
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Scary U-Turn
“Scary U-Turn”
Lent 2010 – Day 1 (Ash Wednesday); February 17.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I hate making a U-Turn at certain spots in my neighborhood. Why? It always feels like fighting a battle. Rarely will the vehicles from the opposite direction stop or slow down. On the contrary, they seem to speed up nastily when they see I need to get in. Things can get worse during the rush hour. If I can avoid making U-Turn, I will certainly opt for it.
Here I am, another year, another Ash Wednesday, another Lent. If conversion is like going back by making a U-Turn, I know why it is sometimes hard. It requires patience and the right moves. Making an abrupt and reckless U-Turn can cause a collision. Yet, making a very slow move can also cause a collision. I guess that’s my prayer: “God, grant me patience and teach me the right moves during this time of conversion.”
If conversion is indeed a battle, it is no doubt a battle worth fighting for. Hesitation to go through it will only reveal my true self as a coward.
Lent 2010 – Day 1 (Ash Wednesday); February 17.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I hate making a U-Turn at certain spots in my neighborhood. Why? It always feels like fighting a battle. Rarely will the vehicles from the opposite direction stop or slow down. On the contrary, they seem to speed up nastily when they see I need to get in. Things can get worse during the rush hour. If I can avoid making U-Turn, I will certainly opt for it.
Here I am, another year, another Ash Wednesday, another Lent. If conversion is like going back by making a U-Turn, I know why it is sometimes hard. It requires patience and the right moves. Making an abrupt and reckless U-Turn can cause a collision. Yet, making a very slow move can also cause a collision. I guess that’s my prayer: “God, grant me patience and teach me the right moves during this time of conversion.”
If conversion is indeed a battle, it is no doubt a battle worth fighting for. Hesitation to go through it will only reveal my true self as a coward.
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