“Admire Me!”
Lent 2010 – Day 12; Tuesday, March 2.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I grew up in a fashion industry. Not with the big names like Versace or Armani, but just my mother’s garment business. Part of my childhood memory was watching those handsome and pretty models in and out our home. I can even say with pride that as a 10-year old boy I did walk on a catwalk as a model.
Never will I forget the first time I heard hundred of people applaud me. I can still feel the sensation standing at that corner where I stopped, made a gentle spin, put a big smile, and waited for the applause. Deep inside me I shouted: “Admire me!” But now the key word of fashion performance really disturbs me. That word is “fake.”
I’m afraid that the same word exists in my faith life. People might see me good. I might be so, not because I want to be or to do good, but simply to look good. How empty!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sickly Boy
“Sickly Boy”
Lent 2010 – Day 11; Monday, March 1.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
When I was a little boy, I used to be sickly. I disappointed my big brother for not being able to play outside with him. I made my dad feel desperate. I made my mom worry. My little sister became my closest friend. People around me kept making a remark: “You are such a sickly boy.” Without knowing it, I began to internalize it and convince myself: Yes, I’m sickly.
I bore that remark for many years. My fellow seminarians, as well as my Jesuit brothers, continued the same remark. Then the day of liberation arrived. I was sent to Rome. No one knew my history. No one made that remark. And guess what? I became healthier and healthier. Today, every time I do my exercises, I remember that liberation. Innocent judgment can be deadly!
If Lent is time to be set free one more time, it’s also my responsibility to set others free. To do that, I would begin by turning my judgments against others into words of appreciation.
Lent 2010 – Day 11; Monday, March 1.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
When I was a little boy, I used to be sickly. I disappointed my big brother for not being able to play outside with him. I made my dad feel desperate. I made my mom worry. My little sister became my closest friend. People around me kept making a remark: “You are such a sickly boy.” Without knowing it, I began to internalize it and convince myself: Yes, I’m sickly.
I bore that remark for many years. My fellow seminarians, as well as my Jesuit brothers, continued the same remark. Then the day of liberation arrived. I was sent to Rome. No one knew my history. No one made that remark. And guess what? I became healthier and healthier. Today, every time I do my exercises, I remember that liberation. Innocent judgment can be deadly!
If Lent is time to be set free one more time, it’s also my responsibility to set others free. To do that, I would begin by turning my judgments against others into words of appreciation.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sign Language
“Sign Language”
Lent 2010 – Day 10a; Sunday, February 28.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I have a very beautiful cousin who is so special, and was recently married to a man who is also special. Due to their conditions, they communicate a lot in sign language. What strikes me is the fact that his younger brother has learned very well the sign language. He did it out of love: this is the best way to communicate to his brother!
That gesture of love is really inspiring. It reminds me of how God has always been trying to communicate with me in a language that I’m capable of. God always finds the right way to get me. God is not the problem, but I am. I’m so slow in letting God talk to me. I’m too stubborn to recognize how God has purposely learned my language.
Sometimes I ask myself: why does God choose me? I have a hint. God may find that learning my language is so fascinating. That’s why God never gives up!
Lent 2010 – Day 10a; Sunday, February 28.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I have a very beautiful cousin who is so special, and was recently married to a man who is also special. Due to their conditions, they communicate a lot in sign language. What strikes me is the fact that his younger brother has learned very well the sign language. He did it out of love: this is the best way to communicate to his brother!
That gesture of love is really inspiring. It reminds me of how God has always been trying to communicate with me in a language that I’m capable of. God always finds the right way to get me. God is not the problem, but I am. I’m so slow in letting God talk to me. I’m too stubborn to recognize how God has purposely learned my language.
Sometimes I ask myself: why does God choose me? I have a hint. God may find that learning my language is so fascinating. That’s why God never gives up!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Not Too Clean, Please
“Not Too Clean, Please”
Lent 2010 – Day 10; Saturday, February 27.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Do you believe that if you clean your ear or nose too well, you might create an infection right there? I’ve had both, nose infection, and some years later, ear infection. Do you know what the doctor said? “Clean it, but not too clean!” Well, fair enough. My ear or nose needs that greasy, disgusting, yellowish substance to protect itself.
Loving my enemies, forgiving them, even praying for them don’t always come easy. Many times I’ve asked God to help me to forgive them. Yet, I know they are still there. What if those painful experiences actually need to be there to make me function well? Could they be like that greasy substance in my ear or nose?
Dreaming of a clean new life is understandable. But, I’m afraid, that I might want it too clean, that I unintentionally create a spiritual infection harder to heal?
Lent 2010 – Day 10; Saturday, February 27.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Do you believe that if you clean your ear or nose too well, you might create an infection right there? I’ve had both, nose infection, and some years later, ear infection. Do you know what the doctor said? “Clean it, but not too clean!” Well, fair enough. My ear or nose needs that greasy, disgusting, yellowish substance to protect itself.
Loving my enemies, forgiving them, even praying for them don’t always come easy. Many times I’ve asked God to help me to forgive them. Yet, I know they are still there. What if those painful experiences actually need to be there to make me function well? Could they be like that greasy substance in my ear or nose?
Dreaming of a clean new life is understandable. But, I’m afraid, that I might want it too clean, that I unintentionally create a spiritual infection harder to heal?
Friday, February 26, 2010
Craving for Sin
“Craving for Sin”
Lent 2010 – Day 9; Friday, February 26.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I decided to give up coffee for Lent. The first days were really hard. I realize more than ever, that I’ve really become a coffee lover. Something is really missing. Even worse! I develop some high level of cravings for coffee. It feels like there is a big hole in my daily schedule. It feels awkward to start a new day without coffee.
Like you, I’ve been wrestling with sins. I realize that somehow the pattern of sin has become a basic ingredient in my daily regiment. You can imagine how it feels when I really want to give up sin. Yes! Now I even have some cravings for sin. I become groggy if I live a day without sin. How horrible!
Another reason why we haven’t made any significant progress in our spiritual life can be this: we actually still crave for sins!
Lent 2010 – Day 9; Friday, February 26.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I decided to give up coffee for Lent. The first days were really hard. I realize more than ever, that I’ve really become a coffee lover. Something is really missing. Even worse! I develop some high level of cravings for coffee. It feels like there is a big hole in my daily schedule. It feels awkward to start a new day without coffee.
Like you, I’ve been wrestling with sins. I realize that somehow the pattern of sin has become a basic ingredient in my daily regiment. You can imagine how it feels when I really want to give up sin. Yes! Now I even have some cravings for sin. I become groggy if I live a day without sin. How horrible!
Another reason why we haven’t made any significant progress in our spiritual life can be this: we actually still crave for sins!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Take a Number
“Take a Number”
Lent 2010 – Day 8; Thursday, February 25.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Remember the last time you were in a line? Take a number and wait for your turn. Soon you begin to count every second. Still ten numbers before you. Then you give up, trash the number slip, and walk away. You don’t realize that all the ten persons before you did just the same earlier. So you miss your chance to be the very next person to be served.
Many times that has been my attitude in prayer. Waiting for God to answer my prayer really takes a courage and generosity. So I need to learn to simply enjoy the waiting. The answer will come in an unexpected time, even in a surprising way. Indeed, many times it is the waiting itself that really count and transform me.
If I see the waiting as part of God’s answer, when God does finally answer my prayer, I can really celebrate it. To do this, I need to stop from counting every second.
Lent 2010 – Day 8; Thursday, February 25.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Remember the last time you were in a line? Take a number and wait for your turn. Soon you begin to count every second. Still ten numbers before you. Then you give up, trash the number slip, and walk away. You don’t realize that all the ten persons before you did just the same earlier. So you miss your chance to be the very next person to be served.
Many times that has been my attitude in prayer. Waiting for God to answer my prayer really takes a courage and generosity. So I need to learn to simply enjoy the waiting. The answer will come in an unexpected time, even in a surprising way. Indeed, many times it is the waiting itself that really count and transform me.
If I see the waiting as part of God’s answer, when God does finally answer my prayer, I can really celebrate it. To do this, I need to stop from counting every second.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Self-Anesthesia
“Self-Anesthesia”
Lent 2010 – Day 7; Wednesday, February 24.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Ever been to a dentist for tooth extraction? Well, to make your life less miserable, today’s doctor is generous enough with anesthesia. You won’t feel any pain, and you trust your dentist to proceed. If he or she wants to fool you, he or she can extract any tooth. You simply trust him or her, as long as you don’t feel the pain.
I’m afraid that I might have been so used to self-anesthesia in regard to my sins. Year after year, I’ve been able to convince myself that everything is just fine. Heaven knows, how many times I have asked God to hit me hard so that I can repent from my sins. God has indeed hit me hard many times, yet I haven’t felt any pain. So why bother?
Too much confidence in God’s mercy and forgiveness can indeed make me numb. Problem is, how much time do I still have before my time is up?
Lent 2010 – Day 7; Wednesday, February 24.
Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
Ever been to a dentist for tooth extraction? Well, to make your life less miserable, today’s doctor is generous enough with anesthesia. You won’t feel any pain, and you trust your dentist to proceed. If he or she wants to fool you, he or she can extract any tooth. You simply trust him or her, as long as you don’t feel the pain.
I’m afraid that I might have been so used to self-anesthesia in regard to my sins. Year after year, I’ve been able to convince myself that everything is just fine. Heaven knows, how many times I have asked God to hit me hard so that I can repent from my sins. God has indeed hit me hard many times, yet I haven’t felt any pain. So why bother?
Too much confidence in God’s mercy and forgiveness can indeed make me numb. Problem is, how much time do I still have before my time is up?
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