“Corneal Infection”
Lent 2009 – Day 27 (Mar 27)
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
It was summer 1993, my first summer in Europe. After my first year in Rome I spent the first weeks of my summer vacation in The Hague in Holland. My mom, who at that time was still active in her garment business, came with my sister to participate in a fashion show. After some days with all the good-looking models, I began to feel something odd with my eyes. [Please, don’t think it was simply a matter of cause and effect!]. Everything collapsed when I learned that it was a corneal infection. I made every body go into troubles, from ophthalmologist visit to health insurance. Even worse, my eyes became so sensitive to light. I really hated any kind of light and preferred staying in the dark with my eyes tightly shut. Even a gentle ray of morning sunlight felt like a super bright spot light directed right on my eyes! A cloudy or even rainy day was perfect!
The problem was not with the light, but with my eyes. What was actually normal and pleasant became so threatening and burdensome. Jesus moved on with His mission from the Father. People began to be more irritated by the light He offered and tried everything possible to get away from it. Instead of curing the “eyes,” they made plot to eliminate the “light.” Yes, when with God’s grace I make some improvements in my spiritual life, even the gentle ray of that initial goodness in me may appear as a disturbing light for others. This, as Saint Ignatius of Loyola suggests, is typical of how the good spirit will be hindered by the evil spirit. When you are getting better, you will hear voice within you that convinces you that it is useless. Yes, you may even be convinced and say, “I’m a sinner. There is no way I can be better. Why still give it a try? Why fight if I will lose?”
When you are good and people around you like you, it is called encouragement, and it makes you “feel good.” When you are good and people around you hate you, it is called “the cross,” and it makes you “really good,” although you feel awful. Yes, when they hate you like this, be sure, the problem is not with the light in you, but with the eyes in them! Your cross makes them feel the serious corneal infection in their spiritual sight.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Kitchen Witness
“Kitchen Witness”
Lent 2009 – Day 26 (Mar 26)
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
When I was a student in Berkeley some years ago, I lived with other Jesuits on their way to priesthood, and we took turn in cooking our evening meals. Our agreement was simple: “When you cook, use whatever you need, try to clean up as you cook, others will do the rest after meal, and you are free to relax!” Fair enough. There was one in particular who always used almost everything and left piles of dirty kitchen wares. On the day he cooked, cleaning up after meal seemed to take forever! Seeing those piles, we could say without doubt “He was here!”
I often channeled my urge for order to the drawer where we kept the silver wares. Every now and then I would arrange spoons, forks, and knives into a perfect lining! When someone opened the drawer afterwards, he could say “Deshi was here!” This is true with others. When I found the mixer had been used and nicely washed I knew who had just made his favorite brownies. When I found raw ox-tails on the kitchen counter, I knew exactly who had just been there. Yes, what we did in and to the kitchen witnessed about who we were! That’s an unbeatable kitchen witness!
When the Israelites are leaving Egypt, they say “God is here!” Soon afterwards, having no clue about Moses’ where-about, they say “God is gone!” Jesus’ opponents demand a clear explanation, but Jesus’ works clearly witness about who He really was. Moses reminds God to be merciful and forgiving. Jesus shows who God is by being merciful and forgiving. When we know about God, but we don’t experience God’s mercy and forgiveness, not surprisingly, our deeds will never witness about God.
If things are messed up, I hope that no one will say “Deshi was here.” If they do, my deeds clearly lack for mercy and forgiveness. It’s no witness to God! Our Berkeley kitchen knows better how to witness!
Lent 2009 – Day 26 (Mar 26)
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
When I was a student in Berkeley some years ago, I lived with other Jesuits on their way to priesthood, and we took turn in cooking our evening meals. Our agreement was simple: “When you cook, use whatever you need, try to clean up as you cook, others will do the rest after meal, and you are free to relax!” Fair enough. There was one in particular who always used almost everything and left piles of dirty kitchen wares. On the day he cooked, cleaning up after meal seemed to take forever! Seeing those piles, we could say without doubt “He was here!”
I often channeled my urge for order to the drawer where we kept the silver wares. Every now and then I would arrange spoons, forks, and knives into a perfect lining! When someone opened the drawer afterwards, he could say “Deshi was here!” This is true with others. When I found the mixer had been used and nicely washed I knew who had just made his favorite brownies. When I found raw ox-tails on the kitchen counter, I knew exactly who had just been there. Yes, what we did in and to the kitchen witnessed about who we were! That’s an unbeatable kitchen witness!
When the Israelites are leaving Egypt, they say “God is here!” Soon afterwards, having no clue about Moses’ where-about, they say “God is gone!” Jesus’ opponents demand a clear explanation, but Jesus’ works clearly witness about who He really was. Moses reminds God to be merciful and forgiving. Jesus shows who God is by being merciful and forgiving. When we know about God, but we don’t experience God’s mercy and forgiveness, not surprisingly, our deeds will never witness about God.
If things are messed up, I hope that no one will say “Deshi was here.” If they do, my deeds clearly lack for mercy and forgiveness. It’s no witness to God! Our Berkeley kitchen knows better how to witness!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Defocused
“Defocused”
Lent 2009 – Day 25 (Mar 25) “Annunciation”
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
It’s hard to make a good group photo in these days of digital cameras. With five cameras trying to make a perfect picture of twenty people, for example, the result will probably be a picture of twenty people looking at five different directions. If you have asked someone to use your camera and do the shot for you, there is a higher probability that you will stare with your best smile at your own camera! The problem of focusing used to be that of the camera lens or of the photographer. Now, being defocused is mostly the problem with the people themselves.
Our world is so defocused. We are so defocused. I’m so defocused. Inevitably, my vision gets blurred and blurred. But surprisingly, it can suddenly get so focused when it has something to do with me. Who cares about other cameras? I want to look perfect in the picture from my own camera. After all, I can crop it and toss away other faces! So the question is: how do I want to be focused? Being defocused is just therefore a modern term for the centuries old self-centeredness or selfishness. I can remember perfectly, even as I’m typing this, how my being defocused has made me miss great opportunities to love and serve others.
Amidst our defocused lives, one day in the history of humanity, God came to a young woman from Nazareth. God is focused to Mary, since she is focused to God. Feast of Annunciation is a feast of this mutual focusing. It’s the feast when God as the best photographer comes to our group with the best camera and says, “Keep your cameras. Look at My camera! I guarantee you an award-winning picture of the year!” Yes, when we are all focused to God, we become indeed a perfect photo. Feast of Annunciation invites us to stare with our best smiles as one single group of humanity and together say “Cheers….!”
Lent 2009 – Day 25 (Mar 25) “Annunciation”
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
It’s hard to make a good group photo in these days of digital cameras. With five cameras trying to make a perfect picture of twenty people, for example, the result will probably be a picture of twenty people looking at five different directions. If you have asked someone to use your camera and do the shot for you, there is a higher probability that you will stare with your best smile at your own camera! The problem of focusing used to be that of the camera lens or of the photographer. Now, being defocused is mostly the problem with the people themselves.
Our world is so defocused. We are so defocused. I’m so defocused. Inevitably, my vision gets blurred and blurred. But surprisingly, it can suddenly get so focused when it has something to do with me. Who cares about other cameras? I want to look perfect in the picture from my own camera. After all, I can crop it and toss away other faces! So the question is: how do I want to be focused? Being defocused is just therefore a modern term for the centuries old self-centeredness or selfishness. I can remember perfectly, even as I’m typing this, how my being defocused has made me miss great opportunities to love and serve others.
Amidst our defocused lives, one day in the history of humanity, God came to a young woman from Nazareth. God is focused to Mary, since she is focused to God. Feast of Annunciation is a feast of this mutual focusing. It’s the feast when God as the best photographer comes to our group with the best camera and says, “Keep your cameras. Look at My camera! I guarantee you an award-winning picture of the year!” Yes, when we are all focused to God, we become indeed a perfect photo. Feast of Annunciation invites us to stare with our best smiles as one single group of humanity and together say “Cheers….!”
Monday, March 23, 2009
I Wish
“I Wish”
Lent 2009 – Day 24 (Mar 24)
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
When I experienced my first life-changing conversion as a teenager many years ago the only thing I wished was to be a holy man! It seemed that I was already in front of the pearl gate to holiness. How wrong I was!
I wish to deliver powerful words as Jesus did to the paralyzed man at the Sheep Pool in Jerusalem, “Get up, pick up your mat, and walk!” What makes Jesus’ words so powerful? Very simple! In Jesus there is no contradiction whatsoever. That’s obviously not my case. I can’t even count exactly the contradictions in me. So many!
I wish to flow like the water from the Temple that creates lives wherever it goes. That too is not my case. My words, my deeds, my attitudes, my choices, even my feelings, sometimes even kill the good seeds that God has planted around me. Feeling sorry always comes late. It always comes after the damage has been done. So many!
The water that used to be salty is in the process of becoming fresh. The paralyzed man who has just been healed is still limping and needs to learn how to walk straight. That not-yet-fresh water, that limping man, is me.
To all of you who have been wounded by my contradictions, I deeply apologize. Your ceaseless forgiveness gives me hope to keep striving for holiness. Spiritually I’m just a limping man who makes his best efforts to help others walk better. I want to be hope for others by limping graciously, and I thank you for letting me do just that.
Lent 2009 – Day 24 (Mar 24)
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
When I experienced my first life-changing conversion as a teenager many years ago the only thing I wished was to be a holy man! It seemed that I was already in front of the pearl gate to holiness. How wrong I was!
I wish to deliver powerful words as Jesus did to the paralyzed man at the Sheep Pool in Jerusalem, “Get up, pick up your mat, and walk!” What makes Jesus’ words so powerful? Very simple! In Jesus there is no contradiction whatsoever. That’s obviously not my case. I can’t even count exactly the contradictions in me. So many!
I wish to flow like the water from the Temple that creates lives wherever it goes. That too is not my case. My words, my deeds, my attitudes, my choices, even my feelings, sometimes even kill the good seeds that God has planted around me. Feeling sorry always comes late. It always comes after the damage has been done. So many!
The water that used to be salty is in the process of becoming fresh. The paralyzed man who has just been healed is still limping and needs to learn how to walk straight. That not-yet-fresh water, that limping man, is me.
To all of you who have been wounded by my contradictions, I deeply apologize. Your ceaseless forgiveness gives me hope to keep striving for holiness. Spiritually I’m just a limping man who makes his best efforts to help others walk better. I want to be hope for others by limping graciously, and I thank you for letting me do just that.
When the Bamboo Broke
“When the Bamboo Broke”
Lent 2009 – Day 23 (Mar 23)
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I warn you, this is embarrassing and disgusting! It was early 70’s and I was just a little kid. We lived in the suburbs of Jakarta. Vast rice fields and ponds were still found at the back of our house. It was customary that people would go to those ponds whenever the nature called. Yes, we had those “toilets” over the ponds. One day, as I was squatting and “doing it,” the bamboo underneath my feet broke and I fell directly to the water full of the dirty “waste” that my body had just released. I was literally in the midst of human “waste,” mine and everybody else’s. The next thing I knew, I was already at the well. My body was literally covered with human waste and our house maid was washing me through. She had bravely jumped into the disgusting water to save my life! Even today I can still hear the crispy laughter we both shared at that well. I’m forever grateful to her.
That is what God has been doing for me. Every time I sin, I spiritually jump into my own dirty waste, and God will immediately jump to save me. What a great God! This is basically the pattern that is repeated on and on throughout the Scriptures. Not only that. God even promises to create new heavens and new earth for us! Even more! God will exult in us! We are invited to share that crispy laughter as God washes us through! Think about this. God will rejoice over you, no matter how messy your life is now. God wants to heal you, and wants you to believe.
Even if there seems to be no sign that our lives are getting better (since we find ourselves repeating just the same sins again and again), God wants us to believe that we are not alone sinking in that disgusting water. God is there with us. All we need to do is letting God grab us and pull us out! Once we are out, we will also see that God mends and replaces the broken bamboo! God will smile and say, “Be careful! But be sure, even if you fall again, I’ll rescue you!”
Lent 2009 – Day 23 (Mar 23)
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I warn you, this is embarrassing and disgusting! It was early 70’s and I was just a little kid. We lived in the suburbs of Jakarta. Vast rice fields and ponds were still found at the back of our house. It was customary that people would go to those ponds whenever the nature called. Yes, we had those “toilets” over the ponds. One day, as I was squatting and “doing it,” the bamboo underneath my feet broke and I fell directly to the water full of the dirty “waste” that my body had just released. I was literally in the midst of human “waste,” mine and everybody else’s. The next thing I knew, I was already at the well. My body was literally covered with human waste and our house maid was washing me through. She had bravely jumped into the disgusting water to save my life! Even today I can still hear the crispy laughter we both shared at that well. I’m forever grateful to her.
That is what God has been doing for me. Every time I sin, I spiritually jump into my own dirty waste, and God will immediately jump to save me. What a great God! This is basically the pattern that is repeated on and on throughout the Scriptures. Not only that. God even promises to create new heavens and new earth for us! Even more! God will exult in us! We are invited to share that crispy laughter as God washes us through! Think about this. God will rejoice over you, no matter how messy your life is now. God wants to heal you, and wants you to believe.
Even if there seems to be no sign that our lives are getting better (since we find ourselves repeating just the same sins again and again), God wants us to believe that we are not alone sinking in that disgusting water. God is there with us. All we need to do is letting God grab us and pull us out! Once we are out, we will also see that God mends and replaces the broken bamboo! God will smile and say, “Be careful! But be sure, even if you fall again, I’ll rescue you!”
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Turn It Off!
“Turn It Off!”
Lent 2009 – Fourth Sunday Year B (Mar 22)
You go to a medical check-up. All the reports clearly show that you have a serious but curable illness. The doctor instead tells you that there is nothing wrong, and simply says, “You are burnt-out. Take some rest!” You are happy with this, and you convince yourself that you’re really fine. Another doctor who is your best friend reads those reports, and honestly tells you, “You are seriously ill, and you must go for treatments if you want to be cured.” You have two options. First, you go to the first doctor, scold him for being a liar, sue him, and bring him to the court. Second, you are mad at your best friend, accuse him for making it up, cut off your friendship, and hold on to the false diagnosis from the first doctor. Here actually you have two big questions: “Do you want to accept the fact that you are ill?” and “Do you want to accept the sincere love of your best friend?”
That is another modern version of my relationship with God. Scriptures clearly show us that God never ceases to tell each one of us, “You are seriously ill, but with Me it is curable!” You can count the number of prophets whom God has sent. God knows that my life is so dark. So God comes as Light, but my sinful instinct says, “Turn it off!” (I even forget to add the polite word “please” at the end!). In fact, what I say is, “I’m fine. I’m not ill. I’m OK in the dark. I don’t need doctors. I don’t need light. Go away, God! You are making it up. You don’t really love me! If You keep telling me that I’m ill, I’ll go to another doctor, and I’ll never come back to You!” Wow, wow, wow…! Yes, this is our sinful instinct! We want God to say only the nice things that make us feel good.
One reminder that always makes the thick wall of my defense fall is: “Deshi, you are such a hypocrite!” You must be familiar with a specific phrase that is like an arrow being shot right to the very center of your heart. That harsh statement comes actually from God who simply wants to say, “I love you and I really care about you!” All I need to learn to say is, “Thank you doctor for telling me the truth. I’m ready for any necessary treatments,” or, “Thanks for the light. Keep it on!”
Lent 2009 – Fourth Sunday Year B (Mar 22)
You go to a medical check-up. All the reports clearly show that you have a serious but curable illness. The doctor instead tells you that there is nothing wrong, and simply says, “You are burnt-out. Take some rest!” You are happy with this, and you convince yourself that you’re really fine. Another doctor who is your best friend reads those reports, and honestly tells you, “You are seriously ill, and you must go for treatments if you want to be cured.” You have two options. First, you go to the first doctor, scold him for being a liar, sue him, and bring him to the court. Second, you are mad at your best friend, accuse him for making it up, cut off your friendship, and hold on to the false diagnosis from the first doctor. Here actually you have two big questions: “Do you want to accept the fact that you are ill?” and “Do you want to accept the sincere love of your best friend?”
That is another modern version of my relationship with God. Scriptures clearly show us that God never ceases to tell each one of us, “You are seriously ill, but with Me it is curable!” You can count the number of prophets whom God has sent. God knows that my life is so dark. So God comes as Light, but my sinful instinct says, “Turn it off!” (I even forget to add the polite word “please” at the end!). In fact, what I say is, “I’m fine. I’m not ill. I’m OK in the dark. I don’t need doctors. I don’t need light. Go away, God! You are making it up. You don’t really love me! If You keep telling me that I’m ill, I’ll go to another doctor, and I’ll never come back to You!” Wow, wow, wow…! Yes, this is our sinful instinct! We want God to say only the nice things that make us feel good.
One reminder that always makes the thick wall of my defense fall is: “Deshi, you are such a hypocrite!” You must be familiar with a specific phrase that is like an arrow being shot right to the very center of your heart. That harsh statement comes actually from God who simply wants to say, “I love you and I really care about you!” All I need to learn to say is, “Thank you doctor for telling me the truth. I’m ready for any necessary treatments,” or, “Thanks for the light. Keep it on!”
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Winner or Looser?
“Winner or Looser?”
Lent 2009 – Day 22 (Mar 21)
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I was driving to give my evening lecture yesterday when I saw a tiny city car waiting to get in. I slowed down, let that car in, and felt good about it. However, as we were approaching the traffic light and I saw that it was green, my attitude changed. I began to be anxious, kept looking at the green light, and impatiently honked several times as I angrily said, “Come on lady, speed up!” That tiny car in front of me had just passed through, when the green light turned yellow, and immediately red. I stopped angrily. “This is what I got for being nice!” After that, when I saw a car waiting to get in, I sped up and honked aggressively. I did it twice. Hooray…! For a moment, there was a sense of victory. I lost the battle against one tiny car, but I won the battle against two bigger ones! This actually means: “I lost when I was good; I won when I was bad!”
The more I drive in this chaotic Jakarta, the more I realize that city streets can become a battlefield between “a looser” and “a winner.” However, the real battlefield is in my own heart. How I want to win the battle? By being and doing good, or by being and doing bad? The Pharisee believes that he is a winner, because he has done many good things. Another man, a tax collector, believes that he is a looser, because all that he has done were bad. Yet, in terms of honesty before God, the Pharisee is a looser, and the tax collector is a winner. How come? When I sin, I wound myself, but God will bandage my wounds. When I sin, I become a looser, but when I admit and confess my sins to God, I become a winner. Loosing and winning doesn’t depend simply on a list of bad or good deeds. It requires a personal heart-to-heart relationship with God.
Holiness is not just about avoiding what is bad, but also about doing what is good. Never buy the city street wisdom “When you are good, you are a looser; when you are bad, you are a winner.” Embrace the real truth: “When you are good, you might become a looser in the eyes of people around you, but you are a winner in the eyes of God!”
Lent 2009 – Day 22 (Mar 21)
By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ
I was driving to give my evening lecture yesterday when I saw a tiny city car waiting to get in. I slowed down, let that car in, and felt good about it. However, as we were approaching the traffic light and I saw that it was green, my attitude changed. I began to be anxious, kept looking at the green light, and impatiently honked several times as I angrily said, “Come on lady, speed up!” That tiny car in front of me had just passed through, when the green light turned yellow, and immediately red. I stopped angrily. “This is what I got for being nice!” After that, when I saw a car waiting to get in, I sped up and honked aggressively. I did it twice. Hooray…! For a moment, there was a sense of victory. I lost the battle against one tiny car, but I won the battle against two bigger ones! This actually means: “I lost when I was good; I won when I was bad!”
The more I drive in this chaotic Jakarta, the more I realize that city streets can become a battlefield between “a looser” and “a winner.” However, the real battlefield is in my own heart. How I want to win the battle? By being and doing good, or by being and doing bad? The Pharisee believes that he is a winner, because he has done many good things. Another man, a tax collector, believes that he is a looser, because all that he has done were bad. Yet, in terms of honesty before God, the Pharisee is a looser, and the tax collector is a winner. How come? When I sin, I wound myself, but God will bandage my wounds. When I sin, I become a looser, but when I admit and confess my sins to God, I become a winner. Loosing and winning doesn’t depend simply on a list of bad or good deeds. It requires a personal heart-to-heart relationship with God.
Holiness is not just about avoiding what is bad, but also about doing what is good. Never buy the city street wisdom “When you are good, you are a looser; when you are bad, you are a winner.” Embrace the real truth: “When you are good, you might become a looser in the eyes of people around you, but you are a winner in the eyes of God!”
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