Desirable Sickness

“Desirable Sickness”

Lent 2010 – Day 4; Saturday, February 20.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ


When I was a young teenager I once got very sick. I was literally confined to bed for a whole month. Along the way I learned how to let others help me. I even began to enjoy being sick, since everybody paid attention to me. It was suddenly over when the doctor allowed me to get up and walk. I was healed, and I lost all the special treatments.

Being sick can be so desirable, especially when it is the best way to get attentions. I wonder if the same thing applies to sin. I know I have to get rid of certain repeated sins, yet I also know that staying with this sin will attract God’s attention to me. And that certainly feels good. I’m addicted to the notion of fighting against sin with God.

God wants to heal me, to change my life. Yet I’m afraid to let God do it, since I’m afraid that if I become a better person, I will lose God’s special attention to me.

Hallmark Card

“Hallmark Card”

Lent 2010 – Day 3; Friday, February 19.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ


I tell you one of my secrets. When I was a lot younger, I used to collect beautiful Hallmark cards. Every now and then I would stop by at a Hallmark store, browsed them, and read thoughtfully the beautiful words on them, and bought one I considered the best. I usually didn’t have any particular person in mind. Now, imagine that eventually I sent one among the best cards to someone, only to hear her say: “You shouldn’t waste your money for this.”

Here is the crucial thing. For her, that card is just “something,” while I put a great deal of myself into it that I feel like me being present in it. I wish that the card would be accepted as “someone.” The same thing happens during Lent. After all these years, I now believe that fasting or penance is not about something, but about someone. It is not about “excluding something” for Lent (coffee for example, in my case), but it is about “embracing someone.”

If I can say no to coffee, but can’t say yes to love God and my neighbors, I’m not really doing the real penance.

Deadly Diet

“Deadly Diet”

Lent 2010 – Day 2; Thursday, February 18.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ


Just look around. You will see some who are struggling with high cholesterol level. Look how they eat. Are your shocked? Listen to what they say: “It’s OK. Just a little bite… and if things get worse, I’ve got my pills.” Don’t forget to notice the victorious smile on their faces. And guess what? The next morning you will hear them complain: “I’ve a terrible headache.” Duh…?

Choosing is part of life. Yet, making the right choice is not always in the picture. Sometimes we even play with life or death choice. If this is what happens with choosing between holiness and sinfulness, I feel so embarrassed. When I choose sin, I choose death. The more I respect my life, the more I want to choose holiness. My repeated fallings and negligence may simply be signs of my lack of respect toward life.

Want to know the worst part of the story? It’s when you say a split second before committing a sin: “It’s OK. Just a little bite…”

Scary U-Turn

“Scary U-Turn”

Lent 2010 – Day 1 (Ash Wednesday); February 17.

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ


I hate making a U-Turn at certain spots in my neighborhood. Why? It always feels like fighting a battle. Rarely will the vehicles from the opposite direction stop or slow down. On the contrary, they seem to speed up nastily when they see I need to get in. Things can get worse during the rush hour. If I can avoid making U-Turn, I will certainly opt for it.

Here I am, another year, another Ash Wednesday, another Lent. If conversion is like going back by making a U-Turn, I know why it is sometimes hard. It requires patience and the right moves. Making an abrupt and reckless U-Turn can cause a collision. Yet, making a very slow move can also cause a collision. I guess that’s my prayer: “God, grant me patience and teach me the right moves during this time of conversion.”

If conversion is indeed a battle, it is no doubt a battle worth fighting for. Hesitation to go through it will only reveal my true self as a coward.

A Writer's Pain

“A Writer’s Pain”
(Random Blogging Series #7 – Friday, December 25, 2009) – Christmas Reflection

Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I got a phone call one day, asking me to write a short article in a magazine. Sensing the desperation in the caller’s voice, I said yes, even though the dead-line was just the following day. I did my best, finished the article, and e-mailed it. Then I got a phone call. With a mix of embarrassment and guilty feeling the caller told me that the editors had changed the theme, and my article simply would not be published.

There was another phone call. Same situation: a request for a short article that had to be sent within a couple of days. I put all my instincts of a writer at work. Given the very limited space, I had to edit it several times. Finally I thought that I had been able to put the best part right at the end as a surprise twist. It was supposed to be the “catchy phrase,” and I was quite happy with that (even tempted to tap on my own shoulder!).

Now imagine my reaction when it was published as scheduled. Even if I had not gone beyond the limited space, the published article had been truncated. Still worse, my best part, that “catchy phrase” that I had planned to become “the bomb” was simply not there! Of course, it’s the job of an editor. I’m quite familiar with that. Yet, still, to find that the best part of my article had completely been erased was rather unexpected.

As I was trying to reconcile myself with the pain, God seemed to show me something. How many times have I come to God, asked urgently for a help, and after it had been granted, I simply said to God, “I don’t need it any more. I changed my mind”? How many times has God given me all the best things that God could do, and I simply rejected them, for no clear reason whatsoever?

Thinking about Christmas? Well, if I can feel the pain of being used, neglected, rejected, misunderstood through my writing experience, how much more God can feel the pain writing that four letter word L O V E in the most intimate chamber of my heart? So I pray, that next year on Christmas I may be able to say “I’ve learned to let God help me; I didn’t give God too much pain.” Have a joyously blessed Christmas!

Baggage Claim... Again?

"Baggage Claim… Again?"

(Casual Blogging Series #6 – Sunday, December 13, 2009) – Birthday Reflection

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

I know this is not new. I must have mentioned it several times. Recently I’ve been traveling across the globe: in October westwards to Rome, Italy, and last week eastwards to the down under, Melbourne and Sydney, Australia. I’ve earned a nickname, for better or for worse, a “flying priest.” During those trips, as had happened several times before, the baggage claim experiences turned out to be significant.

Waiting for my bag on the baggage belt can become like life-or-death experience. If after some time I don’t see my bag, I begin to worry: Is it coming? Has someone stolen it? Has it been taken by mistake? Once I see it, I feel such a big thrill. But this time something new dawned on me. Assuming that there is no malice, why on earth do people take a wrong bag that doesn’t really belong to them? I can only find one answer: because the bag itself appears to be theirs! No surprise! Many bags just look the same! [And worse, if you go to Indonesia, they don’t really check your baggage claim tags before you walk out from the airport! Oh well…]

This made me think. If I were like a bag moving on the baggage belt, who will pick me and claim me? What would be on my bag tag? Is it clearly written “Christ’s,” or what? This is what I have done so many times: I put other names on it. Here are some examples: “Career’s” – “Pleasure’s” – “Comfort’s” – “Lust’s” – “Fame’s” – “Pride’s” – “Intimacy’s” – “Success’s” and on and on and on… you name it. Whenever I put those names on top of the real label “Christ’s,” then of course, I make my life such a mess. Not only that, I hurt others as well, because I turn their sincere trust into just a cheap toy!

Yesterday, December 12, I turned 43. I thank God for so many wonderful people who have always been there to peel off other labels I have glued on my life bag tag, and make the real one visible, “Christ’s”! And when they see me being taken away, they are willing to fight for me… “God, You know me, nothing hidden to You…”

"Paolo and Gianluca"

“Paolo and Gianluca”

(Casual Blogging Series #5 – Sunday, November 22, 2009) – Christ the King

By Deshi Ramadhani, SJ

About a month ago I had the opportunity to visit some old friends in Rome. I stayed with Alessandro and Marcella, and their two little boys, Paolo and Gianluca. Amid my efforts to speak in Italian I did enjoy my time with those little angels. One incident somehow has ingrained in my mind. I was playing with them when at one point the little Gianluca looked deeply into my eyes, and called my name, “Deshi!” (and as a true Italian he made a gesture with his hands). As I’m writing this, I can still hear clearly his voice calling me by name.

For one reason, there is this cultural thing. Here in Indonesia, little kids can’t just call adults by name. It’s considered so impolite, if not uncivilized. Besides, people simply call me “Romo” (that’s Javanese, meaning “Father”). My little nephews call me “Pakdhe Romo” (“Uncle Priest”). So, I haven’t been called simply by my name for a long time. That’s why for me that incident turned out to be a surprising celebration of who I really am. I am Deshi, that’s all. And the little Gianluca gave me that gift with his innocence. In his voice, there was that pure trust in me.

Later on, I realized that this is how God has been dealing with me. God always calls my name with that “pure trust.” No hidden agenda. God loves me as who I am, not as who I should be. More surprisingly, that memory became very strong this morning as I pondered upon today’s feast, Christ the King. Yes, in Christian belief, He is the King of Kings, of all universe, and of the whole history of humanity. For Jesuits, all the more, having been formed by the Meditation of the King’s Call in St. Ignatius of Loyola’s “Spiritual Exercises,” this feast has a special emphasis that moved us not only to love Him, but more so to offer Him our total service [oops, well, at least that’s the ideal for each Jesuit]. This is not a feast of a frightening King. I believe that this is also a feast when I hear again Christ the King calling me, “Deshi,” with a pure trust in me. The same thing also to each one of you.

Thank you, Paolo and Gianluca, for this wonderful teaching.